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Caught! -TRIGGER-
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Kate_Te posted:
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Ok, I went to see my Psychiatric Nurse Practioner today (my PDOC). We were talking about meds & stuff & she wanted to take my blood pressure. NO problem, except she uses a wrist cuff instead of an arm cuff, she had me remove my nice big bracelet that covers a good 2" of wrist and she saw the little cuts I made last week when I was so upset with my therapist. She first asked about the scar (suicide attempt) then the new cuts. I told her it was just me being mad.

I know I'm not the only one who does this, but when I get angry at someone or something, I just shut down - I don't show anger - I wait til I get home and take it out on me. Please tell me others do this as well because when she asked me why I do this, I didn't have an answer.

I am ashamed that she saw the cuts, I am ashamed I did them, Now I want to cut again because of the shame. Any comments would help. I am trying to do some prayer & meditation to combat this feeling. I actually feel pretty good that when I went to the pharmacy I looked at the razor blades, but didn't buy any.

Kate
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off_the_wall responded:
[TRIGGER] Yep, good job on not buying the razors. Of course you aren't alone and most of us here can relate. I cover my wrists with a large watch, bracelets, and hair bands too and would be horrified if a doctor needed me to remove them. Sounds like you handled the situation well. (((Kate)))
 
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jankearney123 replied to off_the_wall's response:
hey Kate

just saw this now............sorry i'm late in responding hopeyou're hanging in there.

I was horrified just 2 weeks ago when my pdocnurse asked me if i was still sh'g and i said yeah pretty bad and she asked to see wounds and then called in pdoc. o m g i know how you feel. the pdoc freaked as did nurse and said we want you to go to your primary care doc. so now i'm banadaged but have kept it up on ame arm off and on.

i don't have any great advice right now i'm sorry. but just wanted to let you know i'VE BEEN caught more than once!

but if we can try and remembre how that felt and to my horror having to how reg doc the woundd even tho she's seem me many a time for it for infeftions it never is ever easy.

I'm glad you handled the situation with grace and that you didn't buy the razor blades! Good for you Kate! thank you too for your gr4eat post to me above about not loving myself.
i'm so glad you found us. fran
 
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Kate_Te replied to jankearney123's response:
Thank you Fran. Hang in there. You are a much better person than you give yourself credit for!

Kate
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to Kate_Te's response:
[TRIGGER] TRIGGER - ISH

My latest scar is in a very, very visible place -- on the top of my left hand, between the thumb and forefinger. It's a very large, very prominent scar, and most people who see it generally assume it's a scar from Carpal Tunnel surgery. I don't correct them.

My other scars are mostly on the insides of my arms -- I have scars all over, but the ones on my arms are the most prominent. They do bother me to a point -- I've considered making an appointment with a dermatologist and/or plastic surgeon to talk about removal. But before anyone is going to make a move, I have to be sure that SH is a thing of the past and I'm not going to 1.) resort back to cutting and 2.) if I don't cut, to make sure that it doesn't escalate into something even more dangerous, like regularly overdosing.

In the summer, I get so hot (I think it's the meds talking, I have quite the trouble with temperature regulation) I have to wear short-sleeved shirts -- I just get too overheated with anything else. So displaying my scars for everyone to see is something that happens every day in the warm weather. I guess I am okay with it because they make a statement -- yes, there are scars, some of them horrifically disfiguring -- but they're healed. There are very few new ones. And I by showing my healed scars, maybe I'll attract the attention of a cutter 15 years younger than myself and she'll notice that I did some serious cutting -- but that the scars aren't new. It was a coping method that I used too but I found other ways to deal with my feelings.

I guess I hope that displaying my healed scars says to people that they're not alone and that hope for healing is possible.
 
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TheSullenGirl responded:
my post got eaten thanks to my unreliable comcast wifi. (shakes angry fist)


Any way - I'll do my best to sum up my post. (don't mind the #ing)

1) Way to go! I'm proud of you. That's a big accomplishment (not buying the razors)

2) I know what you mean about shutting down and waiting. It's all about control. We want to control every little thing. It soothes our anxieties.

3) I had to learn that I cannot control everything. While I want to be the one who wanted to hurt myself the worst....I had to rewire my thinking. I had to be the one who treated me the best.

4) Be proud of all the steps and accomplishments you make. You must remember that only you can control you. You have the power to make a difference in your life (for better or worse) It's hard to see that when you feel low, but I promise..you can get better. Be honest with your medical/mental health team - that's what they are there for.

5) Again, I am SO proud of you! If the calm techs don't work, if anger needs to be let out...try ripping paper and keep doing it until you cannot get the pieces any smaller. I did this once...and I was exhausted by the end because I just couldn't get every little piece.
 
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Kate_Te replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Thank you LLT. I am already scarred up from surgeries (3 open heart, one heart & one lung - all when I was a kid). I'm not ashamed of those. I am ashamed of the ones I did. Maybe one day I'll get to where you are but right now I'm just ashamed and feel stupid.
Kate
 
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Kate_Te replied to TheSullenGirl's response:
Thanks Sullen Girl -

I really appreciate your response. I guess I knew my anger issue was really about control but wouldn't admit it to myself. Thank you for letting me know others face the same stuff!

I have therapy tomorrow, if I get worked up again I'm going to try your ripping paper technique!

P.S. Congats again!!

Kate
 
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jankearney123 replied to Kate_Te's response:
[TRIGGER] feel the same way about my scars and open wounds right now too kate. All summer I don't hardly go out because i do wear long sleeves and i get mgihty hot and have the same temp regulation problems llt mentioned. If i do go out its early and last year we had a couple of picnics and i stayed in the shade the whole time and didn't move around to much and i did ok.

yheah i have huge s shaped scars on my knees from when i was a kid and had surgery and i have freckles on my teeth but made a concious desicioun after marriage that he apparently liked me ok so i wasn't going to have any other ateempts at fixing them. i had a freebie experiment done on me once and once is enough!

well kate do hang in i'd write more but i'm getting tired and theres a couple more posts i'd like to anser.
 
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Kate_Te replied to jankearney123's response:
Thanks Fran.


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