Self Harm Community

yeah i've wanted to run, but my son is why i stayed. that, and knowing that no matter where i went, my problems would follow me, so running solves nothing.

maybe what you need is a break from it all. a mini vacation. spend a night or two in a motel and just veg. hugs

you're up early. trying to hang onto sanity is really really hard kitty. I and hubby really do need a vaca. can't even take today off the frickin phone starts ringing at 7:30 a.m. with a distressed client who has water cojming thru her ceiling
i even closed the office but ironically people know i check messages so i'm never really closed except to thos people who aren't our clients. hmmmmmmmm
i suck! i know.

Fran -
I like kitty's suggestion. Just a couple of nights away from everything in a hotel. My version of running is just staying in the house, not answering the phone and having no contact with anyone for a day or two. It actually hurts, instead of helps me...I need a better way of doing it.
((Fran))

i've just got the HELL WITH ITS! I'M PRAYING FOR AN INFECTION OR MAN EATING FLESH BACTERIA TO CONSUME ME AND KILL ME! BUT NOTHING SO FAR!

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN THAT. WELL

Fran -
You know that's the depression talking. And you also know how to battle it. Like I said last night, having the tools doesn't always make it any easier to use them. In the midst of the battle it's hard to think clearly enough to use them.

Do you still have your DBT handbook? Go to page 168 (Distress Tolerance Handout 1). Try it. If it only makes you feel better for a moment it's worth it. If you start to feel a little better, then go to p 157, Adult Pleasant Events Schedule. Try to string together a few positive experiences.

Hang in there Fran. (((Fran)))
Kate

[TRIGGER] KATE WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS TALKING TO ME I'M AGREEING! I'M SERIOUSLY CLOSE TO NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP MYSELF AT ALL. I WANT TO MAKE THE LARGEST BURN ON MY SLEF THAT I'VE EVER MADE AND I THINK SO FAR I HAVE! THING IS KATE I'M TIRED OF BATTLING I'M TIRED OF TRYING OF IT ALL.I'M ONLY INTERESTED IN BURNING AND EATING AND SLEEPING. IF THIS ANNOYS YOU SORRY BUT ITS HOW I FEEL AND ITS HARD TO MAKE AN EXCUSE FOR THAT!!
I DON'T HAVE THE MARSHA LINEHAN DBT BOOK BUT I HAVE OTHERS.

Fran -

I'm trying to get you to use the tools you have to battle this. If you have decided not to fight anymore, that's your choice. If you still have a little fight in you I was trying to get you to IMPROVE THE MOMENT with Imagery, with Meaning, with Prayer, with Relaxation, with One thing at a time, with a brief Vacation and with Encouragement.

It's all up to you Fran. I want you to keep fighting because I think you are worth the fight, but I am not you. I can only encourage.
(((softhugs)))
Kate

THANKS FOR THE NICE WORDS............I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO TRY AND HELP OTHERS RIGHT NOW. I'M KEEPING A REAL LOW PROFILE FROM HEREIN. CONCENTRATE ON PEEPS WHO GIVE A DAMN CUZ I DON'T MUCH.

I hope it gets better for you.

[TRIGGER] Dear Fran,

Some tough love here....

We don't need you to look after others here. What we need is for you to take care of yourself. Whether you care right now or not, take steps. In the past, when you took steps you were always glad you did.

Tell your T, tell the hospital, tell your husband that you need more help than you are now getting.

You're angry; time to use that anger to help yourself rather than hurt yourself. We see your pain, Fran. You don't need to hurt yourself further for us to know you are screaming for the help you need and deserve.

But we can't do it for you. Only you can pick up the phone and start talking. You have that choice.

won't write in all caps anymore and i won't write stuff cuz i get stupid messages from web md and i can't have my office staff stumbling across that. i am no longer seeing a t. i kicked out my entire team about 2 weeks ago. i canceled pdoc appt. but she keeps bugging me so today i made an appt for late august. i'm suppose to have a root canal today i canceled that too. i'm suppose to have some kind of gastric scoping, go to dermatologist, and some other specialist but i can't remember who it was and i canceled all them too. o yeah the heart doc for my 2 year check up having an echocardiogram. forget about them. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and they're just wasting my husbands hard earned money! I'm on strike with docs. I can save so much money in gas and in copays and tests. Unless i break a bone I AIN'T GOIN!
i do have a choice of how i treat others and others will be treated just fine. and i'm just fine too, just tired and the reg. pain regime. this too shall pass and be rep;laced with more garbage as it always is. yeah my choice i ain't callin! and i ain't writtin here no more neither.
god speed to you caprice and i hope you enjoy your grandchildren and are pain free enough and can loose weight enough too. i think that ball got dropped on that thread.
i'll try to find it.

You're not fine, Fran. And it sounds like things have escalated/worsened since you fired them all. Please focus on your mental health more than anything else and get support for at least that, dear one.

Worried about you and I'm going to continue worrying about you whether you post here or not. ((((((softhugs))))))

[TRIGGER] TODAY.........................

