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I feel like my fianc? puts me down...
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StacyVaughn posted:
Putting everything else that has ever been said aside. Today we went to my obgyn appointment together, as we do every month. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant. While we were in the waiting room this EXTREMLY pregnant girl walked in. She was one of those super ity bity girls with an 8-9 months pregnant belly. My fiancé notices her and says, "whoa, she's ity bity, and her belly is huge!" I kinda laughed and said, "ya, that's what Cassy (my older also pregnant sister) looks like." Than he says, "why aren't you like that, or why can't you be like that (something along those lines.)" I was 125 before getting pregnant, and at seven months am almost 150. I'm like 10 pounds over what I have to be. I have the lowest self esteem, and always have. I was completely taken off guard when he said that, and was instantly repeating to myself not to cry! All I could think to say back at the time was, "cause I'm fat." And he said back, "cause you don't take care of yourself." After that I picked up a magazine and pretended to be involved with it, to avoid any more disscussion or eye contact. This is my first pregnancy and let me tell you, it has not been easy! When I finally got over all the vomiting, I had like a three weeks period of bliss. Than everything started hurting, it's so painful just to get up in the morning.

Anyway. I know I have crazy hormones right now, is it just me, or was that really mean!? Cause my feelings are super hurt, and I'm feeling way worse about myself than I already was... I thought he was suppose to support me, and help me feel better and toes stressed..
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StacyVaughn responded:
Less stressed* sorry. And any advice on how to handle the situation?
 
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An_240941 responded:
I agree, that was a pretty mean thing to say. He should be nicer and more supportive and help keep you as "stress free" as possible.At least that's my opinion. It may have only hurt and upset you so much because your hormonal but either way it probably really wasn't appropriate.

When I got pregnant with my first child I was 125lbs too, my pregnancy wasn't easy either and I gained way more than I should have. Within a years time I was back down to 125lbs, but it took hard work, diet, and exercise. None the less I accomplished my goal and got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and so can you so long as you're healthy and there is nothing holding you back medically from doing so and you mentally and emotionally want to and actually put the effort into it.

When I got pregnant with my second child I was 125lbs and by the time I had her (and she was a preemie born at 35wks, but over 8lbs lol) I was way more than I should have been ( like I weighed I think 170lbs!). Anyhow now 2 yrs later I'm down to 145lbs, but this time around I haven't put as much effort into loosing the weight (my husband doesn't want me to loose anymore weight and says he will be mad if I go below 135lbs because he feels it's an unhealthy weight for my height. I'm kind of tall.).

Point being, he wasn't nice, but don't beat up on yourself. Everyone gains weight differently during pregnancy and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself during your pregnancy. It's suppose to be a happy time. Try to enjoy it and if you SO isn't treating you right maybe you should try to calm yourself and talk to him about it. It may help if you let him know how you feel My husband use to may comments like that all the time. I finally talked to him about it and he said that when I make comments like "I'm fat" or something he makes him mad and so he would just tell me to "take better care of myself" or "to work harder to loose weight" or whatever, just stupid stuff. Anyway, he never meant any of it he just felt like when he did say nice things I didn't pay attention (and for my situation he was right) so he went the opposite route just to get me to "shut up" so to speak so he didn't half to hear me say awful things about myself. That's how mad it made him. I know it's not the exact same situation as yours, but just talk to him.Let him know how you feel and find out how he feels. It might help you resolve the issue.

