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free fall
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dem243 posted:
thats what life is about you do things in life to catch yourself to stop yourself from falling, i know i am not alone in what i feel but it just hard for me to find peace these things. every time in the past when i have something else happens to make it j harder, i love you guys o hope you can forgive me
Reply
 
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Rubberboa responded:
The wind whisles past my ears as I tuck in my hands and aim for you.

I zip past you and sumersault and tent my body so I hover beneath you.

We fall a few thousand feet in silence.

the rushing wind sealing our ears.

we enter a cloud and our vision is snuffed by the greyness.

"Dem" I call softly to you.

You don't respond

"Dem" I call again, moving closer so my hand finds yours in the clouds.

"this isn't about trying to fit in a world that makes no sence to you."

"this isn't about trying to be sane when you have no sanity"

"dear one stop trying to WALK in this life, when your feet arn't even on the ground. When you are in the air you should fly."

I feel your grip tighten on my hand.

"sometimes you have to adapt and live within your means. If you are born blind, does it make sence to spend days staring at books in attempts to figure them out?"

"If you make $120 does it make sence to budget $170 each month?"

The air suddenly warms as we clear the cloud and the dazzling sunlight seers our eyes.

"sometimes in life we have to build forts and bunkers and say, "this is who I am, I'm staying put until I am ready to grow"

"let eveyone else get on with their lives, you work on discovering yourself and how to find peace within what you have.'

"this journey we call life isn't always pleasent...we, WE have to tailor it to the beats of our hearts."

"And in case no one told you this..." I say gestering behind you. " you can choose to fall up."

RB
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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dem243 replied to Rubberboa's response:
look i never said i was always right but every day i wake do the best i can no matter what i feel no matter if i agree with that go on, i have been saying good bye to people since i was seven i know that i s part of life but some people were dear to me,including my dad, i live my life in alot of pain,but i still do what society asks of, that person cheated me out of something that could have made me a better person, i just cant leave myself open to that again
 
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Rubberboa replied to dem243's response:
************** trigger *************** trigger ************ trigger************* trigger **************** trigger ****

so you are choosing to baricade yourself with nothing but pain? You clutch onto the pain in hopes of not being hurt again?

Man thats tiring. I did that for 30 years. The isolation and lonelieness are a cruel companion to refusing to let go of pain.

"I can't risk getting to know you cause you will hurt me" yes I'm good friends with that one. and this one too: "anyone else inflicts pain on me I'm going to die...I'm at my limit."

By all rights I should be a cold evil mean serial killer. I grew up in an abussive hell and everyone I loved died or moved away. It was as if my love was so tainted it could make others die.

I started therapy with such hate in my heart. Fully expecting it to be another bad thing.

what I found after looking at me in the mirror was a sad, very lonely, fright, and EXREMILY EXTREMILY tired little girl. Tired of fighting the horrors of the past,tired of greiving endlessly for those I felt I killed, just by needing them.

My walls didn't come down brick by brick, they were painstakingly sand papered down one dusty layer at a time.

When I started improving my life my walls were so high no light came in.

I infact was so intrenched in the darkness of my mind that I truely beleived I was unsavable. I was living in a rotting body that betrayed me each day by not dying. I had given up.

all it took was one person to reach out there hand and grab me and refuse to let go. To hold onto me until I was able to grab the life line myself.

(that person was inside me. A very small part of me that somehow survived the abuse and refused to die and accept the hellish sentance being handed down to me by all the abuse.)

You have that in you too. Thats the part of you who comes and posts here everyday.

RB
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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dem24 replied to Rubberboa's response:
thanks that it home i donot want to hold on to it, i feel like i was being choked by it, i know i need help. i have owned up to my actions, but to know the person i trusted and payed to help me cheated me out out treatmebt that could have helped me really really ticks me off. my CHILDREN ARE 12@16 MY DAUGHTER SUFFERS FROM ODD AND PSTD AND MY SON IS A SPECIAL NEEDS cHILD. I LIVE A LONE I DONT HAVE TIME FoR ME, I LOVE YOU GUYS
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
i hope everybody woll be ok
 
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ZeldaAlone replied to dem24's response:
I've got your hand, Dem. Don't fall away from us. We love you too. Please be safe.
 
