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Life (triggers)
Off_The_Wall posted:
[TRIGGER] Triggers below ________________________________________
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I am literally going crazy and I just don't know what to do. I am so conflicted. On the one hand I have a beautiful daughter who I love so much and another baby on the way. I care about them more than I care about life itself and I feel like I would do anything for them. On the other hand, like last night, I really did just want to kill myself. And I just feel awful the majority of the time. I know things are good in my life. I guess mental illness is kind of like having the flu.... even if everything else in your life is good, if you have the flu nothing feels good. That's how I feel and it sucks. I want to enjoy this time with my little girl. I want to enjoy being pregnant with my second baby girl. But my broken brain isn't letting me enjoy it, in fact it's barely letting me survive it. I have tried over and over again to get help but nothing helps. I wish I knew what to do. All I can seem to do is just keep fighting to survive....
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I am literally going crazy and I just don't know what to do. I am so conflicted. On the one hand I have a beautiful daughter who I love so much and another baby on the way. I care about them more than I care about life itself and I feel like I would do anything for them. On the other hand, like last night, I really did just want to kill myself. And I just feel awful the majority of the time. I know things are good in my life. I guess mental illness is kind of like having the flu.... even if everything else in your life is good, if you have the flu nothing feels good. That's how I feel and it sucks. I want to enjoy this time with my little girl. I want to enjoy being pregnant with my second baby girl. But my broken brain isn't letting me enjoy it, in fact it's barely letting me survive it. I have tried over and over again to get help but nothing helps. I wish I knew what to do. All I can seem to do is just keep fighting to survive....
19 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)Triggers below ________________________________________<br />____________________________________________________<br />____________________________________________________<br /><br />I am literally going crazy and I just don't know what to do. I am so conflicted. On the one hand I have a beautiful daughter who I love so much and another baby on the way. I care about them more than I care about life itself and I feel like I would do anything for them. On the other hand, like last night, I really did just want to kill myself. And I just feel awful the majority of the time. I know things are good in my life. I guess mental illness is kind of like having the flu.... even if everything else in your life is good, if you have the flu nothing feels good. That's how I feel and it sucks. I want to enjoy this time with my little girl. I want to enjoy being pregnant with my second baby girl. But my broken brain isn't letting me enjoy it, in fact it's barely letting me survive it. I have tried over and over again to get help but nothing helps. I wish I knew what to do. All I can seem to do is just keep fighting to survive.... <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/frown.gif" align="top" border="0">
Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
(((((OTW)))))
One day you will find a therapist you can talk to without it being an agonizing ordeal. There is hope that it won't always be like this, dear one.
(Have you ever looked into online therapy ? I believe there are some legitimate ones out there and there's reason to think these can be helpful to those who otherwise can't do one-on-one therapy for whatever reason.)
We're not giving up on you and don't you let yourself give up on yourself. Continue to take steps to take care of your little ones' mom.
One day you will find a therapist you can talk to without it being an agonizing ordeal. There is hope that it won't always be like this, dear one.
(Have you ever looked into online therapy ? I believe there are some legitimate ones out there and there's reason to think these can be helpful to those who otherwise can't do one-on-one therapy for whatever reason.)
We're not giving up on you and don't you let yourself give up on yourself. Continue to take steps to take care of your little ones' mom.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)(((((OTW)))))<br /><br />One day you will find a therapist you can talk to without it being an agonizing ordeal. There is hope that it won't always be like this, dear one.<br /><br />(Have you ever looked into <a href="http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-online-help-safe">online therapy</a> ? I believe there are some legitimate ones out there and there's reason to think these can be helpful to those who otherwise can't do one-on-one therapy for whatever reason.)<br /><br />We're not giving up on you and don't you let yourself give up on yourself. Continue to take steps to take care of your little ones' mom.
Off_The_Wall replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
If no one can help me in person, I don't see how they could help me online. I already think most therapist don't truly give a s___t but are just there to get your money..... how much easier would that be for them online where they can be surfing the internet or doing whatever they really want to be doing while you sit there pouring your heart out to them. Thanks for the suggestion Caprice, but trust is one of my biggest issues and I don't think I could trust that kind of a situation.
