Relationships and Coping Community

also I have never had a roommate before so this is all new to me aside from the family alliance I am feeling.

gypsy,

At first glance i would have said you were over reacting to this, but after reading on i am not so sure. How long have you two been together? Has his cousin fallen on hard times? If she just wants to move out of her parents place and live with you two, then your feelings are justifiable. Also, i dont know if its your anger about this entire situation or not, but you sound somewhat resentful towards your boyfriend. You said that your family isnt very close, im sorry to hear that. But it seems like your bf's family is very tight, i dont really see anything wrong with trying to help out a family member in need, to me thats what family is for. Also, you dont know how this will play out since she hasnt moved in yet, you and her may smooth over those initial speed bumps and become good friends.

I am sorry that he is not paying any attention to your concerns, that in itself is rude. Im just wondering if he isnt worried about your concerns over this matter, what if something else comes up in the future. Will he not hear your concerns then as well?

Hopefully everything works itself out, best of luck!

IC

We have been together for two years. His cousin is 19 and she has a fake id for a few years, she feels she has "hit rock bottom" and she now realizes she has drinking problem. My answer to that is throw the damn fake id away! It wouldn't completely fix the problem but it would certainly cut the problem in half which is probably as much as she will cut back from living with us. I have been upset for three days now, arguing nonstop. Also our relationship has many other bumps along the way so yes there is more behind my resentfulness and that's why I am pushed so far as simply moving out if it truly unlivable for me. even though that is not what I want but it may just have to be what I do. It is understandable that that is what family is for but it is very hard for me to accept this huge change and how I feel I have to change my daily routine. I also have very low self confidence and she is a very pretty skinny girl and it is already hard enough for me to get dressed in the morning. I just feel my depression and feelings are going to get worse then they already are once she is here.

Thank you for your input!

Honestly, I think you're pretty twisted.

First of all, it's his house, right? You're just a roommate, too. And while it would've been better obviously for you two to come to a conclusion, his teenage alcoholic cousin needs a place to stay and he's close with his family. I would think you'd respect a man for having that much allegiance to someone who shares a blood bond with him.

Throw the fake ID away would be a really easy way for her to stop getting served at bars, but it's a really, really unsympathetic way to look at someone who's an alcoholic. It's a really harsh mentality to have on a teenager who is looking for help from a family member who obviously cares about her.

She's skinny and pretty and you're insecure....so you accuse your boyfriend of having incestuous feelings? Really? Is that reasonable to you? I mean, again, obviously your boyfriend could be a lot more empathetic to what you're obviously going through, but instead of asking him to be more considerate or talking to him frankly about your depression, it sounds like you're blaming your depression all on him and using this whole thing as an excuse to move out.

It sounds like your relationship has many, many more problems than just this. You don't seem to respect him or how he spends his money, and you seem almost painfully insecure. What do you do to contribute to the household? Maybe if you contributed more and acted more like an equal partner rather than, in your own words, a 4 year old who needs more attention, you'd have higher self esteem and not be so threatened by someone who doesn't seem to have any designs on making you feel worse.

How is it obvious he'll pay for her if you go out to eat? How long is she planning on living with you? Maybe if you two can discuss these things beforehand (as you should do with any roomie situation) you'd feel better about everything. You also say you two didn't get along when you met only once...was it because of her personality, or because you feel threatened by her? You shouldn't dislike someone just for being attractive, and in other parts of your post you talk about the two of you becoming friends...what makes you think you will be friends if you resent her so much? Why would she want to be friends with someone who thinks she wants to bang her own cousin?

Screaming and fighting for days isn't going to help anything about this. YOU need to CALM DOWN and have a grown up conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities and fears. You need to set limits with both he and his cousin about how much time you'll all spend together and make sure you still have some time with your BF. You should maybe think about seeing a therapist to deal with your obvious feelings of isolation and dependancy on your boyfriend. It's not just HIS job to figure out how to make this better for you, it's YOUR job to reasonably assert your needs and ask for respect.

It's my opinion that you are seeing this girl as way more of a threat than what she is. She's his cousin!!!!!!!!! Just because he has a close relationship with her doesn't infringe upon his relationship with his girlfriend. You probably are still the most important thing to him, but your actions are driving him away. Why not have a calm discussion over dinner talking about the good things in your relationship and how you want to feel even closer to him? Why not see a couples therapist, or maybe an individual one to find some self worth? It's not unreasonable for you to want to feel loved, but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything too terrible that couldn't be fixed by the two of you having a discussion, not a fight.

I wish you both the best of luck. And honestly, if you're as removed from the situation as it sounds like you are, feel free to ignore all my advice and just move out.

No I appreciate the insight very much. I have many times wanted to go to couples therapy but he doesn't believe in therapy. He also doesn't want to put money towards it. For our many previous arguments and issues I feel that is exactly what we need. I feel it is the only safe place I could talk to him and get insight from an outsider and to have someone help us with tips and tricks and things to try to get work out the problem. He's just really not for it. As well as I know the core problem of our relationship is, being that he cannot get over my past, things that he wasn't even a part of. He is simply not comfortable with me being with the people I was with and that he sees them at parties and on the street and doesn't even allow me to say hello or go to parties alone without a fight. There's so much more behind our relationship that is also effecting my feelings of her moving in. It just seems like to me that the cousin isn't walking around with a fifth in her hand 24/7 incoherent. I think she should have some of her own self control to tell herself she doesn't need to go to the bar little-own keep her fake ID. I do feel like half the problem could be taken away by getting rid of it like her mother should have long ago. Everyone else in the family thinks its ridiculous that she has one, but her mom let's her! I don't get it! Do you feel that it is unfair to tell her to give us the ID for when she is living here? I think that is fair, if your going to come into this house because of your problem were gonna do what we can to stop your problem and the first step would be throwing it out.

