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How do we find "BEST" friends?
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dfromspencer posted:
Hi, i'm Dennis, and this is my story.

Recently, i lost my one and only best friend to cancer. His name was Joe, and i met him eight years ago. I'll be 54 in Dec., he would have been 59 this November. Joe was a true best friend, he knew how to be a real friend. I had never had a real best friend before Joe. Sure, i had friends, but no one was ever a true friend to me. By that i mean, someone who, if they said they would be there they would. Only Joe was like that, he would give you the shirt right off his back, if he knew you needed it. Joe was there for me, through thick and thin, be it financial, or just to talk to. Joe was my rock! Now he's gone, and i am all alone.

I only got to be with Joe for eight short years. Those eight years were filled with fun, contentment, and fulfillment. We did most everything together. We were living in Omaha, and at that time i was trying to get my S.S.I. going. Joe lived about five miles from me, and he would walk down to my place almost daily, just to check on me. On the days he couldn't make it, he would call. Several times, he came down to see if i needed cigaretts? If i did, he would make me stay home, and he would walk the mile and a half to get me some. I was having trouble with walking at that time. He knew this, and would not let me go with him. That is how my best friend was.

After i got my S.S.I. going, i saved enough money to move up to Spencer, so i would be closer to my brother. I asked Joe to move with me, and he did. On the day we moved, i found out that, i had rented a place right across the yard from his two daughters, and three grandchildren. What a coincidence! Joe made me a part of his family. So, in return, i would take him up to my brothers house. We shared everything.

Now he's gone, and i am all alone. At his funeral, i got to thinking, was I as good a friend as he was to me? I hope i was? There was nothing i would not do for that man! I loved him dearly, I loved him like a brother.
I can't believe he's gone? We had plans for the next thirty years. I have no idea, what i am going to do now? I feel lost, and helpless.

This is where you come in... How do I go about finding a new best friend? Joe and I kind of bumped into each other, and hit it off right away. I didn't have to search for him. How do I go about this? Please help me, I feel so clueless right now???

Thank you for listening, I hope you will help me?

Dennis
Reply
 
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dfromspencer replied to love2lol2's response:
Hi, Vicky

What a coincidence! I was just thinking, and crying about Joe. Then i clicked on this site, and read your post. Thank you for those beautiful words! I miss talking to him, he was always there, you know? It didn't matter if it was just to tease him, he was always there. Now, if that text had been sent, what would have come back? Nothing! True, what you said, he is no longer bound here by his pain! That is a relief, even i know that. But it does nothing for my miserable lonlyness. This feeling is very powerful, and doesn't seem to want to ease up any. I hate this crying like a baby! That is just not me. I like that i'm sensative, but this has got to stop. Crying over someone dying in a movie is nothing compared to real life. Why couldn't i have gone first? That is exactly what i asked all the powers that be. I did not want to be the one alone. Is that selfish of me? Probably. But i really wanted that to be so!

I am really sorry for your ailments!!! If only i could help, but how? If there is no cure, what will happen to you? How long can they keep this at bay? I'm hoping for a very long time! You are one of the real people. You don't find it necessary to portray yourself as anyone other than your true self. In other words, you don't find it necessary to lie. I don't either. Honesty is always the best policy, even if it hurts the ones we love. We
have to hope they will understand.

I can't say i've smiled that much, or at anyone lately? I can't seem to find any happiness lately. I know i should be glad to have known Joe, and i am, very! The sadness is pretty overwhelming, at times. I find it hard to believe, this pain of loss can be so terrible. There are times, when i cry so hard, i actually have to sit down, to keep from falling down. Why must it hurt like this? This is beginning to get rediculess.

Its hard to type through tears, so i will go for now. Vicky, what are these spoons you talk about? It sounds funny, but it probably isn't?
Take good care of yourself, I really like talking to you, Dennis
 
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love2lol2 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Dennis,
Before I forget to add this link, here is the explanation for the Spoon Theory. Christine Miserandino wrote it and there is no better explanation I have found. Christine is an advocate for Lupus, and has made many appearances all over educating people.I joined her support group 'But You Don't Look Sick' on Facebook.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I wish I could take away your pain Dennis, but sadly we all must go through our own grieving process. It's never the same for anyone. I've lost too many loved ones and know it never gets easier to lose them but it does get easier to manage. I lost my Father when I was 18 and now 40 years later, I still miss him terribly. He was my hero and I was 'Daddy's Little Girl'. Every time I am overwhelmed I go to the beach which is where we spent many weekends surf-fishing, and sing "Daddy's Hands" by Holy Dunn to him. It seems to help.

