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Son not speaking to Mother
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Anon_204698 posted:
Here is my story: I am a single mother of three adult children. The oldest and youngest are female and my son falls in the middle. There ages are 31, 26 and 20. While I have always had a good relationship with all my children, lately I have been having a problem communicating with my son. I first need to give a little background. My son moved out when he was 19. After my oldest daughter moved to SF about six years ago, I followed. I moved from the LA area to SF with my youngest daughter to really save her from herself. She was cutting due to some unresolved issues with her father and I needed to remove her from the painful reality of his neglect. My son seemed to understand. His father and the rest of the family live in the area and so I did what I thought I needed to do, even though I cried myself to sleep for months after leaving. It is still hard. So recently I decided I would like to return to the surrounding area and excitedly told my son so. His response was less than I hoped. I told him how great it would be we would be so close and able to see each other and the family and his response shocked me. He said " we will never be close like that again". And other than my birthday and Mothers Day will not answer my texts or calls. I am dumbfounded! We have always been close and this hurt me too the core. I still call and text even though he doesn't answer, but I am at a loss as to how resolve this situation. I love him so much and I have never dealt with this type for behavior before. Anybody have any advise? Is it middle child syndrome his age both? We have always been very close and this is heartbreaking!
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Lefty2121 responded:
Are you on better terms with your son? I really hope this work out for both of you!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
In reading your post, I can understand how this would be incredibly hurtful- and I'm sorry for your pain; but I'm also a bit confused. I assume that you had the problem of him not returning your texts or calls before you brought up the idea of moving back. So, I'm wondering whether you had talked with him about this - and why you are so shocked now, only after him telling you that he doesn't want to be close. If he only stopped returning calls and texts after you said you wanted to move back, I'm really confused about how this conversation alone could have changed things.
In any case, in situations like yours, the best people can do is reach out and say they want to hear about what's upsetting the other person. Opening communication is essential. Sometimes, though, the only way to get that kind of communication going is by doing this face-to-face.
 
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An_251552 responded:
My mom and I have not spoken since july of last year even in text. she told me herself to forget her that I rather never see her again because of that favor she asked that I wasnt able to do.
like what Dr Becker-Phelps said you should go see him face to face. good luck
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I can't believe this was posted two years ago? There have been times when I send in a post, or answer, that Web put it at posted 13 hours ago, when I just sent it?

So. If I were you, I would go to his house and confront him on this. He may be under the impression that you abandoned him? Or, that you left him for his sisters? Either way, he probably feels hurt?

You have to make him understand that you did this for the youngest ones sake. And that it hurt so bad to leave him, but you had to!

Hope that helps, a little!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_251552's response:
That is such a shame! That any mother could hold a grudge against her child, is beyond me! And for a favor that was impossible to accomplish? No, something else is wrong here, I think?

You should take your own advice, and go see your mother. Don't forget, she is the only mother you will ever have.

I lost mine when I was 18, don't lose yours!

Good luck!!!
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_251552 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I lost mine when I was four when she left.
when we saw each other again I was 14 and I dont feel any familiar mother-daughter thingy, just fading memories.
she got married have two kids. I was the bastard. so can you picture the rest?
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_251552's response:
Yes, I can picture the rest.

Make new memories together, at least try.

She is the only mother you will ever have, no matter how she treated you. Maybe you can find forgiveness in you heart?
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_251552 replied to dfromspencer's response:
that is not easy. there is a very strong feeling that holds me back. I cannot find forgiveness in me. I who was not able to receive love from her will not be able to give one.
she my own mum treated me like a trash have the guts to act like this
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_251552's response:
While its true, you cannot change the past, you can shape your future. Holding on to that anger, and bitterness will only hurt you. You have to let it go. You have to be strong. For yourself, if for no other.

I held on to my anger and bitterness for so many years. It turned me into another person. Hate consumed me, anger ruled my life. I tried to drink myself to death, the drugs, the whole nine yards. I would pick fights with guys twice my size, hoping one would kill me, and put me out of my misery.

I found out later, that I needed to empathize with, and forgive my mothers murderer. Once I did that, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I feel alive once again. You should try that with your mother, empathize with her. See if you can feel what she felt, when she left you? Can you see why she did what she did? Who knows, maybe you would have done the same thing, if it had been you, instead of your mother???

You can forgive someone, you will never forget. But you can be happy, and free of that anger, and resentment. I hope you find it in your heart, to forgive your mother. By doing so, it will release you.

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_251552 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I hate my mother enough to erase her in my life. she disowned and tells me before that I dont belong in their home. she never said sorry for everything. shes not sorry that she left me or explained to me why I dont have father, why she's more in favor with her two daughter, and for humiliating me from other people. she loves to put on a show when there are other people around. I lived with he for seven years when I was 14 and you cant imagine how i feel horrible for myself I hoped for death to end all my pain, I'm holding on a very thin strand of hope the my life with change. I prayed even I think HE does not exist but at least I need to believe that Someone beyond anyone else is there to listen and help me. now I'm on my own and I am free.
 
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An_251552 replied to An_251552's response:
lol my typo is terrible. sorry i work on night shifts and i am very sleepy its so hot in the morning I cant sleep well
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_251552's response:
Wow, An_251552, I can totally understand how you feel! If someone treated me like that, I would want her gone from my life too. I hope you can stay clear of her, and live on your own, and be free of that poison. Surround yourself with people who treat you right. I hope nobody else treats you that badly. Remember, your best revenge is living well, secure in the knowledge that you are getting better, and she still has to live with herself. I have a hard time sleeping in the mornings too. What helps me is a fan and small doses of melatonin, as well as good curtains.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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An_251552 replied to rohvannyn's response:
thanks roh, I dont know what will happen if i meet her again because when she told me that she doesnt want any contact from me, I did so and I was happy (lol i thought im so bad to think that way)
when I was living with my mom, she barely provided me of my needs what more on the stuff that I want? of course I get scloded and complain that she doesnt have any money to spend for me.
I have a horrible teenage life I dont have friends in the neigborhood, I didnt know how to interact with people I was a total freak it lessens a bit now I guess.
I really think we are working on the same company but different program and probably offshore too?
what department are you in?
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_251552's response:
Anont's rough to have a mother that treats their child that way. Now that you are an adult you don't have to put up with other adults who treat you terribly. It sounds like your mother could have done a better job, so maybe you are better parted. It's not bad to want to be away from people who are mean to you. I may be repeating myself here, but it is so common that people forget this, or start feeling guilty because they think they owe their parents something. You may owe your parent a certain amount of respect, but they owe you kind treatment and respect in return.

I can't give the name of my company, of course, but I'm an onshore rep and I basically do pharmacy work all day. I take orders and research coverage, things like that. I'm a step below pharmacy tech. Hope you have a good shift!
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ


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