Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Can I Ever Trust Him Again? Or Should I Move On & Lose My Best Friend?
avatar
An_248268 posted:
My boyfriend & I have had a great relationship & friendship over the past 2 years except for a few isolated incidents where he would inappropriately text other girls that were either clients of his or a former girlfriend/potential hookup from his past. For the first six months of our relationship I was so amazingly happy, & perhaps naively, fully trusted him. That's when I found out about the first incident when he was texting a 21 year old girl from his gym (we're 30) & told her he didn't have a girlfriend. We fought, he apologized, & claimed it was a habit from his past.

Every 2 months something stupid like this would happen, but I knew he wasn't physically cheating, just flirting & enjoying the attention. Perhaps he was fishing for the possibility of sex, but I caught him before it went any further.

This past February was very different, it happened on Valentine's Day even!. He had been making comments for a while about my slight weight gain due to law school stress & he never wanted to be intimate. I caught him texting multiple bartenders that were client contacts (he works in the restaurant distributing industry) all hours of the night. These were girls that I had no connection to & to this day do not know who they actually are or what conversations they had with my boyfriend. One night, he drunkenly called me at 4 AM to pick him up at a random apartment complex & refused to tell me who lived there. He later claimed he was just tagging along as a wing-man for one of his friends, but it didn't sound believable.

I stood my ground & broke up with him, which he claims made him realize that he was losing his best friend. After endless talks about what we need to work on, we got back together. Ever since then, we really have had a great relationship again. He took me to Mexico, talks about marriage, our future together, etc.

My problem is, I have no idea if he will ever do this me again & I'm too afraid to trust him fully. I still have no idea if he actually cheated on me that night at the random apartment and it drives me crazy, but he claims he didn't. There's now way I would know if he did! I have asked repeatedly who the girls were that he was texting, or what it was that attracted him to them, but he says he doesn't want to talk about that part of our past ever again & that it's not important who they were. I love him like crazy & he's the first man I have had a genuine friendship with, but I am going crazy not knowing if I can trust him again. The longer we're together the more serious & trusting he is of me, but I've become more & more suspicious & hurt.

Am I crazy for wanting to know more about these girls that took his attention away from me? How can I start to trust him again with this fear of being hurt again or finding out he really did cheat on me? I really do want to get past this & trust him again but these past 6 months have been rough for me mentally!

Take the Poll

  1. Am I crazy for needing to know more about what happened
  • Yes, you need to get past it
vote
View Poll Results
Reply
 
avatar
fcl responded:
OK, this is just my personal opinion but ... knowing more about what happened isn't going to make what happened go away. Every time he got caught he just did it again. In one case you thought he was fishing for sex but you caught him in time ... That alone would make me drop him like a hot brick.

He's made disparaging remarks about a slight weight gain and using that to stop having sex with you. Tell me, if he's not having sex with you, who is he having sex with? Slight weight gains don't bother most men when they're in love ...

Let's face it, you're never going to be sure he isn't cheating on you so how can you trust him? He's told too many lies to be credible. How can he seriously expect you to believe that he texts to other women as a habit when he has been with you for 6 months?

If I were you I'd drop him and not look back because, no matter how nice a guy he is, I deserve better.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
dfromspencer responded:
After all you have said, you still want to trust this guy? Why? All he has ever done, is cheat on you. Texting other women, for whatever reason, is wrong. And the pick-up at the strange apartment? No way! This guy may have realized what he will lose, and he may have changed his spots? Trust him fully again? How? He refuses to talk to you about this, so how do you get past it? You don't! His lack of communication should tell you something? Communication is the key to a happy, trustful relationship. If he won't talk, you lose.

Try one more time. If he still refuses to talk to you about this, then, i would have to say, you will never be happy not knowingyou can fully trust him! In that case, drop him, and find someone you can trust, and who will talk with you about anything. When two people are in love, and trust each other, they can, and will say anything to each other. That is love!

Good luck, please keep us informed on how it goes for you.
Dennis
 
avatar
An_248764 responded:
I truly understand why you want to know who these girls are. You want to know if you're the type of girl he really wants to be with. Men will always have several women in their minds; the whore/stripper and the wife material type. We try to be all these types of women that our lovers want but still sometimes fall short. If it was me I would try to find out, but what if they was the type person you are what would you do? would that hurt you? then you would have to decide to stay or go because it all boils down to him being a cheater and would he ever cheat again? If he didn't have anything to hide he would just tell you who they are and where he was that night.

You will never get past this until you know! But know this all men cheat, and it doesn't have to always be sexually.
They cheat by giving the other woman their time, their money, their thoughts, etc.

So we as strong women have to get past certain things.

Be Blessed.
 
avatar
1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to An_248764's response:
All men cheat? Thats a pretty bold and blanketing statement, dont you think? Thats like me saying all women are crazy. If we are going off of personal experience then the both of us are probably right.

Sorry to get sidetracked, as for the main topic. Id have to agree with FCL and D, if he isnt opening up about something, then he is hiding something. If he doesnt wish to talk about an event that happened before you two are together, thats fine. But these issues happened while he was with you and you have a right to question him and get honest answers. The fact that he is trusting you more and being more kind, could be a complete cover up. He might be thinking that if i am trusting her so much and being so much more affectionate, that I must have changed and realized what I had. When you took him back, that gave him a sense of control, that no matter what he does, all he has to do is say, "I'm sorry, I love and miss you, etc" and your heart melts and you take him back. In his mind, he found his get out of jail free card and in the mean time he is probably being more careful and sneaky about the texting.

You should listen to FCL's advice...

I wish you the best!

IC


Featuring Experts

Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist, who is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotio...More

Helpful Tips

Relationships and Coping Community recommended resourcesExpert
About a month ago, I asked the community here to suggest resources for finding a therapist. They suggested: Psychology Today's therapist ... More
Was this Helpful?
11 of 18 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.