Let yourself cry Dennis, one day you will wake up and find your tears nearly gone, your smile will come back I promise you that. You will begin to smile thinking about all the good things and your pain will ease up but it takes time. Accept it and quit fighting it you must let it run it's course. I will be here whenever you need someone to talk to. I have a good ear and a good shoulder. I love to listen to music and find certain songs fill my needs. For you I choose, 'You've Got A Friend" by James Taylor. Go to You Tube and listen to it carefully.

If you haven't rescheduled your appointment with your Therapist you should, it will help a lot. In the meantime, next time you are out among people, make a point to smile at someone who looks like they need one, they are free and pay you back ten-fold most of the time. You've made me smile just seeing you respond to my posts. I really do enjoy talking to you too Dennis, I think we have a very good connection going and would love to keep building on it. I could handle finding a Best Friend about now also. Did I ever thank you for starting this thread? I'm sorry if I didn't because otherwise I wouldn't have met you and I can't tell you how much it means to me to have a connection to someone who cares and you don't even know me so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!

I too am typing through tears, so I will go now. Take good care of yourself too Dennis, I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs and Spoons,
Vicki (with an i) lol.
 
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dfromspencer replied to love2lol2's response:
Oh Vicki, thank you so much for that!!! I think i understand a little better now, just what it is you go through every day? I too, have chronic pain, but in no way is it likened to your pain. I can still get up every morning, and run around with little thought of my pain. I just need to remember to take my meds. Even with the meds, i hurt like hell, but hey, i can live with that. I really feel sad for you, now!

I was trying to eat supper while reading Christines story. Had to stop eating, and reading through tears is hard. But, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, that is an awsome story, and easily understandable. I get the Spoons now. If i could, I would give you a boat load of my spoons. I don't know how you do it? How do you make the decision which spoons to use, each and every day? You, my friend, have a hard life. I hope George will help you save your spoons.

Now, i feel as if my sorrow over Joe is nothing compared to you? Your suffering will never get easier. And i do understand what you mean about never getting over losing your father. I lost my mother when i was 18, she was murdered by her second husband. I never dealt very well with that, and it drove me crazy. I had to forgive him, to get past it. Unbelieveable! We have that in common. we were both 18. Wow!

I love that song by Holly, and the one from James, i know by heart. Thank you, for the song. I could not have picked a better one for you, "Daddy's Hands" was played at Joes funeral. His daughters insisted on it. Beautiful words! I almost cy, every time i hear it. I did cry when it was played at the funeral.

Ok, next time i'm out and about, i will smile at someone who needs it, for you. Well, for you, and me. And yes, i am waiting on the V.A. to reschedual my Therapists appt., it may take some time. Since i was not in service during a war, i am concidered a lower priority. I'll call them tomorrow, just to keep on em, tho.!

I do believe i should thank you? If you had not responded to my post, i would never have had the chance to meet you. It is my honor, and my privilege to know you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!!! I now have a real friend, one that i can count on. Now i'm crying again. I'm a regular water works. LOL

I don't get it? Every since i turned what, 35/6, I find it so easy to just start bawling, not just crying, but out and out bawling, loudly. What is wrong with me? Every little thing can get me going. Case in point, just today, i was waiting to exit the truck stop cafe, it was crowded, i glanced over my shoulder at a couple sharing a beautiful kiss. I saw the look of deep affection in their eyes, and i had to push my way out, so as not to cry in front of all those strngers. Is that the worst, or what? I even got caught crying in Walmart, by a young lady probably 17? She came over and put her hand on my shoulder. Such a caring young lady, made me cry harder. (I was crying for Joe) This strange behavior has got to stop.

