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unfinished business (please, don't ask me to post elsewhere because of my mental health)
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DmndLife1984 posted:
I unexpectedly met a couple women online 4 years ago (I don't mean dating websites) who meant a lot to me without my knowing. This was a time in my life where I wasn't able to connect with people, but now that I've been so much more stable for such a long time, I can't track either of them down. It's a lost cause with how much I've tried. Years ago each seemed to want me to make a serious move, made themselves vulnerable, in which case I'd had to make a tough decision. Now I'll never know; getting in touch with either may've led to nothing, and I'm willing to bet I was completely wrong just the same, as I've never had a girlfriend over 15 years of straight rejection.


I'm a single solitary man in a room I rent from a friend at a more than reasonable rate. On weekdays I wake up, work a blue collar job that I love, stop at the supermarket on my way home, make dinner, watch something on Netflix I can both enjoy and learn from (usually movies and shows from yesteryear), take time for sexual activity, and go to sleep. I've been working on my book for the past 2 years as well, which will take me a few more years to finish, and I devote my spare time to that, whether studying websites/books for research, or the writing itself. I don't have a car, so I walk everywhere, sometimes 10+ miles if necessary, no matter the weather, which is both because it's good physical activity and I really like doing it. My brother and I, and sometimes 1 or 2 others, play war games in a patch of woods only I know about for much more intense workout. On weekends I occasionally visit family a couple cities over. In short, I live a simple life that at least some people would tell me is boring. I don't have a college degree, and I don't have plans at this time to finish it, both because of how much money I'd have to spend with no guarantee of a job, and I'm much smarter than most who do have a degree anyway, even many who've gone so far as a doctorate.


Furthermore, I'm in my late 20s, lived in 4 countries, traveled through 12 overall, and while I'm no longer fluent in 2 of the 3 languages I was when I was a kid, I can probably get by in 4 or 5. I figured out 3 years ago (when I'd lost/hurt? these women), after 8 years of struggle, that I have bipolar disorder, specifically type II. Since figuring it out, when the Ivy League-educated doctors didn't no less, I've dedicated myself to the proper treatment. I'd never done anything too stupid over those 8 years anyway, but anyone who learns from me that I have bipolar II, especially after a couple years or so of knowing me, is surprised because the people they know with bipolar disorder seem to be potentially violent substance abusers who can't keep a job and may be in and out of jail. If the conversation calls for it, I also mention how over 8 years ago I'd tried to kill myself.


I do love my independence. Every cent I earn is mine because I don't have a family, wife, or girlfriend; don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't go for beers every weekend (I prefer the harder stuff, on a rare basis), don't drink daily coffee, don't play the lottery, and don't use a cellphone or landline. I save thousands of dollars a year as a result, and if I put my mind to it like I do everything else, I'll get that C5 Corvette. So far though I've taken myself through fast-paced adventures, back in Europe for example, involving some laughs with different interesting people and enjoying what they have to say, wonderful food, hotel rooms with incredible views through panoramic windows rather than slumming it with the hostel crowd, and delicate knocks on my door each evening from stunning call girls.


Life is better and instead I've met absolutely nobody. I might hate a relationship, but I can't help being curious, especially because I'd rather not sit here like a loser stuck in the past.
Reply
 
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fcl responded:
" I'd rather not sit here like a loser stuck in the past."

I don't see you like that - rather someone who is satisfied with their life. What's wrong with that?

OK, so we now know what you don't want. What exactly is it that you do want?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to fcl's response:
I don't know. The impression I was trying to give about my life isn't that I'm so satisfied, but that it's both much better than it was, and more importantly, very limited. It needs to be limited right now though, I can tell you that.

I don't want to get back into music, as despite how much money I was bringing in, I'd absolutely hated every second of it. The last time I'd enjoyed it was maybe 12 years ago, in high school. A couple months ago, my landlord/friend suggested I pick my instrument up again. He was in a hurry to leave, so I wasn't able to tell him I'd taken my instrument to a high local bridge a few months before then and let it fall off the side into the ocean water. Like with anything else in life, I don't regret it.

