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Here it is.. How to leave your partner while pregnant?
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StacyVaughn posted:
A few of you seem to already be familiar with my situation, due to past posts. It's come down to me wanting to leave my fiancé; I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant. I'm just sick of what even I see as, emotional abuse. Even if he doesn't know it, or doesn't mean it, I have enough on my plate. I've found trying to deal with him/our relationship drama has become unbearable. The worst part is he doesn't seem to understand. This is my first pregnancy. I pictured it as a happy experience, but it has been anything but that. I've always been insecure as is, and struggled with eating disorders in the past. My fiancé has made constant remarks about my weight, comparing me to his ex (I was 120 I'm now almost 150). I unable to feel emo tally secure with him, and I definitely can't be comfortable intamitly with him. Everyone says how a pregnant woman is such a beautiful thing, but all I see is how gross I look. I wish I never got pregnant. When I use to want three kids, I don't ever want to get pregnant again. I really need some advise on how to go about this. How do I tell him? How do I act towards him after wards? Etc..

A huge issue I'm also having with this is I cannot imagine ust sending my baby/child off to stay with (even though its her father) someone else. For me to not be there. What if he yells at her, or does something I wouldn't want him to? I want her to have her father, I think that's really important. I just don't know how to be ok with her having two homes, living some where else.. I see how it has affected his two kids, and I do not want that..
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StacyVaughn responded:
I'm unable to feel emotionally secure* sorry
 
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fcl responded:
Just a couple of thoughts...

"What if he yells at her, or does something I wouldn't want him to?"

How does he treat his two other children? That should be a pretty good indication of how he will treat the new baby.

"I see how it has affected his two kids, and I do not want that.."

Just being from two separate homes is not generally what affects children most, rather, how their parents behave towards them and towards one another.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to fcl's response:
He tends to have unrealistic expectations of people in general. So when it comes to the kids, it's like he forgets that they are young, and expects them to do things how he expects the first time. Even though its not often, I do feel like he is too hard on them, and does yell at them. Sometimes, I understand, sometimes he's just stressed and is being intolerant.

Him and his ex separated when his daughter was 1-2 and when her son was 5. I agree it has to do with the parents. There are inconsistencies between both houses, cause there aren't the same rules etc. I feel like for kids that young it's confusing. They don't fully grasp the situation. I just don't want myself or any child of mine dealing with it.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Stacy

I am so sorry it has come to this. But, if you feel you must, then leave. Don't worry about the baby now, worry about yourself first. Your health, and sanity comes first, ok? Do NOT worry about your ex-fiance`! He is a big boy now, he can take care of himself.

Before you leave, make sure you have some kind of support. Not only for you, but the baby that is comming. You said you had no support, I certainly hope you have found some since then? All of us here, will help you however we can.

I do not think you should let him have the baby! This is your first child, and you should be the one taking care of her. With some support, you can have a job, and get help with a sitter. Do NOT give him that baby!

As for him using disparaging remarks towards your weight gain, what did he expect? You need to eat alot right now, you are feeding two. Its natural to gain a few extra pounds. Don't worry, you can lose it later, if you don't want to keep it. At 150, you probably look fantastic? Pregnant women, ARE absolutely beautiful!!! Do not listen to his B.S.

Stacy, here's the thing, if you are unhappy with your situation, change it. Only you can. He is not going to change himself, so change your situation to something you want, and need. Don't look back. No regrets. No what if's. You know you need to change this, for your own well being, and the baby's. So, if you do leave, look towards your own happiness.

Remember, you have all of us here for support. Use us, we do notind at all. I wish you all the happiness in the world, your baby is a great start. Be happy, be healthy.

Stay in touch, Dennis
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks, Dennis. I do have my mom and dad helping out, but they can only do so much. I watched my older siblings make the mistake of having my mom always baby sit for them (even though they're married) so that they can work. My mom is a little older, and not completely emotionally stable. So it became very hard on her to be baby sitting little ones all the time, and could never say no. Cause of course she wants to, she's just not capable. My dad eventually stepped in and told them my mom is to no longer watch other people's kids (the occasional baby sitting is different). So it leaves me in a bad situation with not having anyone to watch her. I'll be damned if I leave her at a daycare. And my other brothers and sisters are just not in a situation they would have the time to baby sit. I don't have any friends to ask either. When my three older siblings were young, my parents had a young adult man baby sit for them, that they went to church with. They later caught on that he was sexually abusing them. So leaving her with anyone, no matter how trust worthy they may seem, is not something I think I will ever be able to do. It's just not safe anymore. So I'm not sure how I'd be able to go about working, and get on my feet, if I left him