Well my friend, i have to get ready for bed. I have to delver this truck in the morning, and need my beauty rest. Just kidding, i'm already beautiful! LOL

Good night, Vicki with an i. Till the next time, take care of those spoons. Dennis
 
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love2lol2 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Dennis,

Haha! You sound like me! I'm so emotional like that! I notice I lose control more when I haven't cried in a while but mostly when I'm down like you are now. I'm in a Lupus Flare as I said and having a really hard time getting back up this time. I don't have the support of my loved ones yet as none of them really know what I'm going through from day to day. I don't talk to them about it so it's my own fault.

I ran across another one of Christine's writings today that really hit home for me. I swear she is writing all the things I feel and going through but cannot find the words to express! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was reading my mind! Here is the link

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/chronic_illness_feelings/

You may find it fits you as well. Yes my health issues were hard to accept at first but now it's part of my life and I refuse to give up. Hey don't feel sad for me! I still have good times. My days aren't all bad, in fact I have more good days than bad ones for the most part. Pain is something that I live with, I've had it so long that I don't know what I'd do without it lol. It helps to talk about it especially when the person you're talking to is listening, even if they can't fully understand it. I'd rather live with the pain I have than go through the pain you're feeling any day.

What makes you laugh Dennis? I noticed I got an LOL out of you in your last post! That's a start! I love to laugh. I love witticisms. And I don't know what it is but there's a show on tru tv every Thursday called Inappropriate Jokers that makes me laugh till I cry. I hope they never take that show off the air. Do you like music? If so what kind do you listen to?

It's late and I must also get my beauty sleep, we may already be beautiful my friend but we can always strive for more right?

Hugs and Spoons,
Vicki
 
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love2lol2 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Dennis,
I forgot to suggest a great place to get help with your grieving process. Have you tried Hospice?

My first husband and Father of my two boys died of cancer in 2000. I took care of him and helped him so that he could pass in his own home. Hospice came and educated me on the dying process and was an awesome source of support for both of us. After he passed, they offered help and support in my grieving process and I really don't know how I would have made it through without their help!

Joining a support group for grieving may be something you would find helpful? Like I said before, I'm here if you ever need an ear or a shoulder.

Hugs and Spoons,
Vicki
 
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love2lol2 responded:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsiCoIZPY3Y

Another youtube song from me to you. Hope you had a good day today Dennis.

Hugs and Spoons,
Vicki
 
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Queenco1 responded:
Hi Dennis, I'm Co-Co'. I am sorry to hear about your great loss. Well, In answering your question, my friend you've already answered it in your last paragraph. You mentioned that when you met your best friend Joe, you two just kind of bumped into each other, & you didn't have to search for him. Well, i truly believe that when GOD brings someone special into your life, especially lasting realationships such as best friends, there really is NOTHING you will have to actually do except let it come your way. You know, not searching for it, just kind of bump into it. .. Be blessed sir & take care.
 
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rkarlow responded:
I have a small few people in my life whom I treasure & who cherish me in return... We love each other unconditionally as best we can. Sometimes their journey separates from mine, for whatever reason...my daughter's father drowned when she was 7 months old for one example. My experience is that what I've shared with each individual is different. What we shared, can never be duplicated.

There are new people that enter our lives & we share a different & solid bond that is ours alone. The next teacher, friend, sister/brother does show up. There will be someone new & different & very special in your heart to come into your life.

Just 1 of several reasons for this is that you recognize the value of such a lifelong friendship... There's a person waiting to meet you too & they will understand the value of your friendship also. You are a treasured friend waiting to happen in someone else's life also. You are sooooo not alone by a long shot. I agree with Chris, put yourself out there.

Do remember that the grief & loss process takes time... you will heal & recover. There are support groups & various other resources everywhere that support you as you go... Others are sharing similar loss and need your support too. Just one place to start...

I wish you the best. These are valuable lessons for you now & the tools are forged in the fire & they are solid. These coping/other tools are ones that help each person grow & be more aware & more skilled at being a better friend/person. It shall pass.

Take good care of yourself during this excruciating time... the same way you would take good care of someone you love, who's precious to you, who needs all the love & support you have to give.
 
