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Suicidal Thoughts won't go away
Anon_171543 posted:
I just turned 33 yesterday, and many people that are around me think that I have my whole life under control. I recently got married, my mother left me $84K in her passing, which I got in the beginning of last year, I moved far away from my husband's family who were driving me crazy, and I opened my own business 3 months ago, anyone in my shoes should be floating in the clouds, except me.
I've suffered from depression all my life, my parents divorced when I was 7 and I had to live with an abusive mother that sent me away to go live with my grandparents when I was 15, because she said that she "couldn't handle it anymore", which in reality she just wanted to live alone with her than ex-boyfriend. My grandparents are wonderful people and I love them to death. By the age of 22 I was married for the first time (second time living with someone), bankrupt and getting divorced a year after I got hitched because I couldn't stand being with my ex-husband. After the divorce, I was in and out of relationships with men who took advantage of me financially ( I take totally responsibility for dating men that I knew where no good for me), until 10 years passed and I met my now husband, who I love very dearly, well most of the time.
Two years before I met my husband, I was alone working as a manager in a hotel and very depressed because of the situation that I was in, I am not really liked by many people and one of the people that really disliked me was my new boss who made it his mission not only to get rid of me, but also every manager in my department. I got so stressed out because of him, that I was placed in a mental hospital with suicidal tendency, borderline schizophrenia, panic and anxiety attacks, and sever depression. I was out of work 3 months, only to return to work with him trying to stress me out again and quitting on the 4th day back. I haven't been able to be in a crowded room or be around people too much after that. Since quitting my job I lost my medical plan and had to stop my meds, a few months later I met my husband, while we were going out, I learned that my mother who lived in Chicago at the time, was dying of cancer and wanted to see me, I left to be with her for a month, but she passed away in my second week. I came back to PR and the same day moved in with my hubby and his mom that he took care of (this was December 2010), In January I got my mom's life insurance and lots of headaches along the way. Living w/ my hubby's mom was no picnic, she was sick and very possessive of her son. Since I had money I started taking care of the bills that my MIL was unable to do, which were very expensive. My hubby got into drugs because of the stress and I started again with the depression and suicidal thoughts, my MIL had her leg amputated and things only got worse, all of a sudden she couldn't stand me because I was with her son, I really tried to always be nice to her, but at times my anxiety would get the best of me and I tend to become very rude. After a big fight and 2 weeks before my wedding, I left the house because of my hubby's drug use and he was stealing money from me to support it, money that my mother left me which I found very disrespectful. I was angry and hurt because I used almost everything I had on him and his mother, to the point that my last money was used to open my business before I went completely broke. His mother passed away and we did marry on time and moved far away closer to my family, which adore him, but I feel too stress, bills are piling up and my depression keeps getting worse, at times I just want to run in front of a car or jump off the roof of the house I rent, I always feel like things are crawling on me and like I am going to loose my mind. I want escape but don't know where or who to turn to. I'm stuck with no health insurance and no way to see a doctor and no one to talk to. There is so much more that is too much to post. Can someone just give me advise?
I've suffered from depression all my life, my parents divorced when I was 7 and I had to live with an abusive mother that sent me away to go live with my grandparents when I was 15, because she said that she "couldn't handle it anymore", which in reality she just wanted to live alone with her than ex-boyfriend. My grandparents are wonderful people and I love them to death. By the age of 22 I was married for the first time (second time living with someone), bankrupt and getting divorced a year after I got hitched because I couldn't stand being with my ex-husband. After the divorce, I was in and out of relationships with men who took advantage of me financially ( I take totally responsibility for dating men that I knew where no good for me), until 10 years passed and I met my now husband, who I love very dearly, well most of the time.
Two years before I met my husband, I was alone working as a manager in a hotel and very depressed because of the situation that I was in, I am not really liked by many people and one of the people that really disliked me was my new boss who made it his mission not only to get rid of me, but also every manager in my department. I got so stressed out because of him, that I was placed in a mental hospital with suicidal tendency, borderline schizophrenia, panic and anxiety attacks, and sever depression. I was out of work 3 months, only to return to work with him trying to stress me out again and quitting on the 4th day back. I haven't been able to be in a crowded room or be around people too much after that. Since quitting my job I lost my medical plan and had to stop my meds, a few months later I met my husband, while we were going out, I learned that my mother who lived in Chicago at the time, was dying of cancer and wanted to see me, I left to be with her for a month, but she passed away in my second week. I came back to PR and the same day moved in with my hubby and his mom that he took care of (this was December 2010), In January I got my mom's life insurance and lots of headaches along the way. Living w/ my hubby's mom was no picnic, she was sick and very possessive of her son. Since I had money I started taking care of the bills that my MIL was unable to do, which were very expensive. My hubby got into drugs because of the stress and I started again with the depression and suicidal thoughts, my MIL had her leg amputated and things only got worse, all of a sudden she couldn't stand me because I was with her son, I really tried to always be nice to her, but at times my anxiety would get the best of me and I tend to become very rude. After a big fight and 2 weeks before my wedding, I left the house because of my hubby's drug use and he was stealing money from me to support it, money that my mother left me which I found very disrespectful. I was angry and hurt because I used almost everything I had on him and his mother, to the point that my last money was used to open my business before I went completely broke. His mother passed away and we did marry on time and moved far away closer to my family, which adore him, but I feel too stress, bills are piling up and my depression keeps getting worse, at times I just want to run in front of a car or jump off the roof of the house I rent, I always feel like things are crawling on me and like I am going to loose my mind. I want escape but don't know where or who to turn to. I'm stuck with no health insurance and no way to see a doctor and no one to talk to. There is so much more that is too much to post. Can someone just give me advise?
