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    It's been suggested that we leave a space between the start of a post and the triggering part.

    Write something innocuous in the first line. then leave some spaces between in and the subject matter. this should take care of accidentally triggering someone.

    How and Why to Report a Post
    Newbie starting over, hopefully!!!
    auntiec57 posted:

    My Story: First I have to tell you the prior problem with my posts never got resolved, but I can be persistent; so here goes. I am a 57 year old woman who has suffered from depression since I was 5, but wasn't diagnosed or treated until I was almost 40 years old when I started having panic attacks & severe anxiety. I lost my biological father very suddenly when I was 4 when he went out fishing, a storm came through and he was struck by lightening. He was only 38 years old and from all that I've been told I was his princess. I have two older brothers and my Mom was pregnant with my sister. Somewhere along the line my Mom needed someone to blame because my father left her with 4 children to raise by herself and because I wasn't the "perfect child" obviously it was me. I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused into my adulthood. She remarried and my stepfather had an adopted son from his previous marriage, who didn't want to live with us, and then my Mom had my youngest sister with my stepdad. When I look back over those years I long to have memories of my own father because our home became a war zone. My stepdad & stepbrother were both alcoholics in later years. My stepbrother has been sober 30 years, but he doesn't speak to me. I used to dread getting into the car with my mother alone as I knew what was going to happen. By the time I was in high school my self esteem didn't exist and I used food to comfort my pain and still do. The only happy memories of my childhood was that I had my baby sister who I dearly loved and we spent a lot of time together. My mom never abused me in front of anybody in my family so my siblings still don't believe it happened. I had thoughts of suicide when I was in my 20's & 30's, but never acted on them. I switched doctors when I was almost 40 and saw the most amazing woman physician who, on my very 1st visit, noticed how withdrawn and quiet I was. She started asking me questions about how I felt and the dam broke loose. She immediately got me in for an intake appointment at a local Psychiatric clinic and I finally started getting some help. I've been hospitalized twice; once for suicidal thoughts and recently for self-harm. Both of my parents spent the last 10 years of their lives in ill health and of course since I lived at home I was a full time caregiver and also worked either full or part-time. Now that you've read my story the part that is the most difficult is I still can't get past losing my father and I need to be able to forgive my mom for how she treated me so I can move on. I am working with a wonderful Counselor and Psychiatrist and I've found it's going to be a long process and I'm sure not easy, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I do now. I don't feel like a whole person, although you'd never see that on the outside of me. I usually cover up my feelings with humor so nobody knows how much pain I feel inside. I want to feel joy, loved and just be me. I want to be accepted for who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. I have come here for any support you can offer and I will certainly be here to help all of you, as well.
    auntiec57 responded:
    Finally, it worked, but what a hassle. Sorry it posted twice. Looking forward to hearing from anyone who's experiencing similar issues. This whole diagnosis of Dissociative Disorder (Self-Harm) has scared the wits out of me, but I'm starting to learn more about my triggers.
    slik_kitty replied to auntiec57's response:
    wow so glad you could finally post. i didn't see this second one worked before i replied to the other one. oops. welcome to the board. you have been through alot, so it will take some time to work through it all, but in time you will get past what hurt you.

    you refer to dissociative disorder (self harm) as if they are together. i am interested in knowing if you were diagnosed with a dissociative disorder because you self harm, because that is not what a dissociative disorder is. yes, many of us with dissociative disorders also self harm, but that is not what gave us the diagnosis. do you have periods of time where you remember nothing? does the world outside yourself feel fuzzy and weird sometimes? do you often feel disconnected from the world?
    auntiec57 replied to slik_kitty's response:

    Thanks for your response. My computer crashed last week so I had to wait to get a new one built for me. I was so lost without contact with the outside world.

    I haven't always done self-harm, but when it started happening; in the last year and a half, I checked myself into a behavioral health unit for a week. I had several tests to rule out other medical problems and that's when they told me what the diagnosis was. It can also be called Depersonalization Disorder. In answer to your question about how I feel when I do self-harm; I never remember doing anything to myself even after I have done it. So now I'm trying to identify my triggers and if I have one I either call one of my family members who are now well versed in what to do or I call a friend who also has several mental health disorders and one of those options usually calms me down. A couple of times I had to get in to see my counselor immediately because I was terrified I would hurt myself again, but it's getting better. The Psychiatrist described how my Subconcious mind takes over and it's like you step outside of your body when you self-harm. I try not to dwell on the diagnosis or otherwise I'd be a total mess.
    slik_kitty replied to auntiec57's response:
    i'm so glad you have such a good support system. it makes all the difference.

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