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Communication
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An_248012 posted:
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. Initially this was not the case in our relationship, but things changed.
Whenever I try to discuss with him my feelings about a situation, such as we had a plan to sell the house he was living in, get married and buy a house together. I was helping him get the house ready to sell and he appeared to be stalling but whenever I asked him about it he just said he was exhausted from work and just was not able to get things completed quickly but he still had every intention on selling the house, this has gone on for months. Ok, so now last weekend he suggested he may just live in the house for two years and in the meantime just go with the flow. Ironically, I was upset by this new plan and he never once prior to that moment suggested this plan.
So I try to discuss my feelings about his change of plans and his response is "I disagree with you or I don't believe you" Now this is the usual response when I try to talk to him about something he has done or said that is hurting me. Usually this type of conversation will end with him having an angry outburst and then giving me the silent treatment for possibly several days. I have learned not to pursue him when he behaves this way. So I am really at a loss with his response of "I disagree with you or I don't believe you" (i have never betrayed him in anyway) I feel dismissed when he says this to me and I have read that couples disagree and you should agree to disagree- I get that, so what do I do when he disagrees with so much that revolves around my perceptions or feelings. I am feeling lost for words now and just afraid I will get the same response if I talk to him about anything that remotely implies any responsibility on his part. He also says that "I am not loving him for who he is when I go to him with any issues that involve his behavior towards me or my children.
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kisha252 responded:
its crazy cause my relationship is the same way ..... i dnt understand why he get so mad at things we have already talkd about and planned .. when he has his outburst i just try to stay away but in sick of it now ... maybe we need to just worrie about ourself 1st and let them realize what they are missin
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Perhaps he feels as if you are pushing him towards something huge, and life-changing? Selling a house you like/love, is hard enough. Now, he is selling this house, to buy one for the both of you, and get married. Thats one huge step for someone to make. Try going a little slower. Try to understand what he's going through for you. He has not told you he will not do this, he wants an extention of time, thats all. I think you are reading too much into this? Relax, you have a whole lifetime to be together.

Thats my two cents, good luck, Dennis
 
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flowerpower515 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Pushing him?-almost 6 years. He does not want the house. What exactly is he going through for me? I guess I figured if a guy proposes he should probably make sure he is ready. Furthermore my main point wasn't so much about the house, as it was about the communication.
 
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dfromspencer replied to flowerpower515's response:
I am sorry, if i misunderstood. The point i was trying to make was, selling this house, that he probably loved, is like giving up a part of yourself. When i sold my house, to buy one with my wife, it was like giving up my baby. People can become very attatched to something. Also, it seems he is still secretly attatched to his house? He says he wants to, yet it has taken a long time to come about. That was my point on that.

As for him shuting down on you? I believe that has to do with the life changing plans you two have made? He has never been married, its probably a little freaky for him? When i married, the day of the ceremony, i was totally freaked out. I had no idea of what to expect? I was afraid to lose my independence. Perhaps he is too?

You need to find a way to calm his fears. My friend, who had been married for ten years, told me i was not going to lose all of my independence. Only that, i would now have a partner to share many of my interests with. That helped tremendously. Do you have a married friend that could talk to him? How about your Father? Does he get along well with your Dad? Ask Dad to talk with him, that could ease his mind?

I wish you all the best life has to offer, Dennis
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Honestly it sounds like he doesn't want to get married anymore. You know how sometimes people say they don't want to end things with someone because they care about them and don't want to hurt their feelings? And then they start being rude and dismissive to that person so that that person will be the one to end things instead? By what you wrote here that's what it sounds like to me.

As far as him saying "I disagree with you" my reply would be "I understand that you don't agree with what I'm saying, but I need for you to acknowledge and understand what I'm saying" and possibly add on "what I'm feeling is still my feelings and my feelings are important". It's not ok for someone to just blow off what you're feeling like it doesn't exist or matter.

Again, with that said, maybe you should evaluate if you want to be in a relationship or married to this man anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.


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