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Can men be seeing a girl without being emotionally attached?
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KLopez posted:
I was recently seeing a guy that has been my friend for over six years. After being his good friend for over five years we crossed the friend boundary and kissed. We hung out often for a few weeks and began hooking up. He was honest to me from the start and told me that he doesn't want a relationship because he is moving across the country. We still hung out every once in a while until he moved. We kept in touch and after that summer we would hook up every time he came home for the holidays and go out for breakfast. This went on for about 9 months. He would bring up marriage and tell me that he loved me. Although, he was still hanging out and sleeping with many other girls while he was away on the east coast. Knowing that we are not dating, I still fell too hard and got attached because of the serious conversations we would have. I am the type of girl who has a hard time just hooking up with people without caring about them. Therefore, I was constantly upset hearing about him with other girls that I had finally reached my breaking point and realized I need to move on. We are only 21 years old and I thought I could wait for him to grow up, but it got too hard for me. After all this time, I want to know if guys really can hang out and sleep with girls without being emotionally attached and caring about them?? I don't understand it.
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi, KL

Yes. There are men out there like this. They can and will, have their sexual conquests. To many men, its an ego thing. How many can i lay? Some men want bragging rights. I don't pretend to understand them. I was never that way. Most men are not that way.

I am so glad you decided to move on. A guy like that, takes a long time to mature. I had an aquaintence like that. (Not a friend) Last i heard, he finally settled down. He is 45 now. Every time i was near him, all i heard was his sexual conquests. Nothing about love, except that he loved getting his. You did the right thing!

The right man for you, is out there! Good luck!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Yes, some men can (as can some women). These men can enjoy relationships, but don't get emotionally close. They approach sex in the same way. This way of relating to people keeps them safe from being vulnerable.

But remember, this does not describe all men by a long shot. So, I'm glad to hear you've decided to move on. Given that you really care for him, this can be difficult. But hopefully you will continue your search for a healthier, happier relationships. I wish you well!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Thanks Doc for including women into this mix too. There are people who just dont connect with people emotionally or if they can, the know how to turn it on and off. Like Dennis i am the complete opposite, i get attached. There are times I wish i was more like those people, just be able to hook up and move on with out caring. But thats not who i am and we cannot change who we are no matter how hard we try. Your young, you have your entire life ahead of you, enjoy it! You will find that special someone.

Best wishes,

IC
 
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rohvannyn replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
I was talking to a man once and he said that some guys need physical closeness and having sex was one of the only ways to get it. According to him it's emotionally safer to have a lot of one night stands to meet their needs for physical touch, than cuddle with friends, for example. Not to mention more approved by society.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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rick7 replied to rohvannyn's response:
There really is no clear answer to this question except for yes, men do have problems with getting emotionally involved, even men who are known to 'do the sex only thing'. (Example - Christian Grey in the sex novel "50 Shades of Grey") After she signed his agreement, his initial statement to Anastasia to her question, "I guess you'll now make love to me tonight?", was a typical player's response.. "I don't make love, I just F,,,." Despite this initial statement, Ana was able to eventually move him toward the emotional state that he had been successfully avoiding in his previous sexual involvements.

While I was in grad school it was popular for grad students - who spent most of the time studying, to hook up with someone they liked (mutual friendship attraction) and verbally agree to a social and/or sexually relationship with parameters that were agreeable to both. (The core of the agreement was "no emotional complications that would be destructive to either's educational goal, therefore 'no love — emotional - affair', just a mutual friendship that would take care of some social needs (Chat n Coffee) and sexual needs (sex on the go- no over-nights etc) (Sexually comment could be made, but without emotional or 'love' response intent such as a compliment"026 "that was great", or "I really enjoyed / needed / or appreciated that") Some have even excluded kissing, as an added precaution.

As a professional, I also observed these types of mutual agreements often work among highly driven, very ambitious men &women in the corporate and/or professional world (except they are difficult for two who are working at the same company or place of business.)

A major problem with most of these types of relationships is communication problems brought on by a lack of communications (with-holding information) or purposeful miscommunicating (deception).

However, these mutual types of social and sexual friendships can serve as short term mutual needs benefits for 'some people', if the purpose for their arrangement is greater than their social and/or sexual need.
 
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DmndLife1984 responded:
A lot of people get together where one of them wants/expects something, and the other has maybe the exact opposite on the mind. Feelings may end up hurt this way, even when people try and put together complicated arrangements they think will keep from disappointing/upsetting one another. There was an episode of Seinfeld dealing with that.

I want good sex with beautiful women like any other man, so I pay for it (where legal). This is a very honest arrangement, where I'll pick out the woman online from an agency, call and have her come to meet me where I'm staying, we agree to the terms, take care of business, then part ways. I always feel completely comfortable because nobody's feelings are being hurt, there are no other illusions whatsoever, and it's a thrill. It's a perfect example of both a man and a woman who can have sex without needing to care much about each other, which I didn't because they're professional, and I look forward to different women every next time.

