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Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
need advice - DIL confused about concerns
An_248100 posted:
I would need a neutral person to analyse the situation and give expert advice on my situation.

I am married for 6yrs now. It was a love marriage and a diff caste. i was working for 4yrs after marriage I quit my job to take care of my son. and im a mother for 3yrs old boy.

We live with in laws. They live in ground floor and we live in the 1st floor. With a common kitchen in ground floor. In the initial phase of our marriage, as i was working in odd shifts, i barely helped my in law in house hold chores in ground floor. I did keep our portion clean in the first floor.

When i was pregnant i worked from home, then too i was busy with my job and went down only to eat. After delivery i quit the job to take care of my son. I had enough time then to support my in law in house hold chores too. I stared cooking and cleaning the house.
Sometimes when i was sick the expectations grew up and they wanted me to support and do household chores then too. i was not able top do it. We had issues when i was sick, and we had a big fight and my in law always tells me that i didnt help her for years and suddenly helped for few months and wanted respect. after 2 years and adjusted life, my hubby decided to split and have a seperate kitchen in the first floor. which my in laws didnt like at all. But we set up the kitchen in the 1st floor 8months back. I would say me and my in laws didnt have a smooth communication from the beginning. Recently a month back my brother in law got married (arranged marriage) and they are very happy downstairs. My son used to go play downstairs and the same happens now. I go down when i am free in the evening. And during holidays for my son, i had to go down, as he plays with his grand parents during breakfast / lunch. And the new sister is a house wife (that was the condition from my B_I_L during marriage). She helps MIL now. They smile a lot and talk. now my FIL, when leaving for work tells bye to MIL and the new girl. He never sees me or says bye even when i stand there (situation happened that i was there). When they go out , they inform only her and go and never tells me, which they used to do before my BIL's marriage. I feel ignored and let down. when i tell my hubby about the situation he says "never go down", which is unavoidable due to my son. I feel let down and ignored by my In laws. my MIL discusses any news with the new sister and never tells any stories to me (which happened earlier). what shud i do, recently me and my hubby had a fight talking about this situation. relationship with my BIL and the new sister is smooth. The issue is my feelings. SHould i be concerned at all. Am i taking things in the negative way. Help me !
dfromspencer responded:
If i were you, i would not let my son go down there, either. That way, they will have to include you, if they want to see their grandson. You are as much a part of this family, as is your son, or your new sister-in-law! Never forget that. So what, if you didn't help her out all the time? Did you leave dirty dishes in the sink? Did you leave messes in the kitchen? Probably not. So, she has no reason to be mad at you, for not always helping her!

You have the power to change this situation, not them. Do it!

Good luck, i hope this helps, Dennis
fcl responded:
I think that the biggest change came when your BIL got married, right?

I think it's only natural that your MIL and SIL get on well together because they spend so much time together. I wouldn't read too much into the fact that they talk to each other a lot. They don't tell you when they're going out? Well, why should they? I don't actually see why they need to tell SIL either but, no doubt, they don't feel it is necessary to tell you because you're upstairs and they may think you don't care or that the information would make no difference to you (whereas your SIL is a newlywed living away from her parents possibly for the first time). They probably see you as an accomplished adult but perhaps don't yet see your SIL like that yet. This could be a compliment to you and your independence

A lot of what is happening between your MIL and SIL is happening not because they're ignoring you but because your SIL is THERE. The positive side of this is that now she is doing the chores for your MIL and you're off the hook.

How often has your FIL ignored you when leaving? If it was only the once Id let it go. Oversights happen.

I think there are two possible solutions to this. The first is that you try to participate more in family life downstairs (and yes, I do understand that you feel like doing the exact opposite - that would be only natural) or moving away from the family completely ... and I don't know how acceptable that would be.

Can I ask something? Are you all from the same background or is your culture different from your husband's family's?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

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