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Been away for a while and need to hear other voices besides those in my head
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ffltat posted:
I do not know if this will be a trigger or not so be warned..........



It has been almost a year since I have been on this board. I have been working hard with my pdoc but lately...I feel very alone. I think more and more about cutting again. the only thing that I am hearing is the voices in my head. And they are saying why not cut? who is it going to hurt? Why not?

My husband trys to understand but I am not sure that he gets it. And when I talk about cutting he gets very upset. then I am dealing with his emotions instead of figuring out why I have these naging constant thoughts. Even when i am doing something with other people that is fun....the thoughts of cutting are still there.

It just seems to be getting harder instead of easier. And I feel alone in it. I am angry and I hurt. And I do not know what to do with it. Feel like a broken record with my pdoc. Can't seem to find my way out of the maze in my head.
Fight For Life Today And Tomorrow
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lexismom11 responded:
Possible Trigger.........................................................................

I too have been away from the message boards for almost a year now. I am bipolar and have been feeling like I am heading in the worng direction lately. I have realized that there may not be a way to stop it, so I have to learn how to deal with it. I can feel it coming on but I don't think there is a way for me to avoid it. I have been thinking about cutting more and more but I don't want to go in that direction.

It's hard for others to understand something that they have not themselves gone through. The only thing you can do is try to help him understand. Let him know that just because you are talking to him about it, doesn't mean that you will for sure do it. You just need to express what is going on with you and you need a sounding board. Let him know that talking about it is what you should be doing instead of keeping everything inside. The only thing that will do is cause you to cut for sure. I recently had a medication added to my other medications and I am hoping that will help me. Maybe this is something to talk to you doctor about to see if he/she thinks it may be time for a change.
 
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slik_kitty responded:
welcome back to both of you. sorry to hear that things are not going well.
 
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jankearney123 replied to slik_kitty's response:
second what kitty said. I learned until my husband was ready to hear it that i didnt talk to him about it. he didn't and couldn't comprehend how i could do the things i did. We still don't talk about it much unless i'm really having a time of it and i need him to help keep me safe.
Have either of you tried dbt skills? A lot of people have used them and found their way out of hell. let me know if you need more info on this topic. fran
 
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besmith75 replied to jankearney123's response:
Paja posted this awhile ago. I emailed it to my boyfriend. I don't know if it will be of any help to anyone else, but here it is:

SIV: Self inflicted violence (cutting)

The basic of self inflicted violence is this...Intense emotional pain is hard to deal with. You can't see it, you can't put a bandage on it, you can't fully explain it to anyone else. The pain is personal and well, excruciating. Some people have learned not to show pain, or lack the ability to effectively communicate pain. When the tension builds internally to a point that feels like..."I'm going to explode, I am going to go insane" people who self injure...injure themselves. This act does many things...says many things....

1. It transfers the pain to the surface, where you CAN see it, you CAN heal it. You can't bandage the soul, but you can bandage your arm.

2. The blood speaks volumes as to the internal pain. Think of the cut as a red mouth screaming the pain. This maybe the only way a person can express the discomfort they are in.

3. The act itself will literally cut the tension one is feeling. You are left with a calmness, a dissociating "high", you feel back in control now that the energy is released. This fact makes SIV a very addicting act. You are positively reinforced each time you injure.

SIV is very alarming/disturbing to people who don't do it. What you need to know about us is this. We are not trying to kill ourselves with the injuring...think of it more as self medicating. SIV does not = suicide attempt. Suicide is an another catagory all by its self. Suicide = taking action to ends ones life, while SIV = taking action to ease internal pressure, so one can keep on functioning. It is, in fact, often used to stop one from reaching that point of seeking fatal means to cope. The number one most common denominator to SIV is a history of sexual abuse...we are talking about deep deep issues that need a professional touch here, the healing journey is a hard one. Deep issues must be faced, a commitment to healing and working towards learning and using healthy coping skills must be there. One doesnt have to have any abuse in there background to learn SIV as coping skill., it works just as well no matter the reason behind it. SIV is about control too...controlling ones emotions and feelings and destiny. Cutting can give a sense of control. I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN. We are NOT crazy for injuring ourselves. We are just in pain, and have lost the ability to comunicate anyother way. Think of it this way...the SIV is a fever. Its a symptom of a deeper infection that needs to cleared up before the fever goes away. You would never tell a sick person...just stop having a fever. We do medicate the fever away, but does that cure the infection? Nope. There is deeper work we need to do. Things that are not helpful...

1. Giving ultimatums. "You may not cut." "I won't be your friend if you injure yourself."

2. "Stop it for me." "promise me you won't cut for me" - We need to stop for ourselves.

3. "Just don't cut" - if it were that simple don't you think we would do it?

4. Non injuring contracts.
SIV is a coping mechanisim. It may very well be the ONLY coping skill. Until there is a new skill learned-practiced-implemented, the SIV will continue. (We don't ask babies to be born and get up and walk the same day. They learn to use their muscles first, roll over, crawl, stand, then walk. It is a slow gradual process.) Re-learning/learning healthy coping skills is hard work.
 
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ffltat replied to besmith75's response:
I am also Bipolar and every time I talk to my pdoc about this stuff I get more medication. I hate taking the pills. but I am scared not to. I have been suicidal several times and in the hospital once. Did not have a bad experiance but just do not want to do it again. If the truth be known I have been thinking more about the rape just not talking about it. tdoc is waiting for me to be ready to deal with it. Not sure that I can.
Fight For Life Today And Tomorrow
 
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jankearney123 replied to ffltat's response:
tell your t what you've told us here. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. slippery slop for many. i think your signature of FIGHT FOR LIFE TODAY AND TOMORROW is stellar and that you should listen to that yourself right now
 
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jankearney123 replied to jankearney123's response:
TRIGGER...................
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fflat
one time i was talking to a friend of mine about rape and she told me this: frannie they can have your body it doesn't belong to you anyway and its just a physical part of you the important thing is that they can't take your mind without your permission.
Jo shortened version of her name was very smart in a lot of areas.
really we just have a version of what whatever higher intelligent being or beings the universe made us ........don't let the perp win by getting over on you in your mind. FIGHT IT!
 
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ffltat replied to jankearney123's response:
I wanted to say thank to all of you for your replies. I have been thinking about what all of you have said. I do need to talk about all of this to my tdoc cause the urges will just get worse until I do. I am not sure if I am really ready to talk about the rape. when ever I try to think about it my mind just will not go there but I know that is where the anger and sadness that I want to cut away comes from. I just do not have any healthy skills for dealing with anger.

thank you
Fight For Life Today And Tomorrow
 
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jankearney123 replied to ffltat's response:
I hear you. There's a good book about anger by harriet lerner.

I think its called the dance of anger. its been around a long time and you might even fin d it at the library.

best of luck. and keep writing here if it helps.

you take good care now ok
 
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ffltat replied to jankearney123's response:
Found the book in ebook form...have already read a couple of chapters and have deffinitly found myself in the pages.

Thank you
Fight For Life Today And Tomorrow


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