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dem24 replied to ZeldaAlone's response:
i never felt as empty and as scared as i do rught now, i feel like something is going to go very wrong and usually i am riight when i feel like this
 
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Rubberboa replied to dem24's response:
Dem,

You do have time for this. You can't spend your life just doing for others and never doing for yourself. Life will literally leach you dry. Resentment and bitterness will build up and erode your soul.

Carve out time for yourself. TAKE BREAKS. playing the dedicated maryter will add to the dispare.

I had my son and after he was released from the NICU (7 days) I returned to work full time with him in tow. It was a 1 1/2 hour commute and a 8 1/2 hour day. I kept up that for 1 1/2 years while he was nursing.

I drove myself insane and too the edges of my physical sanity. Why did I do it? BECAUSE I HAD NO CHOICE.

I am bitter as hell about it too. I am mad that NO ONE SAW ALL THE HARD HARD WORK I PUT INTO DOING THAT.

I wanted a medal, a trophey, I WANTED AND NEEDED SIMPLE ACKNOWLEGDEMENT FROM THE WHOLE WORLD.....somone to see and apriciate the job I was doing.

and you know what? I got zilch.

Much like you are gettign right now.

Let me fix that.

Dem, I see the pain you are in. I understand the stress of daily caring for children. I UNDERSTAND THE DAILY GRIND OF CARRING FOR SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS. I know what its like to have a nutty family that drives you batty.
I know what its like to be invisable and alone.

and

I know whats its like to do all that while fighting your head and the the chaos inside.

Dem you are doing it with quiet grace and a deep strength.

You deserve a medal for each day you survive. You deserve a tickertap parade and a heros reception.

You deserve to be the center of attention.

You deserve a reward.

and since the world isnt' acknowledging your phenominal work. YOU SHOULD.

Stop for a moment and think, what your dreams were before you got side tracked by other lives obligations. What give you basic pleasure?

Reward yourself with a book or a long bath or a treat you enjoy.

nurish you.

let the rest of the world fend for itself for a hour. Just and hour. Step out side and just sniff the world. marvel at the moon, crunch a few leaves, relax your mind and perform some CPR on old dreams.

Peace be the journey.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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dem24 replied to Rubberboa's response:
i am writing a seprate post because a lot to say,
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
i was never trying to be a marter ii just not wanting any part of this mental beat down i get anytime a try to start something new, i am safer being being by myself, these kids did not ask for this so i am trying to be there more for them more then my parents did for me, i am walking around with a infection and its just hard for me to care, i do understand what you mean, like i said you cant believe in good if you dont believe in ourself, thank you you are the best
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
i i know thats why i call you my family, again i know that there alot of people that have had this happen to them. my day is always a fight . i either am told that i do not no what i am doing, i dont care when i know that i care. it is hard to get through the days with people telling you that your wrong and a screw up.that they push their agenda and you crazy HATE WHAT I LIVE WITH I WANT TO STOP< PLEASE FOR GIVE me
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
i just wanted to say thank you say thank you to my family and i love you
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
2 weeks agobod27 replied to dem243 's response: Hi Dem

I have tried so many times to post things to you but every time I canx them. Going to try again now.

I get why what your old t did (after saying the opposite) has hurt you so much. One of the hardest things with BPD is the emotions and how they fluctuate so quickly. YOU did nothing wrong, it's not your fault - you just don't know how to deal with them or even know where to start.

there is also the whole thing of people leaving you, being abandoned etc. You open your heart to your t then they leave - its not going to be good. Of course it is hard. You don't know who else to turn to cause everyone abandons you in the end and that just causes more and more pain so you may as well just stay away from everyone, that way it can't happen again. Thing is you also worry that the people you know will also stop being your friends/caring about you etc.

I don't know if you looked at the weblink I posted before but I really think looking at DBT would be good. if your previous t wasn't trained in dbt it may explain the reason why she said one thing then did another. As far as I can tell all the ts in my group (i have group and individual every week) have a great awareness of bpd and its problems. Check out Marsha Linehan on the web - her work with developing DBT for patients with BPD is very good.

Hang on in there Dem - here for ya, even if I don't always come on here and say it.Report This
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
i need to say to say things right now because i am so angry right now and i dont have the engry to vare and it just doesnt matter


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