WENT TO LUNCH WITH AUNT WHOM I CELEBRATE SILIMIAR BIRTHDAY WITH MARCH/APRIL AND TALKED ABOUT A WHOLE LOT OF BAD STUFF. HAD SOME WINE WITH HER AND CAME OUT OF THERE NEEDING MORE. SO I FIGURED A WAY TO DISGUISE IT WHILE I COULD DRINK IT AND HUBBY WOULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT. HELPED A LOT.
TALLKED ABOUT SA FROM CHILDHOOD AND SHE SHUDDERED AND SAID MY DAD WOULD HAVE KILLED THE PERPS.. RIGHT! MY DAD WOULD HAVE SAID IT WAS MY FAULT! VERY DISTURBING I DON'T KNOW IF ITS SAFE TO TAKE MY NIGHTTIME MEDS BUT I'M GOINT TO ANYWAY.
EVEN THO I HAVE A KILLER HEADACHE IT FEELS GOOD TO BE NUMB. OR SEMI NUMB. I'M VERY SURPRISED I\THAT I LET HER INTO MY WORLD. PROBABLY WILL BACK FIRE ON ME. O WELL ANOTHER NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
I HAVE TO SH TO MAKE IT A GOOD NIGHT ADN SO IT WILL BE. I'M JUST TIRED OF TRYING TO MAKE ALL THIS JUNK HAPPEN USING ALL THESE RETARED SKILLS THEY CALL THEM. NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO ME SO I WON'T TALK. I WILL WALK AROUND NORMALLY LIKE OHTER PEOPLE DO AND I WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!

SORRY FOR THE SPACING. I THOUGHT I WAS MAKING PARAGRAHPS BUT I GUESS NOT. OPPS MESSED UP AGAIN. PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSE DON'T SEND ME SOME LAME MESSAGE THAT I'M JACKED UP. I'M FINE I REALLY AM JUST LETTING OFF SOME STEAM THAT'S PENT UP!

IT FEELS GOOD TOO! GOSH I CAN'TEVEN REMEMBER WHEN I'VE GOT DRUNK. A FEW YEARS I THINK? I DON'T CARE ABOUT AA ANYMORE (I'VE RUN INTO THE PHONIEST PEOPLE THERE) I WRITE ON MY FB PAGE ABOUT DOING SOMETHING FREE GRATIS FOR SOMEONE ELSE WITHOUT THEM KNOWING IT AND NOT TELLING ON YOURSELF THAT YOU DID A GOOD DEED. WHAT DO I GET. THIS STUPID STUPID WOMAN WHO TELLS ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE DID FOR HER FREE GRATIS. WHAT PART OF DONT' TELL DID YOU NOT GET a. I CANNOT EVEN SAY HER NA,ME HERE BECAUSE ITS SO UNIQUE.

AA IS BS. SO MANYPHONEYS. TRYING TO PRETEND THEY'RE NOT. I SAY DRINK EAT AND BE MERRY OR MARY DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU NEED TO GET TO. I'VE JUST HAD IT. I ONLY CARE ABOUT MAKING MONEY SO I CAN GET MY HUSBAND 1/2 TIME IN THE FIELD. HE HURTS SO MUCH AND SO DO I. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING TO BE WITH A 66 YEAR OLD PERSON AUNT AND BE SO MESSED UP IN MIND AND BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN! SHE HAD A MEAN FATHER TOO. BUT THEY ACTUALLY IN HER TEENAGE YEARS TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE OF HER MENSTRAUL CRAMPING. THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE USED TO PASS OUT FROM IT????????????? IHAD THEM BAD TO AND THEY GO TME ADDICTED TO DARVOCET!
GAVE ME BOTTLES AND BOTTLES OF THE STUFF. ME ON MY OWN AT 14 OR 15 THREW THEM DOWN THE TOILET BECAUSE I NEW I WAS GETTING HOOKED. AND KATE TE
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE PROGRAM RIGHT NOW. I'LL THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. I'VE BEEN FAITHFUL I'VE BEEN GOD GOING I'VE BEEN IT ALL FOR YEARS WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I'M SO SICK OF ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME ANYMORE! I WONDER WHAT KIND OF THINGS MY AUNT WILL HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME AND TO WHOM? i don't much give a damn! HAVE A GREAT EVENING! ALL IN GOOD TIME! I DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH I'LL FIND A WAY OUT BUT MAYBE I'LL FIND A WAY IN??????????????? OTW IF YOU'RE READING THIS I COMMEND YOU. YOU HAVE A REAL GOOD LIFE AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO. TAKE CARE AND HAVE A SUPER GOOD NIGHT AND I'LL CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE ON THE MORROW

[TRIGGER] ((((Fran))))

We will continue sending letters when we see the need.

It's now 'tomorrow' and I see you've since posted.

Very worried about you as I fear you're treading dangerous waters with the choices you're making. But I just hope you keep yourself safe through the coming days.