I have been doing okay...up until about 2 hrs ago. Slowly becoming numb with depression. It is as if a black veil is coming over me. My head and eyes are heavy...too many emotions i suppose. The urges on coming on in intense waves. The thoughts in my head go between SH...overdosing...wanting to live...to how lonely my life is....to how I should be happy of how much I have accomplished...to how much I want to isolate and self destruct...etc
I can't stop the negative thoughts. I want to SH because that pain is a million time easier to deal with than the pain I have mentally. I want to self destruct and feel loved. I want to be able to bandage myself up. I want to shut down.
The thoughts are so strong. It is like the biggest rebound. I haven't had these thoughts for a good long while....I'd have the intermittent buzz in my head for 2 seconds and it would go away. I'd been able to fight it. BUT now It just won't stop. I'm drowning in the waves of these thoughts. I don't know if I can hang on for another 1hr. Heck...even another 15 minutes.
hang in there, i wish i had answer for you. i don't but i can tell you i have learned allot from your post, i am proud of you and it gives me hope, have you gone to http//www.palace.net you have said it helped you before.
It sounds like something or someone has triggered a thought or feeling in your head. Maybe if you try to think of what is making you feel lost, wanting to SH or give up you can focus on how you can release that feeling. When I feel a trigger coming on I do anything to keep busy, call a friend who knows that I SH and if it's really serious, as in life threatening, call a CRISIS HOTLINE! Remember it's a thought or feeling and as easy as it is to say it shouldn't be able to control us, but it does if we let it. You sound like you've been able to work through your triggers before and I pray you will find out what is causing them now and get some help. Keep posting as the group of people that are on this community are very supportive. Don't give up!!!!!!!!
A verse from one of my favorite songs by Michael Joncas: And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand.
I just want to thank those who have replied and give a quick update.
The urges have subsided, but the depression is still here. My DBF keeps asking if I'm okay...but I just don't want to burden him with my woes when he has his own stress. I can honestly say that I didn't SH. But I slept off and on for about 12 hrs. I felt almost hung-over after that huge emotional hit. I just hope that this depression hit won't last as long as the others did.
Again - thank you so much for all of your support ((hugs back)) - I truly needed it and you girls came through.
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