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proud of myselves .....triggery
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
  • ************************************ ********************************** ***** **************************** ********************** ********************* * ****

    Something happened to day that makes me so proud of myselves.

    I gave up control of my safety to someone else when I reached my ability to cope and keep myselves safe.

    We worked on that sooooooo often in therapy and I always refused to yeild control when I was in danger. The skill was simple. Admit I am overwhelmed and not able to keep myself safe and give control to someone who can.

    Allowed my friend to take my kids so they would not have to see be around me for the afternoon hours as that is when the medication is making me IRRITABLE. (that was big too...that is the first time my daughter has EVER been with someone other then me or dad for 5 and 3/4years.)

    I got in hubbys arms as often as I could. Having him hold me through this was very helpful.

    I finally said. "Just so you know, I am beyond my ability to keep myselves safe, I will not be able to stop me from SIVing."

    Hubby: "what does that mean?

    Me: "I need help to stay safe, If I call you, come running. Do not allow me to leave the house unattended, check on me often. I can't keep myselves safe."

    that is huge for me to verbally admit I need help to keep safe and to actually say aloud, I am unable to cope anymore.


    We made it. The medication effects slowed and backed off at 5:00 pm. Still feel a tad off but I can handle that.

    Its now 6:30 pm and I am feeling sane and grounded and back in control. Medication taper done and the rest of the medication destroyed.

    I will have my doc add a note to my chart that I am NEVER to be prescribed oral prednisone again. gawd what a HORRIBLE 6 days this has been.

    tommorrow pick up the peices, get back my life, feels like I have been gone a years worth of time.

    thanks to all who spoke to us through this. It helped to have my family here talking to me too.

    much love and honor

    Tcos
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
  • *********************************** ********************************** ***** **************************** ********************** ********************* * ****


    and Kudos to Boots for keeping us safe as long as she did. She is 7 years old btw. She is the alter that mans the night shift. She is consious while I sleep.


    She pointed out she should be given topside (100% control) of us during the day. Her reasoning being she is used to functioning in the dreamtime and the fluid craziness of dreams. She felt safe to function in what was "familiar" territory so to speak.


    It worked. She got less stressed then the rest of us.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    washedaway replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Glad to hear you made it through and that you are done with that med. Good job vocalizing what you needed from your hubby to stay safe.
    Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
    It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz
     
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    slik_kitty responded:
    so proud of you for asking for help. that is a very big step.
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    [TRIGGER]
  • *********************************************************** ******************************* ************************************ **************************TRIGGER************************

    Bedtime update.

    ************Sexual Abuse trigger as well.*******************

    While the medication had waned I was still having effects when we went to bed. I tossed and turned till hubby asked what he could do. I told him I would be able to sleep if he punched me. The thought of him just punching me repeatedly seemed to calm me.

    He offered to spank me, to take the edge off the urge.

    and I almost accepted then realized I had to fight that urge. It was important NOT to give in to the "throw me on the bed and rape me" urges That abuse of the power is just as damaging to me as actual injuring.

    Ste was EXTREMELY triggered by the medication with lead to an elevated arousal with the body. The awful kind of "oh bleeping hell I am going to be raped...just get it over with so I can get on with my day already" pre-traumatic stress reaction.

    I surprised myself, because I was able to communicate with hubby and tell him this, that I am NOT able to keep myself safe, and that even though the medication part id over I am STILL in GRAVE danger of hurting myself over all this stuff post car accident.

    I was dead set on not putting ANYTHING medication wise in my body last night, but hubby and I decided to medicate with ativan to help me get away from the urges and try to get some sleep.

    Not feeling safe to leave the bed I asked him to come down and make sure I just took 2 ativan. He walked with me and kept me safe until I was back in bed wrapped up in his arms. I was able to sleep them.

    I am absolutely flabbergasted how well my system handled this prednisone night mare. I spoke up, I spoke out, I made my safety/health the main priority, I did good. We are exhausted and will probably hide today under the covers with our little one and watch poke-mon movies all morning, but we deserve it.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    off_the_wall replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Good job taking care of yourself and reaching out to your husband for help. You are right, you deserve to relax today.
     
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    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    So proud of you!!! For all of it, Paja and all.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
     
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    besmith75 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    YAY FOR PAJA!!!! That Prednisone is nasty nasty stuff. I'm so proud of you for being able to open yourself up to hubby like that. And it sounds like you have a wonderful hubby. Keep it up! Stay strong! And breathe! (And do it all with olives on your fingers if that helps)

    B
     
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    lostkate replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Wow, I am sooo proud of you. Your determination to keep safe and speaking up when you needed it the most. You inspire me, you always have. Stay strong, stay safe.

    Kate


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