5 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayI just turned 33 yesterday, and many people that are around me think that I have my whole life under control. I recently got married, my mother left me $84K in her passing, which I got in the beginning of last year, I moved far away from my husband's family who were driving me crazy, and I opened my own business 3 months ago, anyone in my shoes should be floating in the clouds, except me. <br /><br />I've suffered from depression all my life, my parents divorced when I was 7 and I had to live with an abusive mother that sent me away to go live with my grandparents when I was 15, because she said that she "couldn't handle it anymore", which in reality she just wanted to live alone with her than ex-boyfriend. My grandparents are wonderful people and I love them to death. By the age of 22 I was married for the first time (second time living with someone), bankrupt and getting divorced a year after I got hitched because I couldn't stand being with my ex-husband. After the divorce, I was in and out of relationships with men who took advantage of me financially ( I take totally responsibility for dating men that I knew where no good for me), until 10 years passed and I met my now husband, who I love very dearly, well most of the time. <br /><br />Two years before I met my husband, I was alone working as a manager in a hotel and very depressed because of the situation that I was in, I am not really liked by many people and one of the people that really disliked me was my new boss who made it his mission not only to get rid of me, but also every manager in my department. I got so stressed out because of him, that I was placed in a mental hospital with suicidal tendency, borderline schizophrenia, panic and anxiety attacks, and sever depression. I was out of work 3 months, only to return to work with him trying to stress me out again and quitting on the 4th day back. I haven't been able to be in a crowded room or be around people too much after that. Since quitting my job I lost my medical plan and had to stop my meds, a few months later I met my husband, while we were going out, I learned that my mother who lived in Chicago at the time, was dying of cancer and wanted to see me, I left to be with her for a month, but she passed away in my second week. I came back to PR and the same day moved in with my hubby and his mom that he took care of (this was December 2010), In January I got my mom's life insurance and lots of headaches along the way. Living w/ my hubby's mom was no picnic, she was sick and very possessive of her son. Since I had money I started taking care of the bills that my MIL was unable to do, which were very expensive. My hubby got into drugs because of the stress and I started again with the depression and suicidal thoughts, my MIL had her leg amputated and things only got worse, all of a sudden she couldn't stand me because I was with her son, I really tried to always be nice to her, but at times my anxiety would get the best of me and I tend to become very rude. After a big fight and 2 weeks before my wedding, I left the house because of my hubby's drug use and he was stealing money from me to support it, money that my mother left me which I found very disrespectful. I was angry and hurt because I used almost everything I had on him and his mother, to the point that my last money was used to open my business before I went completely broke. His mother passed away and we did marry on time and moved far away closer to my family, which adore him, but I feel too stress, bills are piling up and my depression keeps getting worse, at times I just want to run in front of a car or jump off the roof of the house I rent, I always feel like things are crawling on me and like I am going to loose my mind. I want escape but don't know where or who to turn to. I'm stuck with no health insurance and no way to see a doctor and no one to talk to. There is so much more that is too much to post. Can someone just give me advise?
lizzyerd85 responded:
Hi.
To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or even much advice that you need
I honestly think that you'd be much better off calling a hotline. There's the main suicide prevention hotline... you can call them, you don't even have to mention the suicide part (even though I think you should) and just have someone who is stepped away to help and to listen, they may even be able to direct you somewhere that you could go for counseling - sometimes you can even call and talk to the same person when you call a hotline.
1-800-273-8255
I'm sure there's other but that's the main national one where they have trained people to help.
Sounds like grief counseling would benefit you very much - it doesn't matter if this was a year ago or last week, grief and death affects so many different people so many different ways, there is NO ONE who can tell you how long you should or should not grieve for someone, especially a parent no matter how much or little they were in your life.