I don't see how I can keep hoping that it won't always be like this for me when it's ALWAYS been like this.
I don't see how I can keep hoping that it won't always be like this for me when it's ALWAYS been like this.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)If no one can help me in person, I don't see how they could help me online. I already think most therapist don't truly give a s___t but are just there to get your money..... how much easier would that be for them online where they can be surfing the internet or doing whatever they really want to be doing while you sit there pouring your heart out to them. Thanks for the suggestion Caprice, but trust is one of my biggest issues and I don't think I could trust that kind of a situation. <br /><br />I don't see how I can keep hoping that it won't always be like this for me when it's ALWAYS been like this.
Off_The_Wall replied to Off_The_Wall's response:
[TRIGGER] Trigger _________________________________
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Sitting here cutting my wrist. Feel better. But I know I'm an idiot.
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Sitting here cutting my wrist. Feel better. But I know I'm an idiot.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)Trigger _________________________________<br />____________________________________________<br />____________________________________________<br /><br />Sitting here cutting my wrist. Feel better. But I know I'm an idiot. <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/frown.gif" align="top" border="0">
MandyCake responded:
OTW, Have you consulted with your OB/GYN doctor? Could the depression you are currently experiencing be hormonal? Even if you already have depression and feel it's just gotten worse, please, please, please, mention this to your Doctor.
When you feel like giving up, just think of your babies that you will do anything for... including live...
When you feel like giving up, just think of your babies that you will do anything for... including live...
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)OTW, Have you consulted with your OB/GYN doctor? Could the depression you are currently experiencing be hormonal? Even if you already have depression and feel it's just gotten worse, please, please, please, mention this to your Doctor. <br /> <br />When you feel like giving up, just think of your babies that you will do anything for... including live...
OTW
If I could be there I'd hug you til it hurt. I just wish that the therapy of sharing on here was more beneficial to you. I wish I could give you more than cyber hugs.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((OTW))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
If I could be there I'd hug you til it hurt. I just wish that the therapy of sharing on here was more beneficial to you. I wish I could give you more than cyber hugs.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((OTW))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)OTW<br />If I could be there I'd hug you til it hurt. I just wish that the therapy of sharing on here was more beneficial to you. I wish I could give you more than cyber hugs.<br />((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((OTW))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Off_The_Wall replied to Kate_Te's response:
[TRIGGER] Possible trigger _______________________________
Thank you Mandy and Kate.
Definitely don't want the OB/GYN doctor finding out because I figure best case scenario is she recommends therapy (which I won't even consider now or ever but it's especially not even an option for me right now since I'm still paying the B for services I'm not receiving) and worst case scenario I fear could be something along the lines of notifying CPS even though I would never do anything to endanger my babies. Sooo, her finding out would not be helpful to me. I know she sees the scars but actually hasn't mentioned them, probably because nothing visible to her is new.
Just hate this. Really. Wanting to SI more.
I'm sorry, I know yall have your own things you're dealing with and I just sit here all self-centered....
Thank you Mandy and Kate.
Definitely don't want the OB/GYN doctor finding out because I figure best case scenario is she recommends therapy (which I won't even consider now or ever but it's especially not even an option for me right now since I'm still paying the B for services I'm not receiving) and worst case scenario I fear could be something along the lines of notifying CPS even though I would never do anything to endanger my babies. Sooo, her finding out would not be helpful to me. I know she sees the scars but actually hasn't mentioned them, probably because nothing visible to her is new.
Just hate this. Really. Wanting to SI more.
I'm sorry, I know yall have your own things you're dealing with and I just sit here all self-centered....