I wish you the best and congrats in your pregnancy.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to An_240941's response:
Thanks. I did bring it up. I was feels down and he kept trying to touch me and implying he wants to have sex when he get home from work. I tried to not bring it up, cause it was right before he needed to leave, but he kept asking me what was wrong. So I told him, "you don't want me," and he got all pissed off, blah blah, and asked why I thought that. I told him you want "it" doesn't mean you want me. And brought up what he said earlier. He went on, how effing stupid, this and that, said I contort everything he says, putting words. His mouth, and was just all pissed off at me. I told him I didn't contort anything. He flat out said, why can't I be like that. What's there to misinterpret? Told him to not call out my weight, then expect me to want to take my clothes off for him. I ignored him for awhile, layed down to rest. When he went to leave for work, it was as if the whole thing slipped his mind. I usually walk out to his truck with him, kiss/hug him goodbye. But instead I stayed on the couch, and said bye when he told me he was leaving. He acted hurt that I didn't want to walks him out like usual. I felt bad, but was not only hurt cause of what he said, but than belittling my feelings to what he said. The fact he turned it around on me. I feel a little beat up, and confused on what to do. He'll be home in a few hours, and I don't know what I'm suppose to say, or how to act. Was I wrong? Should I be upset? Sigh* I don't know. I'm an emotional wreck.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to StacyVaughn's response:
The question isn't whether you "should" feel upset. It's how you feel; and it's important that he respect that. Think about it: what would you tell a friend who said her boyfriend treated her like yours treated you?

For relationships to work out for the longterm, partners need to feel safe and secure with each other. You most definitely sound like you don't feel emotionally safe. In fact, from what you say, trying to talk with him made you feel worse.

One way to move a relationship in the direction of feeling that both partners respect and care for each other is to talk about feelings about the relationship when both people are calm. If you feel like your attempts to do this are shut down, then you need to consider carefully how you want to continue. You can try a different approach in getting your message across, decide to end the relationship, accept the situation and continue it as is (not an option I'd recommend) or seek couple therapy.


Also, you've made it clear that you struggle with low self-esteem. No matter what happens with your boyfriend, I hope you work on improving this... think of how much better you would feel if you felt good about yourself! And, if that's not enough motivation, think of how much better you would feel as a mother to your child!

Good luck to you.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thanks. I am now really thinking about ending the relationship. It's extremely painful and I am not confident that I could do it. But he called me after everything while he was at work. Had completely turned around, felt bad, said we really need to tall about this when he gets home, blah blah blah. He told me to have his two preexisting kids in bed by the time he's home, so we can talk about it. This caused me to kinda calm down and be a little more positive, open minded to talk. He calls me again right when he got out of work, to tell me his friend who also does work on his truck, finally got back to him. He has been trying to get ahold of him for like a month, and was suppose to get work done on his truck a long time ago. So he tells me that his friend told him to come to the shop, so he's going to "swing by" there after work.. Two hours later he's still not home (his friends auto body shop is literally 60 secs down the road from our house). I feel really put off, and insignificant to him. I feel like I make more of an effort, and desire him, in ways he won't- or can't towards me. I'm seven months pregnant and unemployed. So this has been very traumatizing to come to.
 
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fcl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
I can understand about him wanting to go to his friend's if he's been trying to get in touch with him for so long. I really don't think this was intended to belittle you. Try not to let it get to you.

As for the part in the waiting room - was that an isolated incident or was it pretty commonplace? Does he often say things like that? His first comment was rude but I think that when he said you didn't take care of you he was actually trying to soften your declaration that you were fat. Men can be clumsy sometimes.

All I can suggest is not to make any major decisions until after the baby is born...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Ok, I know this reply is going to seem WAY out there, but I've been following your story on the other forum and I've been thinking all along and even more now that he's an abuser. The thing is that I don't think it'll really settle in until after you marry him. I think he will then turn really nasty towards you.

Sorry. Like I said I know this seems way out there. I didn't come up with this because one incident that you're referring to here. It's everything you've said about him. There's so much control he has over you and then he gives just enough to make you happy for a minute or apologizes to shut you up, but nothing really changes.

Part of me agrees with FCL about waiting to make big decisions, but the other part of me knows it will be a LOT harder after your baby is born.

All the things you keep saying about what you want and how you think things should be are really true, and you deserve for them to be that way. Good luck.
 
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fcl replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Oh my goodness, I thought your name looked familiar. Please ignore my post above. I agree ENTIRELY with everything tmlmtlrl said.

You deserve so much better than this.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to fcl's response:
I understood him wanting to go to the shop as well. I tried to not be too upset about it, but couldn't help to be when I was already upset.

