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It never gets better (possible trigger)
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off_the_wall posted:
[TRIGGER] Possible trigger -------/-----------//////------------------------



I just feel like I can't stand this another second. I feel so horrible all the time, I just don't know what to do. I try to distract myself and my daughter keeps me super busy but I just am so freakin depressed. It never goes away, never improved, never gets better. When I was pregnant with my daughter, mentally I felt pretty much the best I ever have. It's just the way the pregnancy hormones affected me. So I was counting on it this time around too but nope, I feel just awful. I am so alone. I have no one to talk to. My husband cancelled out credit card so the T can't keep charging us for services we aren't receiving, so the kind of " help" in the way of therapy is definitely not an option for me. Which was my decision but I still hurt so bad over it. My daughter continues to point to my injuries and say "Boo boo". That breaks my heart. I don't want her to see Mama with hurts. That has kept me from continuing to do more damage but without cutting I am really feeling desperate and just don't have the skills to deal with all of this. I don't know what to do. It never gets better.
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Kate_Te responded:
OTW-
It does get better, just way too slowly for most of us! What I have to do when I'm really down, is do something, anything. Actions allow me to distract. Can you take P to the beach or the park? Can you sit down and color with her? When doing these things, just keep saying in your head "I'm coloring with P, or We're watching the waves" or something. You have to break the loop in your head of how depressing things are. You do it one moment at a time. Then string together enough moments and you end up having a good day!
Hang in there OTW (((hugs)))

Kate_Te
 
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off_the_wall replied to Kate_Te's response:
I just don't feel like it does get better though. I have been dealing with this my entire life and it's just not any better. And I am trying to distract myself (for P's benefit, not my own)- beach yesterday, aquarium today- but it doesn't help. I feel miserable. I should have stuck with DBT despite hating it, I might have actually learned something. I'm so stupid.
 
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jankearney123 replied to off_the_wall's response:
kate te is right. I forget too otw because i often feel exactly what you are describing and of course because you're emotionally detached and physically detached from people it makes it even worse.
when my kids were little it was very hard because i didn't connect with anyone really even tho when they were 3 they were in a parent participation preschool. The one good thing about that preschool is I learned parenting skills for little kids! which was a god send because i was pretty clueless.

Ya know whose to say you couldn't go and complete the dbt classes. I know how much you said you hated it but the thing is therapy is not easy. I think we get an idea of something in our head and it becomes a fact when perhaps its nota fact. well i gotta tend to husbands demands on business so i'll try to write more later.

you could always go back to dbt ya know. people do what you do all the time. the instructors are used to it.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to off_the_wall's response:
In addition to what Kate and Fran said, you can also go to your DBT workbooks and start working on them, little step by little step.

Some tough love for you, OTW... the reason it's not better is likely because you continue to do the same things to deal with it all and they've never worked. Stepping outside your comfort zone to go to DBT class and a bit of therapy was so scary, I know, and I hope that one day (if not soon) you can return to that. In the meantime, do all that you can to keep working on all of this.

You're not stupid. I would never ever describe you as 'stupid'. You are scared and that's understandable. You will get there because you need to, if not for yourself, then for your little ones. ((((softhugs))))
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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off_the_wall replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Kate, Fran, and Caprice- thank you each so much for responding to me and with your thoughtful advice. I have felt so unheard, so invisible lately that just your responses mean the world to me. I know I can't go back to DBT, I've burnt that bridge. And even when I was in DBT, looking through the workbook on my own did nothing but trigger me. So, unless I'm looking for a reason to trigger myself, I don't know if that's a good idea. Caprice, you are right that I want to get better for my daughter but I guess I just don't know how. Makes me wonder if she would be better off without me but selfishly I never want to be apart from her.
 
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Kate_Te replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW-

The reason the distractions aren't working is because you remain detached from what you are doing. It's why I suggested you repeat over & over in your head "I'm doing ____". If you allow your mind to, it will always return to the negative. It's how we are wired. To truly distract, you have to put your mind into what you are doing & for people like us, we need to keep telling ourselves we are doing ____. It allows us to break the cycle in our heads. I can only speak for myself, but this does work for me.