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)Possible trigger _______________________________<br /><br />Thank you Mandy and Kate.<br /><br />Definitely don't want the OB/GYN doctor finding out because I figure best case scenario is she recommends therapy (which I won't even consider now or ever but it's especially not even an option for me right now since I'm still paying the B for services I'm not receiving) and worst case scenario I fear could be something along the lines of notifying CPS even though I would never do anything to endanger my babies. Sooo, her finding out would not be helpful to me. I know she sees the scars but actually hasn't mentioned them, probably because nothing visible to her is new.<br /><br />Just hate this. Really. Wanting to SI more.<br /><br />I'm sorry, I know yall have your own things you're dealing with and I just sit here all self-centered....
Kate_Te replied to Off_The_Wall's response:
OTW-
NEVER apologize for posting your issues on here. It's what the board is for. We all have issues. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here.
Have you ever had any luck with the crisis lines? I realize your objections to therapy, just wondered if the anonymous-ness of the crisis line would help or not? Either way, keep posting if it helps.
(((((OTW)))))
p.s. if the cyber hugs don't help you, I'll stop, I just want you to know how much I care about you & your babies.
NEVER apologize for posting your issues on here. It's what the board is for. We all have issues. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here.
Have you ever had any luck with the crisis lines? I realize your objections to therapy, just wondered if the anonymous-ness of the crisis line would help or not? Either way, keep posting if it helps.
(((((OTW)))))
p.s. if the cyber hugs don't help you, I'll stop, I just want you to know how much I care about you & your babies.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)OTW-<br />NEVER apologize for posting your issues on here. It's what the board is for. We all have issues. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here. <br /><br />Have you ever had any luck with the crisis lines? I realize your objections to therapy, just wondered if the anonymous-ness of the crisis line would help or not? Either way, keep posting if it helps. <br /><br />(((((OTW)))))<br /><br />p.s. if the cyber hugs don't help you, I'll stop, I just want you to know how much I care about you & your babies.
jankearney123 replied to Off_The_Wall's response:
don't think youre self sentered. have you ever thought of trying a self help book? i'll tell ya as far as the dbt goes it really is helpful but if you were learning the marsha linehan book (personally i think it sucks) I was introduced to this condensed version of dbt in a diary form of what kinds of skills they are very simply put and easy to understand and then there is a diary at the back of the book to check what skills you've used so you can hold yourself accountable.
the name of hte book is the dialectical behavior therapy diary by matthew McKay and Jeffrey c. wood.
i'll try to take my own advice. like they say in aa keep comin back and work it ......... even if you could just pick one thing like playing my 15 mins game or do a distress tolerance skill and keep at it all day ...............i only know how well how hard this is. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. i thought maybe too it might be worse because of being hormonal with the pregnancy
the name of hte book is the dialectical behavior therapy diary by matthew McKay and Jeffrey c. wood.
i'll try to take my own advice. like they say in aa keep comin back and work it ......... even if you could just pick one thing like playing my 15 mins game or do a distress tolerance skill and keep at it all day ...............i only know how well how hard this is. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. i thought maybe too it might be worse because of being hormonal with the pregnancy
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)<i>don't think youre self sentered. have you ever thought of trying a self help book? i'll tell ya as far as the dbt goes it really is helpful but if you were learning the marsha linehan book (personally i think it sucks) I was introduced to this condensed version of dbt in a diary form of what kinds of skills they are very simply put and easy to understand and then there is a diary at the back of the book to check what skills you've used so you can hold yourself accountable.<br />the name of hte book is the dialectical behavior therapy diary by matthew McKay and Jeffrey c. wood.<br />i'll try to take my own advice. like they say in aa keep comin back and work it ......... even if you could just pick one thing like playing my 15 mins game or do a distress tolerance skill and keep at it all day ...............i only know how well how hard this is. i'm sorry you're having a hard time. i thought maybe too it might be worse because of being hormonal with the pregnancy</i>
Off_The_Wall replied to jankearney123's response:
Kate and Fran, I appreciate it so much. Thank you. I have no idea what I would do without you both and others here. I would be so alone so even though I feel awful, at least I don't feel alone and that helps. Kate, I am actually terrified to talk on the phone so no I've never called a crisis line. And I really do appreciate the hugs, thank you. Fran, I'm sure DBT could help but it's really a triggering subject with me right now because of everything that happened. I'm really glad it works for you though. Keep doing what works, Fran. Weird about the pregnancy hormones because when I was pregnant with P I had never felt better. It was amazing and I was so much looking forward to that this time, but apparently I'm not going to feel good this time around.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)Kate and Fran, I appreciate it so much. Thank you. I have no idea what I would do without you both and others here. I would be so alone so even though I feel awful, at least I don't feel alone and that helps. Kate, I am actually terrified to talk on the phone so no I've never called a crisis line. And I really do appreciate the hugs, thank you. Fran, I'm sure DBT could help but it's really a triggering subject with me right now because of everything that happened. I'm really glad it works for you though. Keep doing what works, Fran. Weird about the pregnancy hormones because when I was pregnant with P I had never felt better. It was amazing and I was so much looking forward to that this time, but apparently I'm not going to feel good this time around.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Off_The_Wall's response:
There are many other kinds of books, some more gentle than others. Small steps, OTW, as tiny as you need them to be but those tiny steps can eventually get you to a better place. (((softhugs)))
Please keep yourself safe, dear one.
