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Troubled Either Way
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dealmein2 posted:
My wife and I have been married for 21 years and in every sense but one we are maintaining a happy and valued relationship. Our youngest child is a college student, my eldest married with a child of his own.

That one aspect of our marriage that at least I'm not satisfied with is that we have a sexless marriage. It has been that way for 13 of our 21years.

The only person I have entrusted that information is my physician.
No one else I know could have lasted as long as I have or been as understanding as I've been - even though I don't know what it even
is that I'm understanding! My wife's ignoring what seems to be an integral part of life to just about everybody else on the planet.

I ask her about it and get no response other than her need to get
up early in the morning. But I remind her that no hour of the day
and night has she given me any other feedback other than that
she's is 100% healthy.

I'm not sure if she has entered menopause yet. She was never sexually assaulted before you ask. She had a poor relationship
with her mother, a good one with her father.

We have in the past enjoyed a good sex life together. I fondly
recall making love to her in the car, on the beach, in the shower
and even daring to do so at my parent's house prior to their
arrival.

I have no idea how it can be enough for her to simply ' snuggle ' at
bedtime, that sex is no longer important to her. I have no evidence
that she has looked elsewhere either for those of you already
jumping to that conclusion.

Before being appointed me a saint though know that I have in fact
contemplated registering at one of the services out there that
advertise available single women seeking sexual partners. Besides
the fact that it would be a violation of our marriage I'm not a fan of
the STDs that promiscuous women no doubt might be endowed
with.

I need some resolution to this and before you suggest therapy
the only time she'd set foot in such an environment was when
I was having trouble sleeping some years ago and it was in
fact a psychiatrist that after discussing it with us prescribed something that would help me sleep until I got into a regular
pattern. It was not couples counseling which she would not
likely desire.

At A Loss
Reply
 
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3point14 responded:
So you say that you are both in good health, she has no history of abuse, no trauma, and neither one of you is looking for anything on the side. She won't do counseling nor does she want to go into detail about why she finds snuggling sufficient, and to have sex would be to break an almost decade-and-a-half of mutual celibacy...

Wowza, that's a tough one.

Why not try to initiate during cuddling? What does she do when you try to initiate sex? Has anything changed in your life together that could've turned her off? Does she masturbate? Are you intimate in other ways? Have you tried reminiscing with her about the good old days of your sex life?

If you were to tell her that counseling would be your last step before finding a new sex partner, do you think that would change her mind? Does she realize how you feel about all this, or does she think that you're also satisfied? How's her self-esteem?

I wish you both the best of luck, and hope that if things don't change, you at least find out why they are the way they are. That sounds very, very frustrating.
 
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SOFISTICATED40SUMTHIN responded:
I too am in a similar situation, well as far as the sex. My story is unbelievable and when people hear my story they see it as "something out of lifetime channel"
Long story short, I met my husband when I was 16 have two AMAZING children (which are now 26 & 21) after 16 years together my husband lost his mother and lost his mind along with it. We were seperated for 10 years and now out of nowhere, we have been placed on the same path and we are currently back together for almost 2 years...here's the prob...while i was seperated, I have learned so much about myself, and have truly enjoyed 'SEX'..in every shape and form I love it!! I have had an amazing 10 years of truly enjoying everything about it without feeling the least bit "insecure" about myself. It has made me the confident woman I am now BUT sex with my husband is BLAH!..He reminds me of someone who has never had sex and doesnt know what the hell he's doing!! I'm guessing its because of my experience before but I'd rather not have sex AT All and just lay in bed and "snugggle" till I fall asleep.
I'll be like 3 weeks without sex then try and just get annoyed at his "fumbling" Im not missing the sex with him but I do sure remember the good ol times.
my concern is how long will I be able to keep this charade?
I cant imagine never again have the kind of passion again. And the stress this will bring into this relationship in the end. A relationship withou sex? without passion? is that even possible?
I feel for you dealmein2 I really do.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I've read somewhere, on this site, maybe, that some women can suddenly lose all appitite for sex. Sad. Sad, but true. It seems to me, that your wife has this?

One way you just might be able to help her, without her even knowing. This is of course, if she see's a Dr.? Talk to her Dr. about your concerns, then have the Dr. make an appointment to see her. This way, she has no idea you are trying to help.

I hope you can get your wife sexually active again. Sex should be an enjoyable thing, for a lifetime.

Good luck, Dennis
 
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dealmein2 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I had considered doing just that. My wife and I receive our medical care at the same facilities so I was planning on having an appointment with her doctor.

Obviously if I can make that seem like a priority to my
wife and she'd attend such an appointment with me
her doctor would freely discuss these matters with us
however my wife has not accepted such a proposal and considers herself quite healthy.

Without my wifes' attendance at the appointment though
her doctor would not be allowed to discuss my wife and
my situation due to the HIPAA privacy laws - regardless
of the good that might come from such an exchange.

Her snuggling me has a romantic feel to it I do not see
it elevate to anything that could be defined as sensual
let alone sexual.

I have no idea if she has lost her appetite or what it is
that's truly going on.
 
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dealmein2 replied to 3point14's response:
When I initiate during snuggling I get the I want to sleep message in response. If that only happened at night that would be understandable.

In the morning hoewever I hear that she needs more sleep,
or am told when she's setting the alarm for. After that rings she informs me of how much she has to do and that she's getting up.

I seriously doubt she masterbates and when I have she says it's bothered her because it woke her up but I wonder if it's more than that. I haven't taken enough Psychology courses
to be certain of any conclusion I'd make though.

I haven't challenged her about this being the last step etc....
I have suggested that each of us go out and acquire boy
and girl friends and stay together as the terrific house
mates that we are.

She appreciates my personality and sense of humor so
much though that she probably thinks I was 100% joking.

A person who was deaf could know how much our sexless marriage was bothering me. I think she does as well but we
carry on because everything else about us is so compatible.
 
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dealmein2 replied to SOFISTICATED40SUMTHIN's response:
I am living proof that a relationship without sex is possible, but
I am also living proof that unless you have to have supremely levels of patience as well as high levels of compatibility to endure it.

I wonder if your husband can see that the loss of his mother has impacted more than just himself and not just in the obvious ways since we'd all grieve in one way or another
after the loss of someone so close?

How does he hear and respond to you when you share
your opinions about your situation? I doubt you accuse
him of losing his mind, so when compassionately asking
him to share himself about it what takes place?
 
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SOFISTICATED40SUMTHIN replied to dealmein2's response:
his mothers death is no longer an issue, we were seperated 10 yrs and in those 10 yrs he's gotten help..
as far as us together? we seem to be doing well in other aspects such as..companionship, financial and he is soo happy that his kids, despite being grown, have welcomed him back and things are back to normal...his doctor told him he needs to stop smoking and stop drinking so much coffee because it seems that that is contributing to his problem sexually, but I just cant get into the "mood" with him because I hate to have to deal with him not being able to perform and I can only imagine how he feels..I was an every day sex going female to once or twice a month now
but, I can function just fine without it but I wonder for how long?


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