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speak posted:
hi WEb MD , i am in a relationship for the past 12 years. things was pefect but lately the relationship be comes so unhappy as everything a problem , i believed some of it has to do with my medication as it makes me gets upset over most things. my boyfriend works long hours so i am alone most times. i met a guy and we started to spend long hours on the phone . we started hanging out togather , i found ouy i had feelings for him, we had sex once , i later broke it because i want to give my relationship a try but i just cont get over this guy. what can i do?
dfromspencer responded:
Tell your boyfriend! Thats what you should do, be honest. He has a right to know. What you did was wrong! Cheating is not the answer to any problem. Appearently, there is a problem in your relationship? If not, why did you cheat? Be honest with yourself first. What is the underlying cause of your cheating? Once you know that, you can fix this problem, and hopefully, your relationship?

If you really want this relationship to work, you will have to come clean with your long term boyfriend. That is the only way.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
When people are in relationships but are then attracted to someone else, the first thing thing they need to do is decide what they want. If you want to give your relationship an honest try, then you need to focus your energy there. Honestly try to let go of this other guy -- stop all communication and focus on improving your current relationship. Consider what problems there are in your relationship and work with your partner on fixing them.

If all fails and you can't make the relationship work (including getting your mind and heart back in the relationship), then maybe it's time you moved on? If it is, it's respectful and best for everyone to be honest with your partner and end the relationship -- THEN move on to another person.

Does this make sense to you?
StacyVaughn responded:
You have no choice. You need to tell your boyfriend. It was more than a physical affair. Put yourself in his shoes. I always said once you think about cheating, the relationship is already over. You need to do your boyfriend the favor and leave him if he doesn't leave you. He deserves better.
speak replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
hi leslie, thank you for your your help. what you said makes sense but how do i start ? i want to give my current relationship a honest try but my boyfriend doesn't listen . i dont know if its a age problem as he's 54 years old and i'm 36, he makes my life so old and bored, what can i do for him to listen? we both have so much to lose as we buy house and other stuff togather.
speak replied to dfromspencer's response:
hi Dfromspencer. thank you for your help. i can see that your understanding is high as you didn't respond to my discussion by throwing stones @ me for what i did, this is 12years so if i didn't want to be with this guy, we would be over with ages ago.yes there is a problem and we will try to fix it hopefully
dfromspencer replied to speak's response:
He didn't listen when you cheated on him??? Or have you not told him? He has every right to know! What kind of future will you have, if the future is based on lies, and deceptions? Cheating is a big slap in the face. If that didn't make him listen, perhaps he doesn't care enough to have a relationship? (Thats "IF" you told him?) You don't sound very enthusiastic, yourself?

I am thinking, you guys need some therapy/outside help? If you can't get him to listen, maybe someone else can?
dfromspencer replied to dfromspencer's response:
P.S. speak, have you thought about therapy? Or someone to intervine on your behalf? Could help? Just saying?

Good luck!
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to speak's response:
No one can make someone else listen to them. Without listening, no relationship can survive -- at least, it can't survive in any healthy way. You might consider couple therapy to help open up your communication.

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