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    Can't take it anymore
    frybry posted:
    I don't know about anything anymore,what am i here for to be ridiculed,made fun of,to feel like i have no one.
    I don't even know if i'm really even doing this right now or if this is just part of a nightmare that won't go away!!I feel like no i am just so over feeling like there is nothing for me here anymore,i haven't left my house for over 2 yrs now excetp to go to court 4times,see 2 doctors,I can't bring myself to go out anywhere anymore,it's like i don't even exsist anymore,i have no friends now,i barley talk to my family and i live with them,it's like i am alone all the time wondering why i am even here,I constantly think about death and how i wish i were dead,i've tried several times to take it but i just can't die no matter what i try and i have tried so many ways for yrs now just too wake up again,I hate this place the pain,the disgust of this world in which i live,murder,rape,child predetors,i know i am in HELL and this is why these things are allowed to happen here,If there is really a Hell or God for that matter and if there is He does not come here or he just does not care,the voices i hear are sometimes just a whisper of my name other times they are screams of pain and hatred,i see blood and death always i can't sleep because of the evil that comes in the darkness,I lay awke for days at a time fearing sleep will bring the horror i see,I trust no one anymore they all want me gone or just to use me for something,following me always following me they spy on me,They probably are reading this as i write it,I know they watch me always they listen to my conversations,tail me if i do go out,survail my house with there devices wanting to know what i do and think,But i know they are watching so i watch them.............I can't think anymore my mind is just a jumble of thoughts words sights i don't know what to beleive is this real or just another dream......................why can't i just die thats all i want ......I hate this place in which i am trapped........i can't go outside i can bearly come out of my room anymore,i can't and don't even go food shopping or for that matter take a piss in my bathroom if someone is here,I'l just go in a bottle ........does anyone feel like this??????
    larsstarscanary responded:
    Before I went into various types of therapy, I felt like crap continuously. Is there any way you can start getting regular therapy?

    I had no friends and no family to speak of--My therapist therefore started seeing me twice a week, to give me structure. I was afraid to go outside. I was afraid of day and hated to see night go away. I was afraid to get out of my safe haven, the bed. I was afraid to watch the tv or listen to the radio because of my hallucinations/delusions. For the longest, I couldn't cook for myself. I coudn't do laundry--I had at least 25 loads to do, probably more. I'd gone from being an over achiever to a non functioning mess. I was scared of everything. I wished I was someone else. I often plotted getting rid of myself. I asked my therapist if there were something more that I could do--She suggested continuing day treatment, or CDT. It really helped me big time. I also attend psychosocial clubhouses.

    In therapy I made good friends, including 2 that have now been my friends for 18 years. I've made so many friends since then that I had to start being more selective. I'm not so tragic now, but I'm still hypomanic. I'm still depressed. I'm still on guard for hallucinations and delusions. But life is more manageable now--I've learned to live beyond my problems. I've learned to see my problems as challenges, not stumbling blocks. I've felt proud of myself when I've dealt with and conquered the challenges I'm met.

    I go to a PROS (Personal Recovery Oriented Services) program now. It's like an IPRT (Intensive Psychiatric Rehabilitation Treatment Program).

    Plus I am able to participate in various community events and activities. I used to teach, and direct summer day camps, back in the day. Now I'm an artist. I love to create art. I also love to knit, crochet and macramé. I keep my mind from being idle. I like to read biographies and autobiographies. I love the Tarot, as well, because I see it as a tool that helps me in my life, because the Tarot is about life's journey and about becoming wiser, if we are able to do so.

    Anyway, a big hug for you. I hope you feel better soon.
    frybry replied to larsstarscanary's response:
    Thankyou for your advice,but i just don't see the point good......and i'm am glad you have found your way.
    larsstarscanary replied to frybry's response:
    Others who found their way helped me to find my way.

    There is a point to life--To overcome.

    I once asked one of my therapists what's so great about life. She replied, "The excitement!" I didn't understand then, but I do now.

    From what I gather, you want to feel better or I doubt that you would have written. Keep writing.

    I hope you will let someone care for you until you are able to care for yourself again.
    Elcujo responded:
    To answer your question frybry, I did until I took the focus off all the nasty things schizophrenia was doing and put the focus on what good I was doing no matter how small and obscure and childish it may have appeared to me. In your case.. you went to court 4x, you saw 2 doctors, and your not happy feeling like that. Those 3 things are you, not schizophrenia. I would like to offer you some advice as well and it is up to you if you take it or not. Stop trying to do everything at once and breathe. Then ask yourself what you want to do. Do you want to go outside? Put some clothes on, grab something to drink.. make sure its not a piss bottle, grab an Ipod or whatever and march your butt out the door and walk. Who cares what time it is. Who cares if people look at you. Your walking. How far are you gonna walk? Who cares, you will decide. Its hot outside? Who cares, you have something to drink. Its dark out? Who cares, its pretty quiet at night. Take a break frybry, you need it.
    frybry replied to Elcujo's response:
    Thank you Elcujo, I will try to take your advice.

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