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possible relationship?
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chrissyzajac posted:
sorry, i dont know if this is ok to post here but finding a community that actually is up to date with posts is hard to find. i want any advice and/or comments from all of you. im a 24 year old single mother of a beautiful 2 and a half year old girl. she is my world . ive been through a LOT in my life and that includes abusive relationships as well. ive been single for almost 2 years now (by choice). i have issues trusting men. i am also fighting the internal battle of keeping my heart open for a new great relationship. ive known this guy for most of my life. hes such a sweetheart and always has been. we've always liked each other but never really pursued each other. we're both single and like to be around each other a lot. i really like this guy (which is a big deal for me) and i can tell he really likes me and wants to be with me. i dont know the exact reason but he isnt wanting to make us official yet. possibly due to his job and lack of any free time or something like that. (he also loves my daughter). im being patient and waiting till hes ready and he knows this (ive told him). how do i stay patient? how do i tell him how i feel without scaring him off? how to i keep myself from getting led on and turned down again?
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I'm so glad you've found us. This is an active community that definitely posts actively. As for your questions...

It's extremely common in relationships for one person to be ready for the next step in commitment before the other. In fact, relationships are filled with times when the partner's needs are not perfectly in synch. With regards to the issue of needing to be more patient, it often helps to make sure that your life is filled with different people (especially including some close, supportive relationships) and activities that help you to feel fulfilled.

It's also extremely important to maintain good communication. Rather than just having big conversations about issues, it can help to keep an ongoing dialogue about how you are each feeling in the relationship. This way you can share thoughts and feelings in a more naturally flowing way. It will allow you to get a read on where he is so you are not totally surprised one day to learn you have different needs and expectations.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Welcome aboard! This is a great community with many insightful and knowledgeable people.

I can somewhat relate to your situation, I'm a couple years older than you are and divorced. Its been over 2 years since the seperation/divorce and I have remained single, by choice. Until recently I started dating again, but sadly i am finding out that i am not ready for a relationship at this time. So i totally get the internal battle of keeping your heart open.

Im curious as to the dynamic of your relationship with this guy. Have you been out on any official dates? Or do you just hang out in more of a friendly manor? It sounds like he is a busy guy and I agree with the Doc, you need to keep your mind busy. Its amazing how our minds can start to over think things in a moment or two of silence. You said that you can tell that he really likes you and wants to be with you, does he want to be in a relationship right now?

As for getting led on or turned down again, thats where we can hopefully learn from our mistakes. Its finding that balence of being open, but yet still having some walls up to protect yourself and slowly lowering those walls as the relationship evolves. Speaking from experience, make sure that you go into things with eyes wide open, sometimes in the early stages of a relationship you tend to over look things and not see them at face value. Thats a good way to avoid being led on or possibly hurt in the future.

Best of luck!

IC
 
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chrissyzajac replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
ic- when we hang out its almost like a relationship. we cuddle/kiss/ etc... and we havent been on official dates persay but we have gone out and done stuff together. he calls me all those sweet words that i find hard to believe cuz ive never been called them before (beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, etc...). he feels really happy to be around me and same for me as well. as for him wanting a relationship- idk. he acts like it when around me but im too afraid to ask him about what he really feels cuz i dont want to scare him off. but i can say i told him i like him enough to wait for him and then apologized for saying it cuz i was scared to scare him off. he said "dont worry hun im not going to disappear". i think his job is holding him back which i really do believe but im not sure if theres anything else. im too scared to ask him anything
 
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dfromspencer replied to chrissyzajac's response:
Look Chrissy, beautiful name by the way, do not be afraid to ask for what you want! Too many times, we are afraid to act, and we miss out. Don't miss out! This guy sounds wonderful, and he loves your daughter, i hope he loves you too. You have said so, you love him, and want him. Why be afraid to ask for him? We guy's, we are NOT mind readers. Especially when it comes to women! NO, we do not know what you are thinking! No, we do not know what you want, just because you think we should. Men are completely confused, when it comes to women. YOU must be the one to tell him, or he may never know how you feel.

When will women get this? Men are completely clueless to what you want, or need. PLEASE TELL US!!!! Stop thinking "we" should know just because you are thinking it. Please, help that man understand what you want, talk to him. You may, or may not regret it? Who can say? We live and we learn, right?

Good luck, Dennis

P.S. Welcome aboard!!!!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to dfromspencer's response:
D,

You mean you cant read minds either??? I thought i was the only one!

Kidding aside, you are absolutely right, if you have known this guy for a long time, be up front and honest with him. It would be different if you might have knonw him for a week and you spilled your heart to him. Let him know where you stand...his response just might surprise you...he may feel the exact same way!
 