I hate that I had opportunities years ago, but I was so low, and now that I'm in a much better position, I get no opportunities. Maybe it would be nice to try and connect with a woman, though you can forget about online, as my landlord/friend has lost almost all usefulness to me lately, his boyfriend wants to just prattle on about his own luxury problems, my brother puts himself under constant stress and losing his own usefulness to me as a result, and there's nothing I can do to help/connect with any of these people because they're so self-obsessed.

Something's got to give, which is why I made myself miserable foolishly trying to look up a woman, whose support I remember was unique in how it was comforting, from a time in my life years ago when I was too self-obsessed myself. I need a replacement or two for some things in my life, I need them to bite the dust, but there's not an easy answer in sight.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
PS: I did meet someone several months ago, who seemed like she might've wanted me to make a move. I remember telling myself I needed to do this because of the mistakes I'd made with those other women in the past, the ones I mentioned above.

This just turned out the latest rejection of 15 years worth of rejections, which I wasn't too surprised at either, and my point here is I don't want what I can't get, I want what I'd already had!
 
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dfromspencer replied to DmndLife1984's response:
Wow, and i thought i was lonely? You are both, lonely, and desperate. Your life is not all that bad. You can attract a woman, if you really wanted to. As you have said, you have lots of intelligence, and money, so take a woman on a trip. Show her your world. Who knows what may happen?

I am sorry you lost contact with those other two women. Just remember, there are many more fish in the sea.

Best of luck to you!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I do appreciate that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It can be an exciting thought that I don't mind being reminded of, thank you. However, an actual desperate person goes to the train station near where I live to open his wallet to a street-walking transsexual in one of the back alleys.

Anyway, what in what I wrote tells you I could attract a woman if I really wanted to? How do you get that from 15 years of rejection? I'm asking seriously.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to dfromspencer's response:
PS:
It's not so much wanting a girlfriend, which I'm very sure my lifestyle can't accommodate these days. It's that it would be nice to've been considered as someone good enough over the past 15 years.

Trying to reach out to those women was about my wanting to get some confirmation on that. I can enjoy my life with the job I love, and the independence, and the money, and the travels, and the sex, but having no confirmation over 15 years that any girl/woman ever really liked me is such a powerful ego/self-esteem buster. I thought maybe either of those women could tell me I was wrong.

Understood?
 
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Lefty2121 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
Best of luck in your search! What was so special about these women that you can not find in future potential mates?
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Lefty2121's response:
I'd met those women when I was at my worst health-wise, not having known there was a problem. Now that I do know, and have known for a few years, I've lived a stable life, and ironically no opportunities have come along, much less women who remind me of the way they were.

It's the irony of it: sick=opportunities, healthy=none. Despite my current lifestyle, and how there's a lot of enjoyment in it for me, I'm still curious about a relationship.

Also, any anger I've had about having had no girlfriend over 15 years isn't so much that I haven't had one, but that nobody thought I was good enough. If I knew there'd been women out there who for sure had thought I was good enough, I wouldn't feel as angry about it I believe.
Sorry, forgot my pen.
 
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Lefty2121 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
Do not sell your self short! You have a lot to offer I am sure, from reading your post I find you very intriguing and articulate. You know what you want and go for it. What about friends that could introduce you to other single friends or better yet friends that could become more than friends down the road.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Lefty2121's response:
Thanks, before I move on, and there's one old friend I've been more or less in touch with only recently, but I haven't known her since we were in elementary school. She's very far away though, grew up to be gorgeous, and so this is all romantic notions on my part, nothing realistic. Most of my friends are far away, and often run in circles that have nothing to do with me anyway.

Closer to home though, my best friend's gay, so for years we've never been in the habit of going to meet people, speaking of running in different circles. Not like I've given up though...
Sorry, forgot my pen.


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