Self Harm Community

Hi, I'm new but this seemed like the right place to go. I'm a 37 year old working single mom..........
















And here's my story..................m/b trigger........................................................................................................................


Four years ago this February I found my world turned upside down when I discovered my husband of then 15 years was having an affair. At first I thought and was told that it was just a one night stand, a flirtatious event that had gone too far, but I soon learned the truth. This was the start of my downward spiral. Despite having three kids, a strong religious background and a family that loves me I felt myself loose all grip on sanity. I began cutting for several reasons ranging from desperation, a plea for help, to actually wanting to kill myself. I was angry, depressed, and hurt, not even the thought of my kids could rally me to a fighting state. I lost 40 pounds in just a couple of months, my hair began falling out, I spent days in bed. To say I was depressed would be an understatement.

To keep my family from worrying, I wore hoodies, blamed marks on the cat, and later on work, falling down the steps, and any number of other things to hide my embarrasment of taking on a habit that I viewed as "emo teen drama." (sorry for my ignorance) But no matter how much blood I shed, the physical pain was only a temporary fix to the emotional pain I was going through, and despite all his promises to leave his new love he never did. I had two wake up calls, one that first year in which I took a steak knife and slashed at my wrist in such vengence that it took months for it to heal (a nasty fall down my steps was to blame). The pain and the mutilated flesh were enough to give me pause and to start fighting back. Daily, some times hourly, I had to tell myself that he was not worth it and I would not give her the satisfaction of destroying me. I took up painting and journaling to work through my anger, hurt and frustration, it wasn't as satisfying but it helped and eventually the episodes became less. I was able to feel a little "normal" and start accepting my life.

But with everything its a challenge sometimes and I left the door open, started talking to my still seperated ex. He said he was done, he wanted to come home and I said ok. I was happy, this could work. The weekend that he was supposed to return he backed out, said he was still in love with her and couldn't. That Monday I filed for my divorce. I was struggling with the urge but was so angry that I was stubbornly defiant which can give a person a lot of strength sometimes. But then I saw him with her and I instantly locked myself in my van and took my box cutter (I need it for work) and sliced my wrist so deep that blood began to pool up and my fingers turned cold and lost feeling. Part of me was hoping to finally be done with trying, and hurting and living, but another part said "Oh, crap, what have you done?" Thankfully my ex was there, saw, and helped bandage me up.

That was the last time I have done anything in such a over the edge frame of mind. Now if I take to self harming it is out of frustration instead of pain. I am so angry, so pushed to the edge that I can't stand it. But even these light marks I know have to stop. I now warn my ex when he is triggering the insanity and he leaves me alone. However now I can feel myself grasping at a life raft once again as I am faced with my next challenge, he plans on getting married next summer. The fine marks have showed up again, but I'm better at hiding, I don't allow too many in one spot so as not to raise suspicion (I only recently confided in my Mom as to what I had been doing) Like so many others here you don't want to worry people and I also don't want to lose my kids.

So that's the background and I'm mainly here to keep my strenght and focus to fight the urges as I hang on to the threads of my sanity.