Please keep yourself safe, dear one.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)There are many other kinds of books, some more gentle than others. Small steps, OTW, as tiny as you need them to be but those tiny steps can eventually get you to a better place. (((softhugs)))<br /><br />Please keep yourself safe, dear one.
Off_The_Wall replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Maybe I've read the wrong books but in the past I have found self help books to actually make me worse (much like therapy seems to do for me.) As a result, the last time I wanted to read one (this past spring when the therapist recommended one), my husband talked me out of reading it because he felt it would be more triggering to me than it would be helpful. I'm sorry Caprice, I know you are just trying to help and all I can do is shoot down every idea you suggest. I just can't seem to handle things and I don't know why. I know that therapy and self help books should actually help a person but for some reason with me they have the opposite effect and send me spiraling.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)Maybe I've read the wrong books but in the past I have found self help books to actually make me worse (much like therapy seems to do for me.) As a result, the last time I wanted to read one (this past spring when the therapist recommended one), my husband talked me out of reading it because he felt it would be more triggering to me than it would be helpful. I'm sorry Caprice, I know you are just trying to help and all I can do is shoot down every idea you suggest. I just can't seem to handle things and I don't know why. I know that therapy and self help books should actually help a person but for some reason with me they have the opposite effect and send me spiraling.
jankearney123 replied to Off_The_Wall's response:
you i think need to take it really slow and really small ........don't read the entire book read 1 or 2 sentences and concentrate on those. it doesn't matter how long it takes to get thru it.............its all a bout the journey otw
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)you i think need to take it really slow and really small ........don't read the entire book read 1 or 2 sentences and concentrate on those. it doesn't matter how long it takes to get thru it.............its all a bout the journey otw
candykissesaresweet replied to jankearney123's response:
it will work. opem yours ears eyes and heart to the the things around you. your are blessed. your are wanted loved wanted and cared for. some of us were not given that blessing love you
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)it will work. opem yours ears eyes and heart to the the things around you. your are blessed. your are wanted loved wanted and cared for. some of us were not given that blessing love you
Off_The_Wall replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
I was not loved, wanted, or cared for all growing up. I was not given that blessing, as you said. Even once my situation improved I still have all kinds of feelings of not deserving to be loved or deserving to be happy and I continue to live every day with untreated mental illness. Yes, I know that I am blessed--- I have a beautiful daughter with another on the way. But you have two children too and you'd rather sit around and say how you are not blessed. I love you too Dem and wish you would look around and find the ways in which you are blessed.
Report This| Share this:Life (triggers)I was not loved, wanted, or cared for all growing up. I was not given that blessing, as you said. Even once my situation improved I still have all kinds of feelings of not deserving to be loved or deserving to be happy and I continue to live every day with untreated mental illness. Yes, I know that I am blessed--- I have a beautiful daughter with another on the way. But you have two children too and you'd rather sit around and say how you are not blessed. I love you too Dem and wish you would look around and find the ways in which you are blessed.
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