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yorkielover9 responded:
Dennis, I am a nurse that subscribes to many Web MD newsletters and I read your posts today when I saw the headliner "How Do We Find Best Friends'? I am so glad you found Joe and even though you only had eight years together, I truly feel it was a special friendship and that you shouldn't worry it wasn't equal on your part. I think it takes good friendship qualities on both sides for a friendship to endure. I am so glad to read about a friendship as special as that as we all hope to find that special friend someday. I hope you find it again. Life is so full of changes in my experience your true friends one year aren't the same the next year. It also takes good friendship qualities on both sides, so remember that when you are worrying you weren't as good quality of a friend as he was. It has to be a good effort on both sides....I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back and so many of my friends fell out of my life, I couldn't work for a few months, they called for awhile, but the phone calls and visits became shorter and shorter. Then when I finished my treatment everyone went on with their lives and I went on to a different job, new group of friends, but nothing quite as special as what you are describing with Joe. Few people I know would move with my son and I to a new city, etc. My advice to you is to just live your life and be open to new people in it. I really think we are all clueless as to how that works and that there are really no instruction booklets on this. I was glad to hear you two just ran into each other rather than being introduced by a mutual friend or something, it shows you that if it happened once, it can happen again. We all want that kind of friendship so it gives us all hope. Your posts give me hope, that type of friendship is really special! We would all like special people like "Joe" in our lives. You sound like a really great person and I hope Joe's family still keeps you close in their lives. I hope these thoughts help you.....
Marla
 
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dfromspencer replied to love2lol2's response:
Hi, Vicki

Its me again, hoping to bug you a little more. But first, I want you to know, right up front, when I ask you how you are, i DO care! And its OK to be sick, and not write too often if you can't. Cool?

Thank you sooooo much for the song!!! It is great, one i have never heard before. I'm sorry, i don't know how to post links, or cut and paste things. I was never really interested in those things, you know? Actually, i concidered myself too old to even learn the computer. Yet there are the basic things i need to do, that i can. The article from Christine said so much! Thank you for that, also. It was awsome! Remember this, always, you never have to pretend with me, I like you just the way you are! I think you are funny, witty, and charming, most of all, you are kind, caring, and giving. I swear, you could be the female version of Joe! By that, i mean, you have been a great friend to me.

You asked me, what makes me laugh? Lets see, I like a good comedy, funny jokes, yes, even witticisms, people make me laugh, animals doing funny things, all sorts of things.

You asked me about the music i like. For the most part, it would have to be classic rock. But i also love blues, country, big band era, doo wop, just about anything but rap crap!

You never told me anything about you. You can tell alot about a person by their favorite color, the books they like, their favorite music, things like that. I would like to get to know Vicki.

Now, on to a harder subject. Your husband died of cancer, that had to be tougher than what i am going through. Wow! I guess Hospice was a big help? I know what they do for the patient, and the immediate family, but they never offered me any help. Should i have asked them? Is it to late to ask? I don't know about a support group, i may never be around when they meet? And before you ask, yes Ma`am, i called the V.A. about my therapist appointment. I'm keeping on em.

This past week was a real bear for me. I thought it would never end. Now i'm home, just got here at 4:30pm., and the next thing i know, my boss calls and wants me to be in Wells, Mn. tomorrow morning. I told him no way. I have things to get done, after being gone a whole week. Banking, laundry, clean house, just to name a few. I told him to find someone else, and he will.

Its getting late. Ha! Its only 7pm., but i drove all day, from 4;30am. just to get here at a decent time. I can hardly hold my eyes open, so off to bed for me.

Take good care, my friend. I hope today was better than yesterday for you! Peace, and sweet dreams!

Dennis

P.S. I got a kick out of your "We may already be beautiful my friend, but we can always strive for more". R.O. F.L.!!!

P.S.S. I cried so hard, reading Christine's words, but the next three posters, had me bawling so hard, i don't think i'll ever stop? Please feel free to read them, they touched my heart like you have. D.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Queenco1's response:
Hi, Co Co

Thank you, for those kind words. I do believe you are right? We just need to be open, and allow others into our hearts.

Take care, Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to rkarlow's response:
Thank you, RKarlow

I am so sorry for your loss! To lose a husband must be tougher than losing a best friend? Then again, a Husband, friend, father, mother, its all the same. A loved one's death is never easy! Like you said, it is an excruciating pain!!!

I will keep your words in my heart.

Thanks again, take care, Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to yorkielover9's response:
Hi, Marla

Thank you so much for that heartfelt answer to my post! I too, hope that one day, someone will bump into me, and be the Joe i'm missing so badly. Who knows, it may be tomorrow?