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chrissyzajac replied to dfromspencer's response:
he does know i like him. i just dont know exactly where his heart lies. i know for a fact he really likes me but as i tried saying above, i just dont know if or when he wants a relationship. im too scared to ask but thanks all for this great advise
 
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love2lol2 replied to chrissyzajac's response:
Hi Chrissy, The most important part of a relationship is communication. If you're having a hard time bringing up the subject try asking questions that skirt the situation and narrow the field a little each time you talk. If his occupation is keeping him from making a commitment then try asking questions about his job and what he sees for his future in that field. For instance, does he want to stay in it or is he looking to expand? Is he satisfied with what he's doing or does he want to someday change his direction? Try to guide him towards answering your question in other ways. As for being afraid to ask him directly, maybe you should try to focus on what he wants instead of how you will be hurt if you don't hear the answer you want to hear. Be happy and patient with having him and move slowly, you have kept him this long, I'm confident you will keep him as long as the time you are willing to invest in him. Like he said he's not going anywhere. How long have you been this close? He seems to be happy just being with you and that's a good thing. I always believe in being Best Friends first, middle and last. I think you shouldn't take your relationship any further until you are comfortable talking to him about anything and everything and trusting that no matter what you say he is still 'not going anywhere'. I hope it helped!
 
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dfromspencer replied to chrissyzajac's response:
You need to tell him how frightened you are. You need to explain to him, all of your concerns. Let him know that you are afraid to be led on, turned down, anything else you're afraid of. Then, you have to ask him how he feels about relationships? Long term, short term, and marriage? At least then, you will have some feedback, right?

What i'm getting at is this, if he doesn't know how afraid you are, he cannot provide any comfort/answers you need. You are going to have to bare your soul/heart, and hopefully, he will want to support/help you with that?

I had a situation pretty much like yours once. This lady was terrified to ask me how i felt about our relationship, because she had three kids. She had been divorced for three years, abusive husband. She had had four tries before me, all no good. When she told me her fears, all i wanted to do was comfort her, and i told her i was not going to abandon her, just because she had kids. I then told her that I would never hit a woman, because that is not what "MEN" do. I watched her relax, almost collapse on my couch. She was so relieved. Three months later, she went back to her abusive husband. Hmm?

You need these answers, so you can relax. Trust him to help you. If, as you say, he likes being around you two, he will want to. Being afraid will not help you, what have you got to lose? Better to find out now, then to wait longer, right? You don't want to get an ulcer worrying, do you? Go for it, Chrissy, trust him!

I'm betting you won't regret it, Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
LOL, its true, women have drove me crazy with that for 40 years. How do they think? Who knows, right? They honestly believe that if we love them, we should "just" know what they are thinking, or want. They are not kidding, they really believe that. From the time of my first date at 13, till this very day, women have drove me batty with that idea!!!

I cannot even count how many times i've been told that? Why can't they just tell us what they want? What makes them think/believe that we should know this if we love them? That is really frustrating, you know? We guys come straight out with what we want, or need. How hard is that?

1C, i wish you all the best in finding that one special lady!

Dennis
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to dfromspencer's response:
I just need to interject that I love this community! You are all so supportive... if only there were more of this in the world! But I'm so glad you are all here for each other! (Chrissy, I hope you are feeling it, too)
 
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chrissyzajac replied to dfromspencer's response:
just wanted to reply and let everyone know whats up. i did end up getting the courage to ask him how he sees us as a couple. he said he wants to. also said that in January he will be not only working full time but going back to school as well. i told him im still willing to make it work with him if he is. he says wait till hes gone to school (because he'll be sooooo busy and have little time) and then we'll figure it all out. but im glad to know he really does want to be with me (even if i have to wait 3 months for him).

us women are complicated, ive known this- but so are men lol. not all men think the same way. my first bf i was with for 6 years and we just kinda got together and stayed there for a long time. my daughters father was kinda the same way. we were always together so we ended up a couple. it was always easy for me to decide if we were going to be a couple or not. this guy is different which with my history in men (a constant liar and an emotionally abusive man) is a GOOD thing. he loves to show me love and compassion and sometimes i swear he comes over some days just to play with my daughter lol.

i want to thank everyone for the advise. it really did help me
 
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dfromspencer replied to chrissyzajac's response:
Now that, is some fantastic news!!! I actually started crying reading your post. I am sooooo happy for you! We are all excited for you, so you had better come back, and keep us posted. This is like a good novel, you just can't wait to see how it ends.

Best of luck, always, Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
WE are the ones blessed by your presence, Dr. Becker-Phelps! I, for one, hope you stay here forever?

We need someone like you, with all of your expertise in matters of the heart. Please don't leave us, for any reason.


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