I don't know if you're a church goer but that also may help. If you can rely on your preacher/pastor or maybe just one or two people in the congregation.
Also there is a meeting based thing that's started called Celebrate Recovery
It is a religion/church/bible type of thing and it does have some of it's parts from AA like a ten-step program but it is for "Life's hurts, habits and hang ups.".
I think it's fairly new and since I don't know where you live you're best bet would be to google the name with your state and see if there's a church somewhere close by that hands the connection group.
But I will repeat that right now you're best course of action would be to call the hotline.
It's wonderful that you're seeking help somewhere, but there's also only so much a message board can do for people. Especially since it's not in 'real time'. As it is I can tell it's been nearly half a day before even *I* got to this post to answer it.
Plus that a lot of us are in certain spots that we just cannot offer the help that we would love to give you and that you very much need.
That said... I will repeat only one more time. Please call the hotline. It may actually help.
1-800-273-8255
And be safe.
<3 Lizz
To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or even much advice that you need
I honestly think that you'd be much better off calling a hotline. There's the main suicide prevention hotline... you can call them, you don't even have to mention the suicide part (even though I think you should) and just have someone who is stepped away to help and to listen, they may even be able to direct you somewhere that you could go for counseling - sometimes you can even call and talk to the same person when you call a hotline.
1-800-273-8255
I'm sure there's other but that's the main national one where they have trained people to help.
Sounds like grief counseling would benefit you very much - it doesn't matter if this was a year ago or last week, grief and death affects so many different people so many different ways, there is NO ONE who can tell you how long you should or should not grieve for someone, especially a parent no matter how much or little they were in your life.
I don't know if you're a church goer but that also may help. If you can rely on your preacher/pastor or maybe just one or two people in the congregation.
Also there is a meeting based thing that's started called Celebrate Recovery
It is a religion/church/bible type of thing and it does have some of it's parts from AA like a ten-step program but it is for "Life's hurts, habits and hang ups.".
I think it's fairly new and since I don't know where you live you're best bet would be to google the name with your state and see if there's a church somewhere close by that hands the connection group.
But I will repeat that right now you're best course of action would be to call the hotline.
It's wonderful that you're seeking help somewhere, but there's also only so much a message board can do for people. Especially since it's not in 'real time'. As it is I can tell it's been nearly half a day before even *I* got to this post to answer it.
Plus that a lot of us are in certain spots that we just cannot offer the help that we would love to give you and that you very much need.
That said... I will repeat only one more time. Please call the hotline. It may actually help.
1-800-273-8255
And be safe.
<3 Lizz
Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayHi. <br /><br />To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or even much advice that you <i>need</i> <br />I honestly think that you'd be much better off calling a hotline. There's the main suicide prevention hotline... you can call them, you don't even have to mention the suicide part (even though I think you should) and just have someone who is stepped away to help and to listen, they may even be able to direct you somewhere that you could go for counseling - sometimes you can even call and talk to the same person when you call a hotline. <br />1-800-273-8255 <br />I'm sure there's other but that's the main national one where they have trained people to help.<br /><br /> Sounds like grief counseling would benefit you very much - it doesn't matter if this was a year ago or last week, grief and death affects so many different people so many different ways, there is NO ONE who can tell you how long you should or should not grieve for someone, especially a parent no matter how much or little they were in your life.<br /><br />I don't know if you're a church goer but that also may help. If you can rely on your preacher/pastor or maybe just one or two people in the congregation. <br />Also there is a meeting based thing that's started called Celebrate Recovery <br />It is a religion/church/bible type of thing and it does have some of it's parts from AA like a ten-step program but it is for "Life's hurts, habits and hang ups.". <br />I think it's fairly new and since I don't know where you live you're best bet would be to google the name with your state and see if there's a church somewhere close by that hands the connection group. <br /><br />But I will repeat that right now you're best course of action would be to call the hotline. <br />It's wonderful that you're seeking help somewhere, but there's also only so much a message board can do for people. Especially since it's not in 'real time'. As it is I can tell it's been nearly half a day before even *I* got to this post to answer it. <br />Plus that a lot of us are in certain spots that we just cannot offer the help that we would love to give you and that you very much need. <br /><br />That said... I will repeat only one more time. Please call the hotline. It may actually help. <br /><br />1-800-273-8255 <br /><br />And be safe. <br /><br /><3 Lizz
Kate_Te responded:
Hello,
I am sorry that you are suffering. I agree whole heartily with Liz, you should call the hotline. My only suggestion to you is about your insurance. In most areas, the local Chamber of Commerce has HMO plans that they offer to their members. Since you own a business, I would suggest looking into it. Yes you'd have to join the Chamber, but that's usually relatively inexpensive.
