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    Anger Outburts
    Vburns8461 posted:
    I was involved with a man for for years. We were a couple.. He is 45 years old never been married and no children. I had a concern about that when I first started seeing him. He is/ was a very good guy in most ways. But...... When he would get upset or mad about something he would need time to cool off, not a normal time frame of calling off, it would be days, weeks, sometimes months. In the beginning of us dating, he got mad at me cause I did not tell people we were dating, when I really didn't know what we were doing , he hadn't kissed me, or acted like we were dating, we were friends and hung out a lot together , no intimacy, then once we were actually dating an a short time had went by he got mad cause he had been mad at me about something and I went to a neighbors party and he accused me of going there to be hooked up with some guy.... Then we worked through that, then he got mad that I wasn't ready for him to meet my mother. That time after he had bugged me about that for a while, he got mad and didn't talk to me for a few weeks, till I went to him and tried to talk.. So over a four year time span, he kept doing this, don't get me wrong he did a lot of really nice things also and had a lot of good attributes. But every time he would get upset about something he needed to walk away and cool off he said, some was trying to accept that about him, I called it his cave time, but it was always something else, didn't have to be major. He would fly off the handle at the smallest things. We are not together anymore, but I am hurting badly cause he blamed me for everything. He was never wrong, never sorry, never apologized, I couldn't ask him questions like how is your day, cause he worked a regular job and farmed , and if I asked him that between things, he would get mad and say ask me at the end of my day. Anyway we broke up for a long time, and then started tailing as friends, but then he would do things like hold my hand or kiss me, once in a while, but then he still got mad about little stuff and wouldn't talk to me for days. I always ended up going to talk to him. This last time, even though we were just friends, he was remodeling his bathroom and had no shower and he had worked till 930 pm and had been showering at his moms, so I offered to him that he could come to my house to shower and he blew up at me and said I was being disrespectful to his mother, offering that because what would she think cause she knows he cant shower at home, I replied I thought if your moon is like mine she us sleeping, I was trying to be thoughtful of his. On and he was yelling at me, and I replied your 45 years old so if you want to shower somewhere else, think your mom would know...he could have just nicely said thanks for the offer but my mom will worry or something if I don't show up but he went ballistic on me. I told him I felt he had anger issues and I did not deserve to be talked like that and I thought he needed to get some help with his anger issues. Have not heard from him, which is normal, but it hurts still that he thinks he is never wrong,.,,,,,,,
    dfromspencer responded:

    What you have just described, is a spoiled little "Mamma's Boy"! He has not, nor will he ever be held accountable for his actions. Momma spoiled that "boy"! YOU can never change him! Give it up, and stay away from him. One day, he will blow up on you, and possibly get very physical?

    You don't need his kind of drama, you have enough in your own life. Stay away from him. Good luck.

    Vburns8461 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Little more info on him, and I am not justifying his actions, just letting people know what h has been through in his life, he lost three brothers in a short time span to death, two to car accidents(separate incidents) and one of natural causes. -(cerebral palsy) I am not excusing him, but just he hasnt dealt with how those life event have affected him and his family and he has not healed over it and his family has allowed him to have these moments and enabled him, and so have I, I do realize..I am just hurting badly, cause I loved him for the good in him very much, and beleive he loved me but he has major issues, that he wont dea with and blames me for everything. I am in a major depression, an feel like I am suffering from post taumatic stress disorder.
    Vburns8461 responded:
    Also, when we had been dating like a year, after the newness was wearing off, I started to express some of my needs in the relationship, and I told him I liked to be told I looked nice from time to time, cause he never did that, and he told me that the only reason I needed to hear that was cause I was insecure.????
    fcl replied to Vburns8461's response:
    This is classic controlling behaviour. He had you walking on eggshells just in case he got mad. I'd say that you dodged a bullet. Who on earth would want to be with a guy who got his panties in a wad because you offered him the use of your shower? Good grief! How on earth did you put up with him for so long. You shouldn't be hurting over the blame because you are not the one to blame. You were the normal one. What kind of an adult has to walk away for days to cool off after imagined slights? What kind of an insensitive oaf doesn't understand that saying nice things to your gf occasionally is a good thing to do? Enjoy being single again!

    Also, please get help with your depression - a good therapist will be able to help you see that none of this is your fault.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Vburns8461 replied to fcl's response:
    Dont get me wrong, it was not all bad, there was a lot of wonderful things he did for me, gifts he gave me, little tokens of love, I got injured once and real sick, both times he took me to er, and stayed with me and then helped me afterwords with my work and chores on my farm and my business. But it was truly every six months give or take he walked out of my life to cool off and everysingle time it would be weeks or months, and every time excpet once did he come to me and try to talk, it was me the rest of the time. He would show up and help me with something and that was his way of saying he was sorry without ever having to say the words. I just want someone if there is a expert here, that can tell me how to heal over this, I am in counsleing, but does not seem to help. he placed all blame on me and accepts no responsibility for anything. there ha been so muchg emotional blame and hurt he has done to me, Please any input is appreciated. I could go into greater detail with all the things he has said and done in anger, but I think everyone understands. He is not and never would get physically abusive just emotional sometimes i think that is worse, cause the external bruises go away, but internally it is still in your heart and head. the words
    fcl replied to Vburns8461's response:
    If you are in counselling and it isn't helping I suggest you find another counsellor. Not everyone finds the right one for them first time.

    I think we all understand how you feel. I think that the day when you can say to yourself that if he wants to fume about details, if he wants to wallow in imagined wrongs, if he wants to ignore the fact that he is the only person in charge of his life then let him because it doesn't matter to you any more will be the first day of the rest of your life. When you finally realize (because you already know this but you haven't assimilated it yet) that he is the only person hurting himself and that you don't have to have that weight on your shoulders (because it isn't yors to carry) you will feel very much better, elated even. However, I have no idea of how to go about reaching that point other than concentrating on doing things for yourself.

    PS - I agree about the abuse. Ever heard:

    "Sticks and stones may break my bones
    but words can break my heart..."

    Wishing you well,

    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer replied to Vburns8461's response:
    Hi, Vburns

    Thanks for the more info. Still, it does not excuse him from his behavior. He may have given you the world, but what he really has given you, you don't deserve.

    I too, had a terrible thing happen to me, my mother was murdered when i was 18. My step father did it, and killed himself. I never grieved properly, and could not forgive. I became an angry young man. And a really bad alcoholic. I had to forgive my step father, in order for me to heal. Your ex will have to do that, also, if he ever expects to heal properly.

    I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. If he isn't working out, find another one. Please do not let your depression continue without help. I did, and it drove me crazy. Please find one that can help you.

    You can get over this. Stop worrying about him. Relax, and take it easy. Go to a day spa, get yourself pampered. Realize you cannot change him, or the past. Know that you can get better. It will get better.

    Good luck.

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