Self Harm Community

So, there should be great fanfare and laughter and delight that after three years, my brother and his girlfriend have finally committed to each other and are getting married. He asked her to marry him with a 1.76 carat round brilliant-cut solitaire, They've taken pictures. Apparently, from the pictures, my brother is also wearing an engagement ring (blue stone, but I think the whole guy's engagement ring is cool).

She's an only child. I've never had a sister. But then again, I've never even met her. (I mentioned that many months ago.) I have since invited the both of them to come up and see me in Maine and I'd love to show them my coast and my state and the beauty of the Northeast. My brother's only been here once, and that was when he was a freshman in HS. He hasn't seen a lot that I'd like to just take them to -- a cozy little inlet, the massive beauty of the Atlantic, the ferry to Nova Scotia, the blazing beauty of a New England fall, a meandering trail along the harbor in town.

Their proclaiming their love has doubly underlined my aloneness. As they do all the stuff I so giddily wanted to do myself -- announcements, pictures, keepsakes, planning for a wedding -- I am reminded again and again of how very, very alone I am. I haven't kissed someone since the very first days of 2003 when I kissed my then-fiance goodbye. In the years since Eric (my now ex-fiance) and I split, I have been on exactly one date. I tried to allow myself to be loved -- but he turned out to be a wacko (and began to stalk me). I attempted to "date" someone back in Kansas but then he started swearing that we were soulmates on our first date. Since then, there have been the odd guys that I'd meet in the hospital (and THAT'S NOT A PLACE you want to pick one up, believe me).

And it leaves me tired, alone, and sad.

And I am sad and tired so I want to be alone.

So I feel more tired, alone, and sad.

They are getting what I wanted (have wanted, still do want) for so long. I'm older so I should have done this years ago (I had the chance and then promptly threw it away... though I don't know if "promptly" is the proper adjective). I could have lived with Eric. We could have made it work had we married sooner than we did ... if only I had simply married him while he was still in grad school and after I had graduated with my B.A. If I had only waited to move and go on to law school. If I had only waited for him so I could lean on him during that time instead of being half a continent apart. The long-distance nature of a two-year relationship tore us apart. And every day I lament it. "Why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that?" And yes, maybe all those months ago when someone mentioned that I was jealous of my brother, yes, maybe I am.

Yes, I want what he has. Yes, I want a relationship that I can share with someone and be appreciated for who and what I am. I want someone who will respect and understand as well as be someone to laugh with and be attracted to. For a long time, I was so absorbed with the Kay thing that I didn't think I could be attracted to someone else, and now that I look back on it, no, I don't think I could have been with someone else since I was so fiercely attracted to her. (I think I'm a "one attraction at a time" person.)

But now there is a young (yes, young, very young, uncomfortably young) man who is at my pharmacy whose entire face lights up when he sees me. I like his looks, I like him as a person. And it's up to me to take the first steps, isn't it?

Then today, I go to the pharmacy, turn in my prescriptions, ask him if he'd like to go out and grab a pizza this weekend, and see what happens... The worst that can happen is that he says no and it's awkward getting my prescriptions there.

I used to have these skills but they have rusted from disuse.