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How to be supportive?
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An_249083 posted:
Hello,
I understand the prayer...Let me accept the things I cannot change, but how does one continue to be supportive of a loved one when they are walking a slippery slope. My daughter is envolved in a relationship that is becoming abusive. She has a child with this young man. My husband and I have repeatedly supported them emotionally, physically (providing a place to live) and financially. The "second" chances have been used up and we are done. However, our daughter is not yet ready to walk away. We love her and want the best for her and our grand daughter. Where do we draw the line? I can no longer accept this young man into my home yet I do not want to allienate my daughter. Any advice?
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annony01 responded:
Personally if it were me, I'd continue to support her and be there for her.


Unfortunately at the end of the day it is her choice whether she remains with this guy or not. Which understandably is hard for you to see, especially when you know she (and your grandchild) need so much more than what this man can give them.
You can only continue to be there for her, and one day she may just have enough and leave and at least you will be there waiting for her to run to...the worst thing that can happen is one day she is severely hurt (emotionally or physically) and ends up with no one to turn to.


That said, you also have a right to lay down some rules. These people are adults (i assume?) and need to take responsibility for themselves. Is there any way you can support your daughter to move into a little unit (with her partner) saying that you are happy to support her but you feel they need to try things on their own? Maybe help financially with some aspects but try put the responsibility back on them to make ends meet for their little family. You have a right to say if it is getting to much for you, emotionally, physically and financially, and I'm sure your daughter will understand you want to help her but she also needs to try help herself?


As I said, i havent experienced this personally, but I know from people i work with (counselling) that theres a high chance of ruining the relationship if you are too tough, but you can't let people walk all over you, regardless of how much you care for them. All the best!
 
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fcl responded:
Personally, if anyone, ANYONE, laid a finger on either of my daughters (and I wouldn't care how much she loved him) I would have called the police. Maybe she thinks that abuse is "normal"?

Have you tried talking to her about what she is teaching her daughter? That violence is normal? That couples behave this way? That men treat women like this? How much is her daughter seeing? What would be her dealbreaker?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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StacyVaughn responded:
Well your guys first mistake was enabling the situation. You say it's become abusive. So why are you supporting them at all? Definitely do not provide them housing, money, or anything. If she wants to be with him, you need to let her experience what life is like with him. Not her being with him, while mommy and daddy are supporting them. That wont teach her anything. She may be angry, it will be hard. But the right thing isn't always the easiest thing. STOP SUPPORTING THEM. Once she doesn't have you guys making her relationship bare able, she'll get to experience how bad it really is, and will probably leave him.


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