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just need to write (probably a trigger)
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washedaway posted:
[TRIGGER] I need to get the out of my head and not just on a piece of paper that i will be the only one to ever read. putting it somewhere that is still hidden is not good enough right now

i don't get how anyone could possibly care about me...it any way...i am a worthless pile of crap, i am ugly, fat, stupid, lazy

it has been 6 months since i cut...but in the last 2 weeks i have started strictly limiting my food intake...i've never really had an ED before but with how i feel right now...i could...it's just another way to hurt myself and control my pain...and one that i can mostly get away with. i'm not going to lie...i'm super overweight and the 10+ lbs i've lost in the last 2 weeks is incredibly motivating to keep me not eating. on top of this, i'm diabetic, and on insulin...today my blood sugar dropped into the "low" range...and i could barely choke down a single piece of candy to keep it from getting lower...i hate that my body can just turn on me at any given time

i feel like i don't matter anywhere and won't matter anywhere ever

i want to do something, anything, to hurt myself right now.

i need to be seen...and i need to be told the truth...if i am not wanted here, please tell me...i feel like everyone in my life lies to me about wanting me around, caring about me, etc...so please don't lie to me...i can't take it any more. (they probably aren't lying...i just can't believe they honestly care)

not that i am worth...well...anything...but if you got this far...thanks
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz
Reply
 
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jankearney123 responded:
[TRIGGER] K,

I really really do like you! I'm not pretending! I was told yesterday that I am the person the most that this therapist has ever had that hates myself. So I really do get it.

I'm very fat. 270lbs. and 5'10" so i look like a giant bigfoot coming down the way!

K, I've done the same thing you're doing with restricting food and too lost some quick weight but let me tell you anorexia is not the way! I had a freind who was extremely into her ED anorexia nuervosa to be exact. she was exactly my height and weighed 117 lbs. she had heart surgery because of this disorder and had a huge scar that showed venomously. she also had to have her large intestine taken out which caused her to not be able to eat much of anything worth eating because if she ate anything even similiar to normal she would become the size of a 9 month pregnant woman and end up as i found out later on purpose doing this to herself because she was addicted to morphine~! she has no veins left for an iv except one in her foot. i don't know what they do once you have no more veins? I could go on and on but i won't. you get the picture.

If you want to loose weight to make yourself like you more why not go about it a healthier way? I've figured out i can't do it on my own so i'm seeing a weight doc at the end of hte month.

I rotted my stomach out (have gerd) so bad from not eating and starving myself ...............It's not worth a life to go into a coma because you're headed for one you keep doing this.
you best have some cans of oj with you or coke so you don't go into a coma! My dad did and its' not real fun to watch he almost died 5 x's when i was 10 years old! he talked of the white light and tunnel.

How can we help you? I know for me I want to know that from somebody that if i dress up and put on makeup and really make an effort they tell me i look nice.

you are worthy! You have always been kind on this board from what i've observed and you have a real gentleness about you. Keep up the good work. Now its time to take that kindness and gentleness and put it toward yourself ok?!

If I met you and saw you were heavy 1 out of 3 americans are! ya know so you're not alone! I'd still hug you and tell you how nice you looked because i wouldn't I'm just sure of it be telling you a story!~

BELIEVE
 
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off_the_wall responded:
Hi K! I like you a lot! And I am definitely not just saying that! I find you to be extremely kind, intelligent, and hard working. Definitely not lazy! How could you have accomplished all that you have if you were lazy? Impossible! I understand restricting food as a way to SH because I too have been there. It sounds especially dangerous for you with your diabetes. Please allow yourself to eat and take good care of yourself. You are worth that and so much more whether you are able to believe it or not. (((K)))
 
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slik_kitty responded:
I see you and you are worthy. you are worth a whole lot more than you think you are. you are a kind person with a big heart and i want you to stick around. hugs if ok.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
I see you and I like you. You are always wanted and welcome here.

Please take steps to take better care of your physical health. As an insulin dependent diabetic, you cannot afford to play around with this. And if you eat healthy to control your diabetes, even with using insulin, you will lose weight anyway, but in a much healthier manner.

(I have many in my family who are diabetic, both type 1 and 2, some insulin dependent and some not. Please keep yourself safe, dear one.)
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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lostkate responded:
I see you and hear you, you are worth something to me. I do the same with food and struggle everyday with it. I know the pain you feel. You are worth it. Please be careful with intake of food especially being diabetic. It could be very dangerous.

hugs
Kate
 
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washedaway responded:
Thanks everyone...i am doing better...being more careful with my blood sugar. still want to SH...but generally better.

Thank you all for seeing me...and for caring
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz
 
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Kate_Te replied to washedaway's response:
Washed Away -
You and I have not spoken much, but whenever I see one of your posts it is always thoughtful and caring. I appreciate you being a valued member of this community & hope you can see that for yourself.

Kate Te


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