When we talked later he was communicating that he didn't think before he said it, like you mentioned, clumsy. And since I didn't react in the waiting room, he assumed I took it innocently- as in his mind he was implying. I told him that I don't want to be mad at him for it cause that's how he honestly feels. But at the same time I can't ignore something like that. It's one thing to think it, but to actually hear it/know it is way more hurtful. He didn't say much. He was pretty quiet, and started to cry a couple times. Last thing I told him, was there's something really important in every relationship. And over time, it has been demolished. He asked what the was, and I said I don't feel emotionally secure and comfortable anymore. It's a matter of if we can work through it.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I've thought the same thing before. When we first started dating I needed somewhere to stay, and it eventually led to me having to move in with him (for a year). During that time we were at eachothers throats all day every day. He is so OCD, every time I unknowingly did something to contradict "the usual" it was a huge fight. We were both bitter and mean towards each other. But it came down to us breaking up, or fixing it. So ever since than we have both made big efforts to progress in our relationship, we learned to communicate a lot better than before (believe it or not). His last fianc?/baby mama had a huge load of issues herself. After getting to know her and her family, I know first hand a lot of truths. The were both toxic for eachother, but neither wanted to end it cause of their daughter. Neither showed affection in any way, and broke each other down. I've noticed him getting more defensive towards me over certain things due to that. He'll usually come around and see it as well.

So knowing all of that, I've tried very hard to break him of that past relationship, and those habits. I try to be more romantic and affectionate towards him, cause he's not use to having that, or being that way. We've also come pretty far in that department. But as you've noticed he hasn't come far enough. So now I've reached a point where I need him to show me more effort and progress. Cause dealing with all this, my family drama, his two toddlers, AND being a hormonal pregnant chick, I'm just not strong enough to hold both of us up anymore. I can't keep ignoring his moments of anger and disrespect, and hope for the better. I need to see it. Even more so after yesterday. I'm trying to scrape up the courage to leave him, even if its at least a break. Some separation to clear my head of all these problems, and focus on being happy and healthy, and being strong enough for my baby girl so I can be a good mother to her.

I've never worked so hard for something in my entire life. For whatever reason I've devoted all of me and my time into helping him progress, having a happy relationship with him. He is my best friend, I know he loves me, and I'm sure wants to treat me how I want to be treated. I'm just questioning if he's capable of that. I've helped him break down so many of his walls, but we've reached a point I think it's up to him to break down the rest.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to fcl's response:
I really to appreciate everyone's support and advice. It has helped me tremendously. Like I've said in a previous post, I really have no one to turn to and talk about this. So this website is pretty much my only shoulder to lean on.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to StacyVaughn's response:
This sounds serious (and getting more serious with another baby on the way) and like you feel in over your head. Please consider getting therapy. If money is a problem, you can find low-cost help; such as at a local hospital outpatient center, clinic, or school that trains therapists.
 
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Ammy42 responded:
He was very mean when he said that and whatever else he has said to you before then. You need to talk with him before it goes any further or both of you go to counseling. If you do not start feeling good about yourself your baby will feel the same way, your baby will have the same characteristics as you and also allow others to say ugly things. I know this because I went through the same thing. I was depressed while pregnant and now my son is lazy, sleeps a lot and have other issues that we are trying to work through. Please don't let this happen any longer for your baby's sake. Remember it's not only what you eat affects your baby it's what you live also!

Be Blessed.
 
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clipper1956 responded:
15 years ago I married a man that sounds like your man. One child 14 and now divorcing that man. I tried everything to make our marriage work, I believe I'm a loving kind person and he just took took took! He is an abuser of the verbal kind. He's 50 and started acting like he is having a mid-life crisis and he started heavily drinking and then hit me and shoved my 14 year old daughter. PLEASE GET OUT NOW! It will only get worse! You could become the next 48 hrs show victim or anything else for that matter. Love yourself and leave the relationship nothing helped ours (he's a resigned pastor). My soon to be ex is a classic narcissistic personality disorder. These kind of men only love themselves and you will never be loved like you want!


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