Self Harm Community

You DO have the right to stand up for yourself.

We went through this, too. Both extended families would demand our presence at holidays. We stood our ground and stayed home. If they wanted to see the boys, they could stop by on another day.

Keep the entire holiday season the way you want. Stick to your guns. Don't let either family shame you into compliance. Tell them you are tired, the baby is too young for a lot of commotion, and you and your husband are going to have a quiet day at home.

Don't give in to guilt trips, bribery, or being told you are making a bad decision. You are adults and you have the right to make your holiday plans the way you want them.

All the best,
Mary

Second that! P isn't going to leave -- she'll be there for them to see and hug and hold and kiss later.

Unplug the phone, or don't answer calls from family for a bit. Hold to the safe, healthy, CORRECT boundary you have set with your doctor's and husband's support, and our support. And start speaking to your family again when they express some sort of understanding that the health of your baby comes first! What ridiculous, selfish, unkind behavior. I'm sorry you're having to fight so hard against people who should behave lovingly toward you. (((hugs if ok)))

Oh (((((OTW)))))

I'm so sorry they're being so incredibly selfish. The other ladies are right. My advice is to unplug and turn off all phone communication and don't even bother looking at your email, Facebook, whatever you use. Record voice mail messages saying something like "Hi, so glad you called. No, we're staying home with Little P and no amount of whining, complaining, guild-tripping, and shaming us will make us change our mind. OUR DOCTOR says to keep her away from large groups of people until she has had her shot. UNTIL THEN, IF you want to see her, you can come to OUR house. You may leave a message, but consider that if it is offensive in anyway, you will not be hearing from us, and you will not be welcome in our home until we have decided an appropriate time."

I go to this board on BabyCenter called Dealing with the In-Laws and FOO (Family of Origin). They've taught me a lot. lol

The most important things that I have learned from those ladies:

1) Stand up for yourself.
2) If the families refuse to obey what YOU AS A PARENT have set as rules, black hole (still have communication with them, just no information on any subject they are being obnoxious about), time out (no communication for an amount of time YOU decide), or cut off (no communication at all, forever) these people.
3) Don't JADE (justify and defend your explanation). You're an adult, you don't need to explain anything to anyone why you want things done this way. They can either respect it, or you can take Step 2.
4) Hubby takes care of his side of the family, you take care of yours. He defends your decisions as parents (and you, if you have any problems with mother-in-law or any other relatives) to his family, you to yours. See Steps 1, 2 and 3 if you need reassurance.

It may be difficult at first, but it will pay off in the long run. I've already started training my in-laws. (First it was MY baby with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I would look at them straight-faced and say, "I didn't see you there when L and I were creating him" or "Funny, the baby is in my uterus, and L put him there, so I don't see how he's YOUR baby" and then it was unsolicited advice that is totally against what I want as a parent from everyone who has a mouth. My answer "Hmm, I'll take that into consideration" or "You had your turn to raise your kids, now it's my turn" or "Thank you, but when I want advice, I'll ask for it". And the names...oh my gosh. You know about the whole ordeal with names, I'm sure.)

Always thinking of you and your family, OTW. Sending you strong, warm and comforting thoughts. Hugs to you!!

Thank yall so much for the advice and for understanding and listening to me vent! I really appreciate it!

Zelda- Some great advice there, thank you!!! I'm going to check out that Babycenter group, it sounds great. My name on Babycenter is TexasAggie03 if you see me on there. I've mostly just been going there to read, not to post... there is so much good information on that website. I love your responses to these situations. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough to give a response like that. How are you doing? Your little boy will be here soon!!!

I'm just not good at standing up for myself and it just really hurts my feelings to have people (especially family) be so rude to me over and over again about the same issue. Not only do we not want to risk getting P sick, but the round-trip to see both families is normally 13 hours in the car, and with having to stop to feed and change her every 2-3 hours, it'd end up being about 17 hours round-trip in the car. We've already told them we will make the trip for Christmas. Normally I wouldn't mind the car ride, even though it's not going to be easy with an infant, but because they're being so rude about things, I feel mad about it and don't want to make the trip even for Christmas. But I know we're going to have to. The thing is, most of the family members will be over the entire Thanksgiving thing by Christmas. But my MIL will not be. She holds grudges for a very long time and we are guaranteed to have her not be thankful that we've made such a trip to see her for Christmas, but rather her still bringing up the fact that it was very rude of us not to come for Thanksgiving. So how do I respond to that? When she's mean to me I generally just start crying. I just don't know how to stand up for myself. My husband will stand up to her but I just frankly don't want to hear it anymore. Why should we make such a tough trip when all she's going to do is complain about how we didn't make the trip for Thanksgiving? Is there a way we can tell her ahead of time that the this topic is now closed and not to bring it up?

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. I want to just forget about it and enjoy Thanksgiving here with our little family of 3. But I need to change my attitude about traveling for Christmas and figure out how I will deal with the MIL otherwise it's absolutely going to ruin Christmas for me. Uggg, why are the holidays so tough? I haven't even started Christmas shopping and have no idea how I'm going to get it all done with an infant who can't leave the house.

Thank yall again for letting me vent! Love yall!

Oh OTW, my heart goes out to you! I have to say, I am proud of you for standing your ground. I understand how hard it is and I have a MIL that sounds similar to yours. You are making the right choice because you are protecting your sweet P.

I will never forget the road trip we made (my lil one was about 10 mos) and my MIL insisted on giving her a bath. The water was lukewarm at best (cold in my opinion) and I couldn't find my voice to make her stop. It still makes me cry to think about it and she's 10 now! They are not the parent, we are and we will always need to stand up for our lil ones.

Enjoy your special, quiet Thanksgiving with your family. It sounds wonderful to me. ((((hugs)))

I'm MrsCastaneda on their boards. I'll be looking for you! A word of warning: the ladies can come off as very harsh, but they mean well. And some of them are down right hilarious!

13 hours in a car is a long time - for anyone. I'm glad that most of the family members will be over it by Christmas. It shouldn't even be a big deal. I'm sure traveling with an infant is going to be a lot harder and they should understand that.

The thing with your MIL, next time you or DH talks to her on the phone, let her know that if she's going to be selfish and complain the whole time on Christmas about something that happened a MONTH ago, that you will not hesitate to leave. I'm sure she's going to say she won't complain, but if and when she does, remind her "MIL, you said you wouldn't bring up how we missed Thanksgiving. I want to remind you how difficult it is to drive X amount of hours over here with an infant, and we would like to have a nice time and enjoy the holiday with family. If you can't let us have a nice time, then we are going to leave." If she brings it up again, thank everyone for the nice time and gifts, wish them a Merry Christmas. If they ask what's going on, explain to them that you wanted to have a great time but MIL won't allow it and leave.

I know the drive over there is hard and will be more or less pointless, but it will make an impact and the other family members will see that she can't let something that is out of EVERYONE'S control go.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your new family. Call people and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and then unplug your phones. If anyone starts up about how you should be there, say "It's been great talking to you, (family member), but I have to go."

As for Christmas shopping, you can look online at stores and ask DH to pick up the things you choose for the family members?

Sending love and hugs your way!