My only other suggestion is to locate a therapist that works on a sliding scale, based on your income. There are many out there. You shouldn't be trying to handle all of this on your own. Start with a call to the hotline, then look into either insurance thru the chamber of commerce or a sliding scale therapist, and let us know how you are doing.
Hang in there. You are Worth the Struggle.
Kate
I am sorry that you are suffering. I agree whole heartily with Liz, you should call the hotline. My only suggestion to you is about your insurance. In most areas, the local Chamber of Commerce has HMO plans that they offer to their members. Since you own a business, I would suggest looking into it. Yes you'd have to join the Chamber, but that's usually relatively inexpensive.
My only other suggestion is to locate a therapist that works on a sliding scale, based on your income. There are many out there. You shouldn't be trying to handle all of this on your own. Start with a call to the hotline, then look into either insurance thru the chamber of commerce or a sliding scale therapist, and let us know how you are doing.
Hang in there. You are Worth the Struggle.
Kate
Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayHello, <br />I am sorry that you are suffering. I agree whole heartily with Liz, you should call the hotline. My only suggestion to you is about your insurance. In most areas, the local Chamber of Commerce has HMO plans that they offer to their members. Since you own a business, I would suggest looking into it. Yes you'd have to join the Chamber, but that's usually relatively inexpensive. <br /><br />My only other suggestion is to locate a therapist that works on a sliding scale, based on your income. There are many out there. You shouldn't be trying to handle all of this on your own. Start with a call to the hotline, then look into either insurance thru the chamber of commerce or a sliding scale therapist, and let us know how you are doing. <br />Hang in there. You are Worth the Struggle.<br />Kate
Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
In addition to the other great suggestions offered, self-help books can also really end up helping. Take a look at your local library or bookstore to find a few that seem to meet at least some of your needs.
It's obviously not the same as therapy, but every little bit helps, as does journaling.
And I agree about calling a crisis line when you need help keeping yourself safe. Not only can they help at that point, they can sometimes point you to further resources in your area.
It's obviously not the same as therapy, but every little bit helps, as does journaling.
And I agree about calling a crisis line when you need help keeping yourself safe. Not only can they help at that point, they can sometimes point you to further resources in your area.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayIn addition to the other great suggestions offered, self-help books can also really end up helping. Take a look at your local library or bookstore to find a few that seem to meet at least some of your needs.<br /><br />It's obviously not the same as therapy, but every little bit helps, as does journaling.<br /><br />And I agree about calling a crisis line when you need help keeping yourself safe. Not only can they help at that point, they can sometimes point you to further resources in your area.
jankearney123 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Nami (national alliance for the mentally ill) has many resources. They are online and you can find a chapter in your area. Many of hte services are run by volunteers who have a mental illness but have proven they can function etc.
May God bless you and keep you.
and no we're not a bunch of religious zealots. Speaking for myself I just sincerely mean for God to step in and help you.
You may not believe in God that's ok. Its just my belief and not pushing it on you OK?
take care! and hope you get hte care you deserve and need.
let us know how you're doing and you can keep talking here if it helps!
May God bless you and keep you.
and no we're not a bunch of religious zealots. Speaking for myself I just sincerely mean for God to step in and help you.
You may not believe in God that's ok. Its just my belief and not pushing it on you OK?
take care! and hope you get hte care you deserve and need.
let us know how you're doing and you can keep talking here if it helps!
Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayNami (national alliance for the mentally ill) has many resources. They are online and you can find a chapter in your area. Many of hte services are run by volunteers who have a mental illness but have proven they can function etc.<br /> <br />May God bless you and keep you.<br /> <br />and no we're not a bunch of religious zealots. Speaking for myself I just sincerely mean for God to step in and help you.<br />You may not believe in God that's ok. Its just my belief and not pushing it on you OK?<br /> <br />take care! and hope you get hte care you deserve and need.<br /> <br />let us know how you're doing and you can keep talking here if it helps!
besmith75 replied to jankearney123's response:
She's right. We're not a bunch of religious zealots, but I think that we all are seeking and recognizing a higher power within ourselves. I personally study eastern philosophies (mainly Taoism). The search itself tells you that you ARE WORTH IT!! Slow down, breathe, and know that you have the strength to find yourself. Every single one of us is thinking of you. WE believe in you, even if you can't believe in yourself right now. Love is the key, and you will find it here!!
B
B
Report This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go awayShe's right. We're not a bunch of religious zealots, but I think that we all are seeking and recognizing a higher power within ourselves. I personally study eastern philosophies (mainly Taoism). The search itself tells you that you ARE WORTH IT!! Slow down, breathe, and know that you have the strength to find yourself. Every single one of us is thinking of you. WE believe in you, even if you can't believe in yourself right now. Love is the key, and you will find it here!!<br><br>B
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