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Mindless Self Indulgence... Because I Think I'm Interesting
An_215640 posted:
Where to begin? It's been such a long journey, yet I can remember every second. It's all been leading up to today... the most frightening realization of my life. I'm schizophrenic.

I re-read that and feel like a fool. Yet another self diagnosed hypochondriac who wants to feel special. The only thing that's wrong w/ that sentiment is... WHO WOULD WANT THIS!?!

For almost 10 years I have been trying to discover what is wrong with me. I KNOW something is wrong with me. The older I get... the more I believe.

Screw it, if I can't indulge myself here where can I? So here is the trip... all 4000 characters of it.

When I was young I didn't play with other children. I didn't need to. I was content playing my 45s on my Fisher Price record player, drawing, reading... by myself.

My stepfather's mother voiced her concern then. Stating something to the effect of, "that's not normal." My mother saw I was content... so why change it? Besides... I'm just a kid... they're all different right?

What makes me laugh is I am described as an angel at this time. I did what I was told. I behaved like a little gentleman. Never caused a problem. Just a perfect, cute little boy. Today I laugh and wonder what happened to that little boy... because he grew into something very different.

Elementary School
I didn't have a lot of friends in elementary school. I don't remember having a real friend until around 5th grade. I just focused on school and my own devices. Video games, reading, writing, music.

I didn't go to kindergarten. My birthday fell at an odd time so I wasn't 5 until after the school year began. When the next year came, I was tested and allowed to enter 1st grade (yeah... exactly how smart do you need to be to do that? Spell your name?)

I have one memory that I still find humorous. It was during play time (or whatever) where I got to paint. At the time, I liked to draw houses. A couple squares and a roof with a yellow sun shining on it. Inside each cube of my 6 room house? Two people. One killing the other. Guns. Knives. Rope. Blood everywhere. I was proud of it. I remember thinking the red was pretty.

My 1st grade teacher didn't share the sentiment and called my parents. Who... per usual... didn't think anything of it. Nothing wrong with our boy. Just a kid being a kid.

High School
Armed with my one friend Tony, I entered high school. Found drugs in 9th grade. Smoked pot first as it was easier to get. Then alcohol. Then acid. Later XTC and even later cocaine. And I didn't just experiment... they were a great escape... and something I could do alone. Get absorbed into my own world.

It was during this time that I first learned of my power. I was invincible. I did drugs at school, acted like a freak, and never busted. So I pushed it further. I was / am your classic womanizer. I thought I was just a normal hormonal teenager... but at 30 and talking to others... having had sex with several girls before 18 isn't as typical as I first thought.

I enjoyed the control. I was a sly, sliver tongued charmer who could corrupt even the most innocent of the flock. And I reveled in it. No one could resist... well... not those I chose anyway. And later I found I could have had more... but who hasn't.

So high school was great. Though I never hung out w/ anyone but one of three people... I had a strange popularity. Everyone knew me. Girls crushed on me. Guys respected me and wanted to be around me. I was "the man." Weird... as now I think I was just in my own world. Regardless..... it was great.

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I was originally diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic at age 14 but it has subsequently been amended to bi polar schizoaffective disorder which is much...More

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