I could spend a lot on books/DVDs that will teach me how to pick up any of you women out there, regardless of who you are, get you into bed, then have you bite my dust, but that's way too much effort, and drama, for my money. I don't like complicated arrangements, I don't like arguing, and I don't like hurt feelings. I'm not cheating on anybody in any of these cases because I'm very clear on the lifestyle I want to live, unlike Tiger Woods or someone else who gets married and has children when he clearly wants to lead a different lifestyle. I've never much thought of marriage/children, but if I came across a woman whom I started seeing as a girlfriend, she and I would have an intense sexual chemistry, and I wouldn't be interested in other women.

To answer your question, miss, guys can do that, but there are guys out there who would prefer to be honest and not hurt anyone either, however they go about it.
 
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Nativedancer2 responded:
Hey there...there are women and men out there that want just the physical relief of having sex...married or unmarried. In my neck of the woods(Id) it is mostly married and the cheaters web sites are making a profit. I have seen women who use guys just so they can brag about it and make themselves feel as if they have some sort of control in their lives. There is always a goal involved for them. Husband puts the roof over her head and makes the car payment and her lover's supply the sex...for some it is receiving presents...feeling special. For the guys it a bit different. They can be married and not getting getting what they want or cannot afford a divorce so they get on line and set up arrangements. Other just want as much sex as they can get and anything goes, just to be superficial. No emotional connection. It is however disturbing when your intimate with a person and they are fantasizing about another woman while having sex. I have never been comfortable with FWB situations. What I have wanted is communication and to do fun and exciting things together like skiing and whitewater, that is what turns me on and I love to be intimate with someone who can have an adventure with me. I do love being intimate and I love to orgasm but when it is a FWB their is no intimacy, romance or the desire to fly to Mars, make a couple of orbits and burn up on re-entry. It is just about the sex and the relief.
Communication is a key to everything. Sex, Pleasure, and Attention from the opposite sex is all we crave. Friends With Benefits was invented by man so they can have fun and not get involved with a committed relationship. If you are involved in a FWB arrangement and you are asking yourself, Is he using me for sex? Hell yes he is using you for sex. Get your head out of your posterior side! Some good advice about FWB which also can be used in everyday relationships would be if you are going to be in FWB arrangement you have to be honest with yourself, your partner, have rules, and communicate. However, If you begin to fall for your FWB and you decide to tell your partner, be prepared to lose your FWB status and possibly a friend.Enter a FWB arrangement only if you can agree to keep it a sexual relationship. If the two of you have mutual friends, you should agree to keep it a secret. If you feel you are becoming jealous, than you need to end your FWB agreement.Keep in mind that a FWB arrangement can work under the right circumstances. However, when you mix sex, pleasure, intimacy, romance, and feelings together, in the end someone is heartbroken. AND if you are a person that goes through life seeking the relief of an orgasm from multiple people then their might not be much to you and most anyone could walk across your waters and not get the hem of their pants wet.
I have experienced many things in my life from what it feels like to be a FWB, to having an unfaithful husband,to learning what it takes to be complete and happy. Work on completing yourself and being happy with who you are as a human being before thinking you need someone else to complete your life. Expectations are the greatest source of disappointments, in ourselves and others. We are in intelligent, capable human beings that are far past our knuckle dragging days. We make choices based on our own self esteem. We are responsible for our choices and the positive and negative effects they have. Mostly we need to learn to be positive towards ourselves and provide that enviroment within which to grow.
 
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Nativedancer2 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
Your level of honesty is fantastic. I agree with several of your points and disagree with others, but that is what great conversation is about. Most men that are out there doing these thing's don't really care as they will just "dump" the situation and move on believing that time will be the "janitor" of the situation. I do my absolute best to live the adventure that is my life. I am not an everyday Jane but one that runs a farm and can go from chainsaw to backhoe to jumping off a raft in the middle of a river to landing on a snow covered peak and screamin thru the powder. Be happy.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Nativedancer2's response:
I'm surprised I even made several points in there, but you're the one with the backhoe experience, making you even more knowledgable on "dumping" than others may be. If I still lived far north of Montana, I might be doing daily what you mentioned about in the rivers and mountains, though my interest these days in "big work machines" like tractors (I rode in one then) and backhoes, has taken a backseat to my interest in Corvettes (no pun intended, as a 'vette doesn't even have a backseat).
 
