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    I don't believe in talking things over
    DmndLife1984 posted:
    I don't believe in talking things over because I think it's lame, turns whoever wants to do it into a nag, and accomplishes nothing.

    In Heat Robert De Niro quoted someone as saying, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." That's how I've come to live my life over the years, which has helped me make difficult decisions that others I've known haven't had the guts to.

    Still, as one example, this is what fuels resentment of my landlord and friend of almost 9 years. There's nothing wrong on the landlord end as I pay my rent, but for so long now I haven't been able to stand him. Whenever we do run into each other, which isn't often these days anyway because of both our schedules, I avoid him. I don't hate his guts, but after 9 years of friendship, including a couple years of my own resentment, it's very easy for me to ask myself what the point is, and to avoid him.

    I imagine this is how I'd be with a girlfriend as well, as one thing I hate probably more than anything else is arguing, which is what talking something over is, polite arguing. Some things I believe need to be completely obvious to people, and if they're not, and we're finding ourselves in a situation where we need to "talk it over," then the relationship's probably been doomed from the start anyway.
    fcl responded:
    Talking something over is not arguing - in fact, it's the very opposite. Talkng things over means sitting down like a couple of adults and each giving their point of view. It's an exchange of opinions, if you will. Generally speaking, this helps to come to a joint decision.

    Being able to talk things over means that you respect each other and have good communication. Respect and communication (and trust) are necessary to a good relationship.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    DmndLife1984 replied to fcl's response:
    I already understand this, on paper. So why doesn't it ever work?
    dfromspencer replied to DmndLife1984's response:
    Are you open enough to let it work? You sound like a closed book, here? Talking to someone is an arguement? No, talking things out is productive in an relationship. We are humans, and talking is in our nature. I don't really have the gift of gab, but i am working on that. I would like to find someone to share my life with, like you. Communication is one very important part of any relationship.

    I hope you find someone you are completely comfortable with. Conversation should come easily?

    Good luck!


    P.S. Is your problem with your landlord due to his being gay? You did say something about his "Boyfriend"?
    DmndLife1984 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    I don't have much time now, but I'm not sure why you'd jump from "his landlord/friend is gay" to "his problem with him might be because he's gay." I'm not going to respond to that.

    Instead, I'll agree with you on the "closed book" label, and that I'm probably not open enough to let talking something out with someone else work. Both people have to be open enough though, and I hear a lot of people say they are, especially in support groups like this one, but I wonder how many of them really are, and how much that reflects the rest of the world.

    I believe the minute you sit down to talk something over with someone, they've automatically lost a significant amount of respect for you. I've actually found myself doing that a bit myself. What reason do I have not to believe that? I've heard the cliched stuff out of pamphlets before. Anyone have any actual day-to-day success stories that could blow my mind instead?
    rohvannyn replied to DmndLife1984's response:
    My marriage wouldn't survive without talking things over. Period. How in the world are both people in the relationship supposed to solve anything without communication?

    Something bad happens between my spouse and I, we each state our positions and work on understanding the other. It's understood that we both want to solve the problem and that we have enough respect to listen to each other and try to work together. Sometimes the conversation isn't easy. But it's always worthwhile. Honesty is important, as is the intent to communicate rather than just complain. It does take a certain amount of openness on both sides.

    If someone did something that hurt me, then refused to explain and just walked off, then I would have no way to understand the reason for their action. I would just give up on them and walk away. If they told me the reason behind it, I might have a chance of understanding or at least finding a solution.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    DmndLife1984 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    I'm good at giving up and walking away because for most of my life, I've had only myself to solve my own problems, and help myself feel better. I couldn't trust the people I needed to trust for most of my life, so I don't know how to give someone else credit for possibly being reasonable and open to working something out.

    What has worked for me in the past is making threats, and following through on them. When I first lived with my landlord/friend, he really rubbed me the wrong way until I wasn't willing to take anymore. I told him I was considering moving out, he told me I was free to and that he was sorry, and then I did move out.

    After several months however, he asked me to come back, I agreed to, and we had an amicable reunion. That was around a year ago. We never talked it over however, he just seemed to have gotten and was really affected by my point. Since then, we've had no issues about living together (my issues with him are separate now) because I feel he'd been put in his place.

    This is only one example, and a tame one, of my non-communicative style, for your comments.

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