((OTW))
Kate_Te
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to off_the_wall's response:
I agree with Kate about needing to change the habit of thinking negatively and doing so very consciously.

If the DBT workbook isn't your style, consider looking into the book and workbook from David Burns called 'Feeling Good' (I think). Many members on these boards have recommended it and it uses cognitive behavioral therapy ideas to help you change your own thinking. It takes a lot of practice and will feel very unnatural for some time, but it can be a step in the right direction.

Your daughter will not be better off without you. She will always need you in her life.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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off_the_wall replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I guess maybe I don't really want to change. I went to DBT and therapy thinking I did but then all I did was resist it all. As you have all said, to change you have to work for it and I have proven I am unwilling to do so. 31 years of wanting to change and now I realize I have never changed because I'm obviously lying to myself. Obviously I don't want to change. That would be easier to accept if I didn't hate the way that I am.
 
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lostkate replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW, change is very hard, it will not happen over night. I wish it did, it would make my life soooo easy.

Havent been so happy with myself lately either, it would be easy to accept if I didnt want to change but there are times I feel all I want to do is change.

(((OTW)))

Kate
 
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SoCalMSG responded:
hi off the wall, i am fairly new here but getting to know other members a little me. i try to check in with this community at least twice a week. regrettably, i dont have a ton of time right now as i need to start preparing dinner, but i didnt want to walk away from the computer before leaving at least a short response to your message. off the wall, you are NOT alone. it broke my heart when i read that. i know we dont know eachother and chances are we live very far apart, but my heart goes out to you in every sense of the word. i absolutely know how you feel when you say you feel so alone. there are people out there who care about you, friends and family, and even us fellow virtual community members our here in cyberspace. guess what? one of just a couple of reasons i joined this community was to feel less alone. so fat it has been somewhat helpful. definately cant take the place of having someone sit right beside you, but it does help to fellowship with others who are in or have been in a similar predicament. i also know the devasting emotional effect on the heart when a loved one sees ur injuries. : ( i am right there with you on that one for sure. it sounds like there was an issue with your T. would u be ok with sharing about that? is your husband against you getting professional help? again, sorry to make this short, but i have to get dinner on. please keep us posted. hugs to you, off the wall. -SoCalMSG
 
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SoCalMSG replied to SoCalMSG's response:
ok..........this is totally embarrassing but i just re-read my post and realized there are like 5 typos, so................sorry !! LOL. Hopefully you get the gist of what i was trying to convey. again, appologies for the lame typos!
 
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off_the_wall replied to lostkate's response:
Kate, all I keep hearing from everyone lately is how hard change is. And of course I believe it because it feels too hard to me. I wish I were as determined as you are.
 
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off_the_wall replied to SoCalMSG's response:
SoCal- thank you very much for understanding and letting me know I'm not alone. I'm really not sure what I would do without this community. I spend the vast majority of my days associating with no one other than my husband and 1 1/2 year old daughter so I feel lonely pretty often. I have bad social anxiety problems. Because of my social anxiety problems, I find it nearly impossible to get help in the form of therapy. This past time the t I had was a student who didn't know how to help me and was clueless about SH. After running out of her office in tears after only being there about 20 minutes for two sessions in a row I decided I wasn't going back. My husband was supportive of me getting help until he saw how much worse it was making me and then he changed his mind and helped me come to the decision not to continue.
 
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besmith75 replied to off_the_wall's response:
I'm going to guess (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that Kate's determination (which I also admire) didn't happen overnight. Change IS hard. I have quite the laundry list of problems & issues & I don't even see a T yet. I haven't felt ready. I guess that I am also scared. But I know that deep down inside the change has to come from me. I have to face my issues and do what needs to be done in order for me to be healthy. And I'm getting there. In a way, I know where you're at because I'm also trying to find my way. You can do it, OTW. You need to find your way from within. That's where the determination lies. You are a strong person. Strong enough to bare all on this board. Use that strength to heal. We all believe in you. ((((hugs))))

B


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