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Deal Breaker? Do I go?
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Anon_166687 posted:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We are both in our 30s. From the time I met him, I was very upfront that I would never wed nor have children. It isn't a maybe, it's a definite. He told me then that at one time he thought he would have marriage and a family, but learned he wanted to live his own life (he's a musician on the road now) and it wouldn't be fair to a child. I've always had this gut feeling that he wasn't positive he didn't want a family, and just recently that was confirmed for me. He told me in the middle of an argument that when we met he wanted kids and marriage but his mind changed after being with me. His mother just confided to me that he has in the past mentioned wanting kids. I'm wondering if it's time for me to go as I feel guilty that he is giving up something he truly wants for me. That's unfair, and in the long run, he'd resent me when he didn't have that family he realized to late he wanted. He's still away for a month, so I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for how I handle this/talk to him when he's back/if it's over/etc.
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fcl responded:
I think that there is a lot of turmoil in your head. Have you considered that his mother may have confided something to you that might not be true? It's not uncommon for MILs to want grandchildren ... I would take the information with a grain of salt.

What do you do? Well, obviously you talk to him about this and you don't make ANY decisions before talking to him.

May I ask you a question out of idle curiosity? Why are you against getting married? (I ask because I was in your shoes for many years )
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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helplessone22 replied to fcl's response:
Hi FCL,

Thanks for responding. No, his mother and I are EXTREMELY close. In fact, she told me I better do what I need to do in life, and if we were to not work out, it changes nothing between us. She could care less if she has grandchildren from my bf. She has other children anyway.

I've talked to him several times about not wanting children, and he's perfectly understanding of that. However, I'm still doubtful that it's what HE wants. He says it, but I think it's to please me/hang onto me. I don't know how to figure out if he's being honest or not.

I am STRICTLY against marriage. I think it is an incredibly outdated institution. I fear anything permanent: marriage, children, owning a home or new vehicle, etc. I'd rather be a serial monogamist where nothing is on paper, and therefore nothing is at stake. I just don't see the point of spending a ridiculous amount of money and having a look at us look at us ceremony to prove what we already know: we love each other. Why does that have to be on paper? Absolutely senseless.
 
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StacyVaughn responded:
IF in fact marriage and/or children are things he does want, sorry to say, you need to end things.. Like you said, it could lead to resenment and an inevitable breakup, prolonged. I completely understand why people don't want those commitments in life. More often than not, it's uncommon for people to stick to never starting to desire a family (not sayig it doesn't happen).
You do really just need to sit down and have a long talk with him. If we wanted children before he met you, and altered his wants to be with you (it's sweet) but unfair. Him trying to justify it by using his career as a musician is just that. Him trying to rationalize it. Stress to him the importance of his honesty. Set aside you and the relationship.

Best of luck!
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi, Helplessone

Wow, you do have some issues! However, you MUST let him be the one to say. And when he say's it, believe him. Why would he lie about that? With his career, he knows how difficult that would be. You can raise a child on the road, but it would never be easy. And marriage? If you don't feel the need for a piece of paper, he probably doesn't either? So, talk to him, and believe what he tells you, he loves you, he won't lie to you.

Good luck!
Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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