His ex fianc? was overweight when they met. When she got pregnant (with her 5th kid) she exercised and lost 20lbs while pregnant. I started out really skinny, and will admit am a little chubby (not to the point I'm worried about not being able to drop the weight after the baby though). So in his mind there's no reason why I had to gain more weight than what is needed for the baby. But this is my first pregnancy. Especially lately, it has been very painful just to get up, or even walk short periods of time. I tried exercising (treadmill) for a short time, but it was so painful, I couldn't do it. Whenever I try to tell him that, or before when I was always sick to my stomach, he would just say I'm making excuses. He does seems to be a little more understanding recently, cause I've been in even more pain, unable to do as much, and he has seen it first hand.

I put leaving on hold, for the reasons above. And am hoping things will remain calm until the birth at least. If he does or says one more thing though, I can't stay with him. I don't think I could handle anymore disappointment and hurt.
 
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fcl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Please don't write off daycares just because of one pervert. Most daycares (and a babysitter isn't a daycare) are great places for children They are structured, organized, and help children learn to socialize (among many other things). Check out the possibilities around where you live and make sure you get references.

Please also stop torturing yourself about your weight. Your bf hasn't a clue about waht you're going through - he's never been pregnant and never will be. He is also far too self-centred to try to put himself in your place. Stop exercising if it causes pain - pain is NOT good! I suggest you tell your doctor that you're having pain on the treadmill. Does it hurt when you just walk (everyday walking, I mean)? If it does then you have a double reason to mention it to your doctor.

It's time to start thinking more about yourself and the baby and what is good for you and less about what your bf wants.

Take care.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Hi, Stacy

I had just finished typing the second paragraph, and this laptop took off somewhere, and deleted it. Bummer!

To make this shorter, Go to D.H.S., and apply for all the programs you can possibly qualify for. Then, LEAVE!

You do not need to put up with his B.S., ok?

Being pregnant the first time, can be an exciting, wonderful, and scary time. You most definately do NOT need his put downs! To me, that proves he does not love you very much. When my ex was first pregnant, i tried very hard to be sensative to her needs, wants, desires, but mostly, her feelings. Your fiance seems to care less, he only cares about your weight? Wow, what an insensative lout!

You and your baby deserve so much more. You should be treated lovingly, not put down.

I hope you don't end up like some other's, in a loveless environment, that would suck! Get out fast, thats my suggestion.

I wish you, and your baby, all the luck in the world, and all the love you can find, Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to dfromspencer's response:
P.S. Please don't give up completely on daycare. Both of my children went to daycare, and they turned out to be wonderful adults. Hell, they were wonderful children!

Never give up on finding true love! That man you are with now, knows nothing of it!

D.
 
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fcl replied to dfromspencer's response:
My daughters went to a daycare centre and it was a wonderful place I learned a lot from the people who worked there. They were responsible, accessible professionals and my daughters loved them! It was small wonder they had such a long waiting list.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I agree on not giving up on daycare. DS was in daycare for a year and was only taken out when DH lost his job. Currently, both kids are in daycare twice a week and with my parents twice a week. They're in a private home instead of a center and they both love it.
 
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dfromspencer replied to fcl's response:
Hi, FCL

My kids went to the Montissori Day Care, in Colo. Spgs., they loved it. Yep, they too, had a waiting list. There were times i went to pick them up, and they would not want to leave.

Professional? Oh yes, they were very professional, and very good at what they did. I was impressed.

You see, Stacy? Other's have had great experiences with Day Care.
 
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dfromspencer replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
Thank you, tlKittycat

Thank you for reinforcing our views on Day Care, for Stacy. That was very nice of you.

P.S. I am so glad your children enjoy Day Care. Enjoy them while they are young, they grow up so fast.

Take care, Dennis
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
There's so many things wrong with so many daycares. Are their decent ones in different states? Sure. But I've yet to hear anyone tell me about a day care they liked or trusted where I live. Even for a crappy one its extremely expensive= not worth it, or the risk. You have absolutely no way of knowing what exactly goes on. I don't even think kids should be allowed in a daycare before a certain age. No matter how great, it's certainly not a place for a baby.
 
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fcl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
People tend not to spontaneously tell you about daycare you need to ask. Ask arouind at work and see what people say. Get yourself a list of local daycares and visit a few. Ask them for references. Check out the references. I understand that you are unwilling to consider them but do you have an alternative?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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