I am so sorry you had cancer! Yet, you beat it, i hope? Joe could not. His was so bad, it was everywhere. We figured he must have had it since he was younger? There was no hope. No cure. I am so glad you beat it! I hope you live a happy, friend filled life!!!

Thank you again, take care, Dennis
 
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love2lol2 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Dennis!
I'm so happy to hear your bear of a week is over! Good for you for saying no and taking a break to take care of you. Maybe some day your boss will call and tell you that you have to be in Northern California Now THAT would be awesome! (That's my favorite word by the way).

I am also ecstatic to tell you I had a gr8 day today! I am finally pulling out of my Lupus Flare and on the mend....Look out! I'm baaack!! Now if my hair would hurry up and grow back I'd be a happy camper!! The worst part is over tho'. It was good to have your support as this was the worst flare I've experienced to date. Thank you for being there for me when nobody else was. It means a lot to me.

My Grand Daughter was with me today and I had a Dr.'s appt. which I took her to. She asked so many questions, (she's 3). And as we were walking behind the Dr. to get some info. from the printer, she started singing the song from her newest favorite cartoon, Dr. McStuffin's. "I feel better, so much better, thank you doc for takin' all my ouches away!" I've been singing it ever since hahaha!! What a joy she is!

We have many many things in common Dennis. TV, movies, music (I don't consider rap to be music, nor heavy metal lol). My favorite color is purple, I'm not very materialistic, and when asked what I want for Christmas or my Birthday or any gift, the answer is always the same,,,pictures. I love pictures! Love the Redwoods, the beach, camping, especially near the river. Nature! Spending time with my family and friends. I love to lol, sing, tho' not so good at it anymore so it's a good thing I live alone hehe. I haven't done it in a while, but I like crafting, sewing, woodworking (I used to make photo albums from Old Growth Redwood) and for my special friends and family I'd burn a picture on the cover. My sister loves hummingbirds so I burned a picture of a hummingbird feeding from a flower. I lost my wood supplier and don't know how to cut the wood. I miss doing that a lot! I love to be surrounded by caring, loving people, candle-light dinners along with good conversations. Diverse, open minded people, if we were all the same, life would be boring!! We think alike when it comes to things like "Ancient Aliens" lol. So many more I can't begin to list them all!

Dislikes= Rude people, confrontations, drama. Drunks, drugs etc. I'm a bit of a picky eater I suppose. Tend to go for the simple foods....Bugs lol, especially spiders! What can I say I'm a girl lol. Like to fish but not bait the hook hehe ewww! It took me years to be able to eat meat after seeing it raw, looong story lol. I'm sure there's more but I try not to dwell on the negative.

And yes you should inquire about Hospice and their various programs that might be available. At the very least they have reading material I'm sure you would enjoy.

Taking care of my ex-husband was probably the hardest yet the most rewarding thing I've ever done. We were divorced by that time and to tell you the truth I was glad I could do that for him. I wouldn't have wanted my boys to see their Father in his true form. Toward the end he wore two pairs of sweat-pants and shirts so no one could see how thin he had gotten. As I told you earlier, my views on the dying process are different than most. He is in a better place free of pain and suffering, a Butterfly who is bringing peace to many.

I would be glad to teach you how to cut and paste Dennis! You're never too old as long as you can work your mouse lol. For instance lesson one,,,,,go up to the address bar and put your arrow over the address,,,,click on the right side of your mouse and it will highlight the address and give you a list of things you can do like,,,cut,,,copy,,,paste,,,, take your arrow and click on "copy",,,, open a reply box here like you were going to reply to my post,,,, inside the box,,,right click on your mouse again and that same list will open,,,,choose paste,,,,hit the submit button and voila you've sent me a copy of this discussion lol. Practice!!
 
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love2lol2 replied to love2lol2's response:
Who'd a thunk I ran out of available characters in that post. Guess I'm getting pretty comfy talking to you so that's good! I don't do that often! You must be a special person

I want to tell you again how thankful I am you started this thread. I feel we have made an awesome connection and look forward to hearing from you each time you post. I just know we will become 'Best Friends" in no time. How awesome are you!!

I hope you're getting your beauty rest although I have no idea how you can be any more of a beautiful person than you are now.

AOYP, Hugs and Spoons,
Vicki


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