Why not go to a counselor yourself to work on your depression and self esteem issues? Being able to cope better with your feelings of insecurity and learning how to more fully appreciate yourself might put things in greater context with your boyfriend. Even if he's not up for it, you still have to live your life, and can improve your situation if not his.

I don't think it's appropriate for you or I or anyone besides a professional to diagnose his cousin. Just because someone isn't an incoherent drunk doesn't mean that drinking is detrimentally affecting their life. If you google "functional alcoholic", you'll see that sometimes the people in the worst grips of alcoholism aren't the ones puking on themselves at three in the morning, but people drinking to escape their own feelings and then stumbling their way to work. I've done the AA thing, and many of those people were shocked to see me there and I was shocked to see many of them there. Alcoholism certainly isn't something you could diagnose or dismiss based on one meeting and lack of a degree in psychology.

If it would make you feel better to have her have less access to alcohol while she lives in your boyfriends house, this should be something the three of you calmly discuss. If there are any conditions you want when she moves in, chores, money obligations, time constraints, duration of time she lives with you, keeping the ID or not, attending AA or not, the three of you absolutely have to iron those out before she moves in.

I feel it's unfair of you to just demand she give it to you though, because you're not her counselor or probation officer, and she is an adult. I think it would be extremely disrespectful for you to make any demands especially, because if you two didn't get along the first time you met, she'll probably react poorly. The three of you should talk all together, and if any ultimatums are to be issued, I think your boyfriend should be the one to do it: they're family and he's the one who owns the house.

That's the other part that upsets me is none of us have talked about this together. It all just happened. My boyfriend isn't one to sit down and talk it all out and I am more very organized and would rather have everything written out down to the detail. All I know is she is moving in next week and I am not ready for it. I thought the ultimatum of taking the ID away should happen before she moves in to see how willing she even is to fix her problem. I thought that if she wasn't willing to give it up she shouldn't move in because there would be no difference in her actions living here if she's able to do whatever she wants. I also do not have insurance anymore so I myself cannot go to therapy/counseling alone.

What's keeping you from telling your boyfriend, "I'd prefer if we could sit down and discuss the terms of her staying with us with her"? What's keeping you from calling her and saying "Hey, come over so coffee so we can discuss expectations of you living with us"?

Giving people ultimatums usually doesn't prove anything, it just makes them defensive and upset. Asking things, talking about things, encourages empathy and understanding. She doesn't get to do whatever she wants if she lives with you if you ALL just talk about it, and it might take you calmly initiating that.

Therapy/counseling can be extremely inexpensive, many places will have reduced fees for those who need them, churches, synogauges and shelters will offer counseling for free, and support groups (like ones for people with depression,anxiety or low self esteem) are typically free as well. Google your town name and then "support group" to see what kind of help you yourself can get for your issues.

dont think you are wrong for your feelings about this, i would feel the same way. If there family is so close she needs help for her addiction and he is is contributing by allowing her to continue her behavior there. You have to worry about how this make you feel, if he wants to marry you he needs your imput on this situation and take it into consideration. I would not enjoy my boyfriend paying another adult womans bills family or not.

What kind of financial leverage do you have? What does your income look like? If the situation is as one sided as you describe, combined with the unhappiness factor, I say give it some time--one month, maybe two--if no changes, then maybe it would be better to bail and find someone that actually respects you? You're two years in, no marriage, no kids...that's a far better situation than some others I can think of.

On one hand, I can understand your feelings about your boyfriend inviting someone into the home without consulting you. And it must be distressing that he won't communicate. On the other hand, gently advocating for yourself won't hurt. At a certain level, your boyfriend's first allegiance should be to you if you intend to be married, but I don't know how serious you are about each other. You are within your rights to want to be consulted if your boyfriend is calling the house your home, together, but be cautious you aren't reading more into things than you should.

Wow, you do have a problem, don't you?

First, you need to sit him down, preferably in a quiet place, then calmly, and rationally, explain your problems. You must make sure he "HEARS" what you are saying, not just going along with you. You must tell him, in no uncertain terms, how this makes you feel. Just like you did in your post. Tell him that, you feel like the four year old who's little sibling just came home. Make sure he understands that, YOU are the one he's supposed to care about, not his cousin!!!

I don't know what you mean about the house, but I get the feeling that you didn't like it to begin with? That is another sticky point to bring up. You have to, though. If you ever expect him to listen to you, you will have to make yourself very clear!

Also, if he is having problems with saving money, you need to explain to him that, OUR future depends on OUR saving today!!! You didn't say if you had savings accounts or not? But, you need to impress upon him, the need for them, NOW.

In other words, YOU need to lay down the law on his happy ass!!!

Good luck!!!

Dennis