Relationships and Coping Community

I posted a short version of my story on a previous post, but I would like to tell my story. I am not necessarily looking for advice, if you have some, great, but I am looking to really express how I feel, and someone to listen more or less. My husband and I grew up together and got married young. We have known each other our whole lives and were best friends before anything. After five years of marriage, I became pregnant with our first. I was elated, we were having trouble conceiving, so to become pregnant after trying for so long was such a nice surprise. During my pregnancy, my husband got a new job with an old friend from high school (a female). He would talk to her often and about her often. I am not the jealous type by any means, I didn't even phase me, I don't know if it didn't bother me how much he mentioned because I wasn't insecure in our marriage or because I didn't feel threatened by other females, either way, I was naively unphased. Well, as my pregnancy progressed, I found sex not comfortable, sometimes painful. So our sex life went from several times a week to a couple times a month. I knew it was a big hit to my husband and I expressed my sympathies, but I had no energy, no drive and it was physically stressful on me. I tried to reassure him that I would return to my normal self when the baby came (which I did.) Towards the end of my pregnancy I noticed my husband was very down and sad. I kept asking him what was wrong and urged to talk, but he didn't. I thought it was the lack of sex between us or maybe he was stressed about being the father, but he denied both. Later, after the baby, he started to lash out at, distance himself as well. I remember when we got into arguments, he was quick to anger and called names, which was unlike him, I remember he didn't want to spend time with me either. I remember being alone, holding my sleeping baby on New's years, waiting for the ball to drop as he was in the other room sleeping. Rewind back to pregnancy, when I met this coworker of his, I didn't have any suspicions, until we met for the fourth of fifth time. I remember hugging her and this sudden, unexpected feeling of disgust and uneasiness overwhelmed me. Later the three of us went to her apartment, and when I sat on her couch I got the same feeling, which took me by complete and utter surprise. I didn't know why I felt this all of sudden and I left the thoughts as soon as they came. Fast forward a little, after she gave me some baby clothes that her daughter grew out of, my husband and I had a random conversation of fidelity ( a conversation we've had so many times before through our entire relationship) and what we would do if we were in such a situation. I remember saying leaving is what I would most likely do. And all the times that we would have these conversations, he would agree wholeheartedly with me, but this time, I remember his words so clearly " Well, you don't know if you'd really do that, you've never been in that situation." His answer caught me off guard. I knew something was different. Once again, I left it alone. It slid right off my back. But as time went on, I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I never had any concrete evidence of infidelity, so I never pursued the accusation really. I kept on having dreams or nightmares really of him cheating, over and over and over again, for three years, almost every night. One day, I was taking a shower and out of nowhere, it clicked in my head. All the times he would mention his coworker, like a little boy with a crush, even my friend asked me if I noticed how much he speaks of her, the awkward moment that I felt when I hugged her, his odd actions during my pregnancy and afterwards. He cheated on me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I approached him like I knew for a fact that he cheated, and all I wanted was to hear it from his mouth, and he told me I was right. I fell apart. I broke in to pieces, I got tunnel vision .