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Dealing with your relationship and parents disapproval
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StacyVaughn posted:
Has anyone else had to deal with this? I've had a very traumatic day, with a some what happy ending. I'll start off by filling you in on my parents a little. I grew up really well, and very spoiled. But there has been so many bad experiences with in our family, it has driven a lot of us apart (such as sexual abuse). So needless to say, I've never particularly been close with my family, and definitely not my parents. Growing up I literally never got to go hang out with friends, like all the other kids my age. From 4th grade to 8th grade I had me friend that I was allowed to invite over, and sometimes go to her house. And even more rarely, we got to go to the movies or mall. When that relationship ended, I made a new friend. They hated her for a year until one day they decided she was great, and we were allowed to go to each others houses some what often. (In junior high school we use to count every time we got to hang out, cause it never happened, how sad is that? ) my mom excuse to not letting me hang out with people was always, they seem disturbed. Even though they never met them. When it came to boyfriends, I always did my best to keep it a secret. Other wise it would be all drama with my parents! One time my dad actually hacked my myspace account, cause I has been talking to this guy (that I ended up dating for a couple years.) it wasn't until I turned 18 that I was allowed to hang out with guys, dating or not. Even than, I've yet to ever bring a guy home to my parents. They always see the worst in any guy any of us girls have ever been with, and make a huge deal out of it. When my sister got married, and it was time for the father daughter dance, every ne cleared to floor, but my dad was no where around. They ended up having to look around the place for him, and he was sitting alone at the dessert table eating. When they said they were waiting on him for the dance, he made them wait till he was done.... Not five years later, he likes her husband. But he put them through he'll before that happened. My fiancé recently moved back in with his parents, temporarily. He had changed careers, and is now up and going on this new one. Doing something he actually enjoys. When he was with the last girl/baby mama she was extremely unsupportive, and not cared about him making a bunch of money. So once they split up, he pursued what he wanted. We found a place we wanted to move into, but than I got pregnant, and I was worried it would be too crowded. But with only one of us working right now, we were having trouble finding some where in budget to live, that was also bigger. Today his parents, after just moving in his middle brother, just also moved in his youngest brother and his wife, mind you there house is small and cluttered. Three bedroom, one bathroom. Pissed off that they would even think that it was ok, with little consideration to everyone else in the house + my finances two kids, I asked my mom if for just this one night I could watch the kids at their house, just for a few hours. To get away from all the stress. Long story short she said no. Basically said it was our problem, and she wasn't going to do anything that benefitted my fiancé and his kids. After a long discussion on it, she than told me that we were going to have to talk about my living situation. Currently I stay with my fiancé when he has the kids every other week, and with my parents the rest of the time. She told me that was no longer going to work. Either I break up with him, and they'll support me and the baby, get us our own place, etc. or I am out of their house and on my own. I forgot to mention his parents have five dogs and three cats and they don't clean. So I always get sick over here, and will definitely never allow my baby here. So if we weren't able to move out by the time the baby comes, I'd have no where to go... I magically found a house to rent that was taken, but the guy backed out at last minute. So I went and looked at it,
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StacyVaughn responded:
(Continuing) its in budget, so I claimed it. We can move in with in two weeks. I let my mom know that, and she almost acted disappointed. But claimed to be happy for me, if its what I wanted.

I really don't want to have a really crappy relationship with my parents again. It seemed like things were finally getting better. But after today, my feelings are really hurt. I can't believe they would ask me, right before I'm ready to have me and my finances baby, to choose between them or him. (And yes she did word it that way a couple of times). I feel like it was really unfair, no matter what the circumstances are.....

I really really need advice on this. Or some insight. Can't handle it!
 
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annony01 replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Hi there,


To be honest if i were you, I'd stick with your fiance. I mean you are engaged and having a baby for a reason right? You love each other and want to spend your future together right?


It sounds like your parents were quite controlling growing up, and still have that control over you. I know you dont want to ruin the relationship with your parents, but really they can't expect you to choose them over growing up and being with your baby and his or her daddy! They need to let go of the control.


So what do you do? Only you know the answer, but if it were me, i'd ask my fiance to move out together, make a start on your own. I mean you know you have a place to go if your parents wont have you there (although very crowded and dirty). It is hard when financially things are tight, but maybe your fiance and you need to bite the bullet and try find a nice little place for yourself. It doesnt have to be somewhere you have to stay for a long time, but can at least give you some breathing space.
It will be a given that your parents may be upset, but hopefully they will come around. What they are asking you to choose between (him or them) is just wrong!
Good luck with it
 
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StacyVaughn replied to annony01's response:
We did find a place that we wanted, but was taken, that was recently made available. We will be moved in about two weeks. Of course I choose my fianc? over all. I just now don't know how to be with my parents.. I feel really awkward and hurt towards them. Especially since I had to beat this information out of my mom over text, since they still hadn't say down to talk to me. It's like they've just been beating around the bush, and wanting to wait till last second.

There's the part of me saying, I'm never going to see them again! They will never be allowed to see their granddaughter! But on the other hand as I said, I've liked getting closer to them for once and don't want to give that up. But I've always had this problem of being too forgiving. So I'm not sure if they deserve for me to give them the time of day. Or if I need to go with forgiving them.
 
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fcl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Stacy, I'm going to say this again - stop thinking about others and concentrate on yourself and your baby. Focus on doing yourself good and feeling good about yourself and push all of the other thoughts out of your mind.

Also remember that you are highly hormonal right now and that adds another layer of extra sensitivity to all that you're going through. I'm not denying that the situation is tough ... just saying that it's not worth adding the stress to an already charged situation. Just remind yourself that what's done is done and can't be changed. Forgive and forget? Why not? Let it go - there are more important things in life
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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therichardhorton replied to StacyVaughn's response:
I went through a somewhat similar situation when my girl was preggers a few years ago, even arguably worse. However, you need to assess the situation and then make an educated decision. The main issues that stick out with me are less your parents and more your finances. I don't know how told you are, or your fiance. But one of you work, you are pregnant, and he already has two other kids, and he lives at home with his parents (you practically do too)...do you see where I am going with this? Sounds like irresponsible decisions were made, or you just weren't ready.

Also, you shouldn't blame his parents for letting his other siblings move in, how would that be fair to them to allow their brother sanctuary but not them? They are just being parents.

How far along are you? You may want to look for employment. I know it seems hard, but my fiance worked more hours than me when she was pregnant at a physically demanding job. I don't recommend that, but maybe look for something easy and part time to help pay the bills. If you can get out on your own now though, you should, its a good first step toward getting independence again. But be mindful of saving too, it seems in your situation that is equally important.

Your family situation is easy, if they are unsupportive, make them deal with it. It is their decision to be with your or not, and you have to let them do what's right or not, but don't let it affect decisions that you have to make for you.


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