Self Harm Community

[TRIGGER] Hey Everyone, hope all is well with everyone. It has been awhile since I have posted but something came up the other night and I should have reached out then. This is a monumentous trigger for me, so please don't read any further if you feeling vulnerable yourself. My apologies in advance for any discomfort from this post, but I didn;t have anywhere else to turn......


TRIGGER


I was raped in high school, by a friend. It's been about ten years, and for the most part I feel I have dealt with it the best I can. Two nights ago my boyfriend K stormed in while I was in the shower to tell me that a good friend of his was raped. She only knows a few details of what the criminal looks like and she is obviously still in shock. I stayed calm throughout the news and did not bring up my own experience- even though that is the first place my mind went. I reassured him to go to her place (she had other friends there too) and be supportive - she most definitely needs it. He did of course, and then my own mix of emotions set in.

I wanted him home, holding me. I didn't feel safe, not only from intruders but from myself. I believe that is when my own SHing got worse and when I took up drinking heavily (among other things).So that night, I put on a comedy, ate ice cream and tried to relax myself to sleep. It was a rough- until he came home and I felt a lot better. But this is obviously not ok.

K and I talked last night about it. He actually had forgotten or purposely pushed down that I had ever been put in that kind of terrible situation. He admitted that, and that brought about a very protective and tense set of emotions in him. Protective of me, his friend, and any other woman close in his life (as of course all potential vicitims). I said she would eventually be ok and she would heal - though probably not fully. And then he kind of shocked me by asking If I had.

I haven't thought about this in a very long time, and for good reason. I thought about the question, and honestly answered - no. But I have come a long way, it eventually is no longer a part of your daily life. You no longer fight yourself to not remember it. But times like these make it burn inside of me. The pain that is brought it up, and the memories of the following morning, the following days, people a talked to and those I didnt, the isolation and juvenile tactics I took in coping with it. the memory of my little sister telling me she was a victim of a neighbor friend we were so close to as kids. And she never said anything to anyone until years later. The thoughts of K's friend, of any other woman who has been violated in such a manner (and men).

I had said that these things happen. K of course immediatly shut that down and said no- these things dont and arent supposed to happen. But I realize girls are told these wild statistics of 1 in 4 women becoming a victim before adulthood. I can appreciate the awareness, but is also imparts a certain feeling of acceptance. As if, I was meant to be a victim. Now, I like to believe I know better. That I had done nothing to deserve that treatment- but days like these make me question that.

I am not looking for sympathy exactly, I just needed to get this out of me. Put it somewhere other than my mind, before I put it on myself so to speak. I have come so far to put this out of mind, and here it is. Right back in the front of it. Thank you so much for letting me vent. I could ramble on but I am at work (sssshhh) and it's lunch. Sending love to all of you