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Nativedancer2 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
I basically said what some of my male friends have said about "dumping", just repeating what I found to be an interesting point of view. The backhoe is used around the farm for all Iintended purposes...please look on fb riverwindorganicfarm@yahoo.com for fun details. My favorite Corvette is a 1969 Stingray L-89 convertable which basically is. V-8 427 with overhead valves, came standard from factory with a Holley four banger. Duntov, Zora was a genius in camshaft design. Montana is beautiful...I grew up in McCall doing what my dad and brother did and loved every moment...and I carry on because I loved them. I even work at a local ski recreation area during the winter because snown and skiing are heaven to me.I challenged friends down the.Carbarton stretch of the Payette this summer and had fun doing flips out of the raft...happy holidays!
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Nativedancer2's response:
I don't use Facebook, so I'll find another way to check it out, thanks. You know much more about 'vettes than I do, though all I claim to know is that I'm a highly skilled driver (recently pulled a bootlegger's brake in a company Mercedes that saved me from being crushed) and I want one, a C5. Also, I appreciate your reminding me through your stories that I'm not nearly as active yet as I plan on being in life. Still, our semi-regular war games in a patch of woods only I know about take us to our physical limits, i.e., you think you might throw up from pushing yourself further, but winning is what you do. Happy Holidays also to you.

PS: For the actual discussion here, when there were none of my war games in the woods I mentioned, I'd take a woman there, maybe to the great view of the water, in the springtime or summertime, with one of those sundresses she could just pull on and off, and a wide blanket. It might not have her convinced I'm emotionally attached, but it might be a start.
Sorry, forgot my pen.
 
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Nativedancer2 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
As I said I grew up following my dad and brother. I chased them down mountains and thru powder, spincasting and fly fishing, loved my dads Savage side by side. He taught me to play chess, to operate a chainsaw and how to sail. I love cars and engines.l learned to hear hear the engine and the carb...In highschool I was on the hot road club, raced downhill and slalom. I used to road rally a Triumph Spitfire...and spent 7 years on a pit crew before becoming a surgical nurse for 13 years before I left. Now I use my skill at growing things and building( pretty good with a 22oz framing hammer) and I did a stint for 3 years as a lingerie model, but im not a city girl and wasnt politically correct, but now im just being happy growing things. If you make it onto fb and the garden site. My personal fb is also there...just look for Cousin It.
 
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Nativedancer2 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
Amazing! very few know how to do a bootleggers turn...I prefer to decelerate at entry of the turn and punch it at the apex...suspension has be right and no sway. My father taught me many things...spincast/fly fishing...chess...how to sail a 32ft Columbia(he was a Navy man)how to operate a 21" chainsaw and how to build things. My brother taught me how to met every challenge...my favorite memory is camping and fishing in the primative area...I am still good with a 24oz framing hammer...I rebuild or fix most anything...have my own shop...I was in the hot rod club, did ski racing in HS, studied chemistry..microbiology and was a surgical nurse(also worked other areas) for 13 yrs before leaving...had studied architecture and built my own home but decided I didnt like all the external issues...and went into nursing...needed my head examined for that one...did a 2yr stint as a lingerie model...but didnt like the politics much...so now I work using my hands and fixing things and enjoy being happy. My ear for machinery works well for me. Ok...enough about all that. If you do find that fb page look for Cousin It on the friends section. I hope wherever you are that you have a great and happy holiday. It snowed all last night here so I awoke to glistening mountains...the sunlight was blazing...and the woodducks, widgen and mallards were talking up a storm. Watching football today. I will sign off for now...be happy.



Oh by the way...when I worked in the OR I was asked by a dr if I wanted to "play"...I said "play what...a game of chess?" He explained what he meant and I said "No" he asked if I was a lesbian( I had 3 boys at the time)...I told him I was not but if he was the alternative choice I would gladly convert...I just didnt want to be on his long list and all the nurses and staff made jokes about him and his affairs...needless to say I lost my job the next day on his team. I am pretty (Creek Indian and Scottish/Saxon ancestory)...interesting cross...long honey blond hair witb streaks of auburn and brown green eyesbut I guess that attention never made me feel pretty.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Nativedancer2's response:
Thanks for reminding me of your life up to this point, and I did find your Facebook page. Could you tell?
Unlike yourself, I don't think I could recreate my bootlegger's brake on command, as it was all instinct at that moment, leaving me shaking with adrenaline in the backstreet where I'd gone to take cover, and laughing uncontrollably at how I should've been dead rather than left someone else's out-of-control situation behind me without a single human injury or bit of property damage.

Back to this thread, that experience with the doctor sounds ultimately like a positive one to me. Unlike what KLopez has unfortunately gone through, you were able to notice the signs of the type of person she was talking about, and save yourself some grief by keeping your distance.

On converting to lesbianism, you're not the first woman I've heard consider that lately. Sharon Stone's one of my favorite women, and she talked about considering that because of how she viewed most men as wimpy compared to those not too long ago.

Back to you, I'm glad you specified "honey blonde," though I also like "dishwater blonde" for that color hair, so I don't get you confused with any "platinum" or "bottle" blondes I've met.

You be happy too.
Sorry, forgot my pen.


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