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    besmith75 posted:
  • **********************************************************

    I've been thinking about therapy lately. primary care doc was also my mom's doc and after my mom died she encouraged me to contact my employers employee assistance program for grief counseling. I have a hard time with I never did it. Well...I've been thinking about therapy lately and I even went so far as to check out the employee assistance program on our website at work today. So...I've been thinking all day and I've figured out that I am bothered more by the lying than I am about the SH or my ED. I lie about cuts and scars. I lie about what I eat. I spend so much time lying. I don't want to advertise that I cut or that I have an eating disorder...but the lying gets exhausting. I told my boyfriend about the cutting...and I actually regret having done so. I told him...but I don't want to talk to him about it. I have a regular check up with my doc on Friday (she doesn't know about the SH or ED either). I was just in their office a couple of weeks ago so that her PA could remove the 8 stitches from my arm (which I had lied about). I know she's going to ask me how everything is...and I'm going to lie. Ugh. Why can't I just tell the truth?

    No response needed...I'm just venting...
    off_the_wall responded:
    Trigger _______________________________________
    I lie about cuts and scars too and I agree, the lying feels like crap. I doubt I will ever be comfortable enough to be perfectly honest with people about it, though I kind of envy people who are able to.
    jankearney123 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------my doc knows cuz she's patched me up many a time. mine are kinda obvious because of the method so i really can't hide it. i hid it from my husband the serious stuff for a complete year until he started getting noisy. it was easy to hide tho because we don't sleep in the same bed and i wear long sleeves and pants year round. i did recently becuase of hot flashes buy some 2 piece short sleeve and shorts pj's cuz i do better that way when i sleep.
    i lied for a long time too/i had terroible anxiety when i went for mammo this year after 2 years of none and having done my method on my breast. my first t wanted me to get out of the secrecy of it because she said if i started talking to a couple of people about it it would loose its energy. i have no opinion on that that i would share with anyone.
    well thats a wrap
    Kate_Te replied to jankearney123's response:
    My therapist and my psychiatric nurse practitioner know. My primary care doc knows i've tried to commit suicide, but doesn't know I cut. I also have a cardiologist and a pulmonologist, neither of which know about my cutting. I don't lie to them, but when they ask me how I'm doing, I say crappy - psychologically speaking. They don't ask anything after that bc they know I have a therapist.
    I would recommend you get a therapist, so you have one professional who is aware of whats going on. Just my opinion.
    socalmsg responded:
    Hi besmith, this is my very first comment on this site. i am new and signed up this evening. i read your post and felt compelled to respond. i hope that is alright, i totally know what you mean about" why cant i just tell the truth?" sometimes our fib telling becomes a habit that runs so deep that it actually becomes second nature. obviously lying is not good and habitual lying is very difficult to overcome. although i dont know you, i sincerely hope you can start to be honest with others (and yourself) by answering people's queries truthfully. when you are tempted to lie about something and you feel a fib about to fly out of your mouth, maybe just pause for a second and think about not having the weight of guilt to lugg around if you tell the truth instead of a distruth. just a thought : )
    jankearney123 replied to socalmsg's response:

    I HOPE YOU WILL STICK AROUND and be part of our cyber friends and family.
    besmith75 replied to socalmsg's response:
    Welcome to the site SoCal. And please...respond to anything at anytime. We have a fantastic group here. I've only been around for a month or so and they have already given me enough support and love to help me start working on controlling my self destructive behaviors. This is the closest I've ever come to therapy...and it's been one of the smartest things I've done.

    I told my boyfriend about the cutting in the hopes that it would take away some of the pressure and energy. I thought that if someone would be easier to stop because I wouldn't want to have to face him seeing the scars and cuts. It didn't work out that way. We don't talk about it (other than when I emailed him the SIV description that Paja posted...thanks Paja...he hasn't said anything but I know it helped him to understand a little). I've changed where and how I SH so it isn't so obvious. I guess I should contact employee assistance and find a therapist. It probably sounds silly...but I don't know that I'm ready to stop. It's like when I got clean. I couldn't stop using the drugs until I knew I was ready. I didn't do that until it almost killed me (more than once). But, you are all right. It's the lying that bothers me...and in order to deal with the lying I need to out myself when it comes to the SH. I'm not going to talk to my doc tomorrow...I'm going to call employee assistance and set something up there. If it doesn't work...I can walk away and I won't be out anything. I have nothing to lose...right?

    Thanks everyone. I appreciate your input.


    jankearney123 replied to besmith75's response:
    well i'm not quiet sure i get your post B? the part about not going to see your doc tomorrow and calling emp. asst. and walking away if id don't work out? why can't you stay with the t you havenow? I may have missed something and pardon me if i did as I have short term memory.


    if you don't have therapy to help you with this addiction this board isn't enuf i can guarantee you that. get the help you need and deserve!
    besmith75 replied to jankearney123's response:
    I don't have a T yet. I haven't felt ready for that step, but I'm starting to think that I need to. I need to just blurt out my entire story and see if someone can help me untangle the mess that has been my life. I can get either the actually therapy or a referral through my employee assistance program, and I think I am going to. I don't know why...but I'm scared.

    I went to my pdoc today. She had been my Mother's pdoc & after my mother passed away...she encouraged me to get grief counseling through the assistance program. I never did...but that's where the idea stems from.

    And speaking of my pdoc visit today...she looked at my arm and said "those aren't all dog scratches...but you can tell me what they are when or if you need to". I guess she has me figured out. I'm almost glad she called me out. She didn't give me a strange look or have an odd reaction. She said it...and carried on. The down side of my appt is that I have severe left sciatica & a trigger knot below my right shoulder blade. She put me on steroids. Steroids tend to make you gain weight. I have body dysmorphic and an ED and so I am terrified to start the meds. I'm sick just thinking about it (I guess this part belongs on the ED board). I just know that if I gain weight...I'll SH. A lot. I'm fighting it right now. Ugh. I feel stupid & mad at myself. I just want to cut & cry!!!

    Sorry everyone.

    You all are right. I need to find a T. I need to make that phone call on Monday and at least try. I can't have my PTSD which drives my ED affect my health and I certainly can't let it push me to SH.

    B's nonsensical ramblings. I'm just so confused & lost tonight...
    jankearney123 replied to besmith75's response:
    It's not nonsensical at all! I love that word: How clever you are!
    You've made a lot of good arguements for the reasons you need to see a t. Go for it. Realizing of course that a t can't do the work fo ryou you have to do it for yourself. I have ptsd too.
    I'm a real scaredeeee cat!

    I hope when you wake up this morning things will be brighter for you.

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