Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
He cheated..three times..now what?
avatar
brokenspirit posted:
I am so in need of advice!! I met my husband 10 years ago. I was divirced and he a widower. I helped raise his last three kids the first 4 years of our marriage. 5 years into the marriage I found out he had been having a sexual affair with a really disgusting woman the whole time we dated right up till I busted him. Said he would never do it again. I had some tough times for a few years after...I lost all my parents ( mom,dad and step parents). During one of the times my mom had to go to surgery and they told us she probably would not make it he could not be at the hospital with me. Found out a few days later(while sitting in intensive care for my mom) after looking at his cell phone that while I had been spending time with my mom he was having phone conversations with another woman. In fact, he couldnt be with me on that day cuz he was going to go meet this woman. says now he backed out of the meeting but I dont believe that. Because of all of this I told him I would not be coming back till he got help(therapy). So for the next 5 months we lived apart and I went to therapy and so did he. the plan was for us both to get healthy and then I come home and we go to therapy together. We talked every morning and at nite and alot during the day. he told me he loved me constantly and couldnt wait for me to be home. We were in the end discussions for me to come home and planning the day...and I found out he was cheating again. Not JUST cheating.....every nite that he said he loved me over the phone he would hang up and make love to this woman...in OUR bed. Yep, thats right...he had moved her into our home. She was showering in my bathroom...cooking in my kitchen and having sex with him in my bed. The next few weeks were a nightmare and yes..I did move home. And he continued to sneak around with her for 6 weeks before COMMITTING to our marriage. It has been a year now and I am so unhappy. I live in the home where he brought her and he says we cant move ( its a farm) and everyday is reminders and pain for me. He has not cheated in this whole year and swears that is over and that we can move on if I cant forget...but I cant forget. Some days ( very few) I am "ok"...but for the most part depressed, stressed and waiting for it to happen again. Since he has been faithful a year he thinks I should get over it...BUT his new thing is porn and pressing me constantly to have a threesome with another woman. he says he wont touch her and that he just wants to watch me be with her. The problem with that is that I find it distasteful and do not want to do it. I feel as tho he is trying to cheat again but just get me involved with it so i cant complain. I hate the house we live in cuz of the memories. I hate the porn and pressure to do the threesome. I am just so unhappy...but i do have days I feel as tho i love him and when I am away from him I miss him...or is it that I am worried he is cheating...I am so confused. I am getting to an age where I want PEACE and NO DRAMA in my life. I dont want to be a porn watching swinging person...I wanna be a wife and grandma.
Reply
 
avatar
fcl responded:
Do you really love him or are you just so used to having him around that you would miss his presence?

He's cheated rpeatedly and thinks you should just "get over it". I can hardly believe that a sane person would expect that of someone. He wants you to have a threesome no doubt because that would give him authorization do have sex (of course he says he wouldn't touch her but afterwards he's liable to say "Sorry honey, you know it was in the heat of the moment ..."

The ony thing I can advise is to leave him. Let him go. Get him out of your life. You'll be surprised at the weight that will lift from your shoulders when yoiu do. Imagine it, no more worrying about where he is, what he's doing - because that's what days are made of, right? Life is too short for all of this drama.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
StacyVaughn responded:
Ugh, I cannot stand unfaithful partners I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this. When someone is able to cheat on you once, it makes it even easier for it to happen again. Do. Not. Settle. Even if he only cheated on you once I'd reccomend you leave and never look back! But this happened with multiple girls, over periods of time. Who knows what he hasn't told you. Only reason you know what you do is cause YOU caught him. He couldn't be there for you even when you needed him most. Is that someone you want to stay with? Screw (couples) therapy. Get whatever help you need, but get it for YOURSELF.
You are going to have love for him. You will miss him, of course. That's ok. That doesn't mean you should be with him. Hell, women that are physically abused love/miss their partner, and struggle to leave. That doesn't mean they should imprison themselves in such a relationship.
I can tell you this, you will never be happy with him ever again. You may go periods of time, and have your moments, but these are things that will haunt you. I tried to make a relationship works after he cheated on me only one time, and it caused a break down once a month. It's a continuous hurt. Even if he was sincere and NEVER did it again, it would continue to hurt. Please don't make this mistake again, do not stay with him!
There are people that fall in love. Get married. Have a family. They're there for each other, show their love, do anything to make you smile, would die before ever even thinking of hurting their partner in such ways. Please please please. Find someone that ACTUALLY makes you happy. Who ACTUALLY loves you. Who would NEVER imagine hurting you. Doesn't that sound better than what you have with this.. Pathetic excuse for a man *cough* boy?
 
avatar
dfromspencer responded:
Hi, Broken

I have to go with what the prior two posters have said. You will never get past this! I know, i was cheated on. I forgave her with all of my heart, but could not get past the hurt. Give it up. Now, sooner than later. Why prolong the agony? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Most will never change, only change their tactics. So he has abstained for a year? Big deal! That is just the lull period. Once he feels you are convinced, he will do it again, only in a diferent way, so as not to get caught again!

If this "man" loved you as much as he says, he would never have cheated in the first place! Cheaters love only themselves. True love is unconditional.

You sound like you will never get past this, even with therapy? So, why stay? There are men out there, men like myself, who would never do something like this to the one they loved. You too, can find such a man. Leave this selfish "man", boy, and never look back. You deserve so much better!

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Jerks like that, make it harder for us nice guys to find good ladies. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


Featuring Experts

Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist, who is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotio...More

Helpful Tips

Relationships and Coping Community recommended resourcesExpert
About a month ago, I asked the community here to suggest resources for finding a therapist. They suggested: Psychology Today's therapist ... More
Was this Helpful?
11 of 18 found this helpful

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems to the
Food and Drug Administration

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.