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Mindless Self Indulgence... Part 2 (oh the narcissim)
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An_215641 posted:
I enjoyed theater.. and was pretty good at it. But that's BS too I'm sure. But if I believe what I remember, I was a future Oscar recipient at a young age. What I do remember is, when I stepped out on stage... I was no longer of this world. I was somewhere else. A place where I knew what was coming next (of course it is scripted) And, being the lead... I was the center... God.

It was also at this time that I began embezzling. That was a new drug. I literally stole thousands in cash and merchandise from the CD chain I worked for. I had a crew. We all worked together. But I was the kingpin. I was the only one w/ the balls (stupidity) to take the big risks and clip $300+ a night from the register. For a 16-17 year old... not too bad.

Caught? Never! Was even able to orchestrate a frame. A newbie came in, less than intelligent, easy to manipulate, but too caught up in himself to realize. I started the ball rolling... my manager picked it up and soon all the strange things happening around the store had an explanation.

And I knew it was time to go. And I did. Clean.

College
This is when I noticed something was wrong with me. Being at a big school it was easy to shrink into the background. And I did. I hated it. I was isolated, but disgusted at what I saw around me.

I imagine it's because I hated how easy it was for them all. Easy to be around each other. Play. I couldn't do that. I wasn't like them. I didn't want to be like them.

So... I spent 4 years in hell and never understood why they called it "Happy Valley"

My Career

Yes... even I'm tiring of this story at this point. But I'll keep going... it has a purpose I promise. It's the only way you'll believe me.

I began work... blah blah... Life was pretty boring. Still womanizing the best I knew how, though the caliber decreased precipitously. Ladies that aren't "classically beautiful" are great targets. Back to God status.

Christ... even at the longest job I held for 3 years I played the whole place. The partners thought I liked them... they were scum... I told everyone and they respected me for it. Had two the last "pretties" I would have there while they both worked there. Managed neither knew of the other... and I was engaged w/ a child on the way (which was later miscarried)

Around this time my mother had serious back surgery. I wasn't so concerned about that as I was the painkillers. Lovely lovely painkillers. I didn't event try to hide the fact I was stealing them... and per usual... denial allowed for it happen. Once my mother got upset... but... what did I care? Be pissed. What are you going to do?

So... the drugs ran out... and now I find myself closer to today.

For a bit I thought I was a sociopath. I later found that this was wishful thinking. What I thought I was is very different from the reality. The notion I was a charming individual was shattered when I was confronted with the fact that I wasn't by my latest girlfriend and her family.

Apparently I'm a pathetic shell of a man who acts like a child and is awkward in any social situation. Luckily, I don't care for any of them. But, for some reason, I care about the one I'm with enough to try to make things right with them. Even though they know I've totally messed with their daughter's head. Was even abusive once... though I don't remember how it started. I just went black and when I came back she was bleeding from the nose.

It's weird... push me.... corner me... and I'm vicious. I didn't think that was in me.
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