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Can You ever get away from SI?
jk5493 posted:
I'm a college student. I've had depression for more than half of my life and have been self injuring for most of that time as well - since I was 12, anyways.

It's like this addiction. This incessant need. When things go wrong, I get frantic. I know other people who struggle with SI must experience something similar. Does it ever go away? I've been in the hospital, gone through therapy countless times, learned tons of skills... but, nothing takes away the value on the SI. I guess it's my job to take the value away, but I can't. Any advice? I don't do it all of the time. I seem to go through phases. I just think that right now, entering into another depression episode again, it's going to be a big issue. It's already started and I'm scared but relieved. It numbs me. Makes that pain go away. That loneliness.

I know, just rambling. But, I can't help it. I just need someone to relate to.

- Jade
TheSullenGirl responded:
Hello - I also started SHing around 12-13. And would intermittently stop only to start up again. I was the worst in HS (everyday) and around 21 less often but more destructive.

I went into therapy in my early 20s, and I will not lie to you, but for me I actually SH/SI more during that time. However, afterwards I decided that I really wanted to stop. Part of it was having to let go of a family member that was toxic and that had caused a lot of anger/depression/etc to rise in me. The therapy helped me to find that out and helped to give me courage to go forth with telling that family member that they had hurt me and I could no longer be around them

I also had to learn a whole new way of coping. Believe me the thoughts would linger and the anxiety would rise because I couldn't escape those negative feelings. I am lucky in that I found that I had more backup from my mother and fiancee (at the time my BF).

Does it ever go away? I can't say for 100%. But can you learn to say no to the urge and find a better way: yes. I know once in a blue moon I think about it, but it no longer has the grasp it once did.

I hope that you are willing to interview therapist and find one that works with you the best. There is hope. Also finding out that triggers those feelings is helpful. Sometimes you have to distract yourself or find another healthy way to get that energy out. (I would basically do the 5 min game: If I can go 5 minutes without doing it...I'll try another 5...that 5 mins is up...I'd push myself another 5..etc)

I know this is long...but I so want you to know that there is help and you can stop this. I see myself in your post.
And yes, part of it is up to you to take the value away from it. (kind of like how an alcoholic has to take away the value of alcohol)
Hard lesson learned for me: Numbing doesn't take the problem away. SI complicated matters and only made me think less of myself. I was the one who kept telling myself I wasn't worth it. I thought "Only I can hurt me, I'll prove them." I was my own worst enemy. Finding self esteem is hard, but looking back to where I was...I'm damn glad that I finally told myself I was worth it. I am no different from anyone else: I deserve happiness too.
REMEMBER: You are worth it. You are worth respect, dignity, love, happiness, and the fullness of life.
((hugs if okay))

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