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jankearney123 posted:
Tell us how you're doing and if you're new how you found us here.

Me name is francesca lol. Naw not really. I'm fran. I'm glad i got drunk last night it felt good to let go and just let it be. I may have lost a friend in the deal because her husband wasn't receptive to me at all! and tho i gave her a really nice gift cost me 50.00 i guess i don't matter. She looked down at the floor when she said we'd get together after she got thru with everything that she had goin on. I guess none of us likes rejection. O well. As I've been told i will put my energies towards the people in my life who do care about me. I have a couple.

Today i just feel like sitting around and not doing anything. I am glad i got drunk tho because i'm encouraged to take care of my wounds.
I guess i'm glad their not as bad as i had wanted them to be.

My husband will be home from work here pretty soon and I will be glad.
I'm excited to see him and be with him the rest of the weekend.

How are you and whats goin on for you this weekend?
Reply
 
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MandyCake responded:
(((((TRIGGER)))))))))))

Hi Fran,

I am pleased to hear that today, you are doing okay.

I attended a Walk To End Child Abuse... It was discouraging. Not many turned out for it. A local politician more or less gave a "running for office speach" talking about Hurricaine Irene that hit Vermont a year ago. I think someone should have reminded him that this was a fund raiser for Child Abuse, not Hurricaine Relief. A man there kept following me and talking... mostly about breasts. Talk trigger... so I left. I did however sign the flag with my the word survivor, my name, date of birth to the present.

It is too hot and humid here to do much of anything as it affects my breathing and health...

Maybe If able, I will try reading a mystery book later...

Have a great evening Fran... Keep on Keeping on. Hugs...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Hi Fran, Hi Bonnie -

Fran I'm glad you are feeling better. Bonnie, I'm sorry your walk didn't work out, but applaud you for doing it.

I am feeling kinda down tonight. No one called all day. I know, I can call others but I just didn't have the energy. It just reinforces in my mind that no one cares. I know, people have their own lives & it's my disease talking, but I just feel ALONE.

Think I'm going to go to bed soon. Have no plans for tomorrow.

Kate_Te
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
[TRIGGER] (((TRIGGER)))


Hi Kate_Te,

Wow... I do not know if it was a moon phase or what but I hear you about feeling ALONE.

Last night, out of the blue, this feeling overcame me as well, I sat and cried for hours, called a Peer Hotline, no one answered and I kept getting a message to call back, then I numbed out. I guess in my disconnected state I called someone and gave them good phone sex... at least that is what their thank you message in my voice mail said this a.m.

The urge to SH is really powerful at the moment. I've tried distracting myself with cleaning... (I get a bit OCD about it) and found myself after sweeping and mopping the floors, using tape to pick up dust, etc and sat and cried because no matter how much I cleaned, everything, myself included, felt dirty...

I do not know what is worse, losing my mind or knowing that I am losing my mind... I think I'll go in the woods and escape my apartment...

I hope you wake up to a good morning. No plans sounds good...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to MandyCake's response:
I'm here...

After about three weeks of in-and-out and then finally in (for a long time) the hospital, this is the first weekend I've had in quite a while I've had to myself. It's early Sunday morning here, and I will be leaving shortly to go to my volunteer job at the SPCA and help with the kitties and the doggies. I'm learning how to care for the dogs to help out the one staff member they have -- he's seriously stressed. And then I handle the reception area when we open at 11.

It's scary to be out here in the "real world" mostly by myself. There are so many things to be upset about and many more to trigger. But I'm trying to do the things that got me through several good months -- distracting, self-soothing, meditation. And my Savannah helps so much. I love her to pieces. I am glad I'm going to the SPCA today because it helps me to help other creatures that are helpless.

I'm crampy and grumpy today... guess why... *sigh*
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Bonnie -

Have you spoken to your Pdoc about these dissociative states? I know that some sleep meds can cause them, ambian for example. Don't assume you're going crazy before you check out all the other possibilities.

I hope your walk in the woods was nice. I can only do that when I go visit my brother (he lives in the adirondacks, I live by albany. I love the woods and the whole atmosphere up there, but since I don't drive it would be impossible to live there. (no public transportation). At least I get to visit.

I hope your day gets better.

Kate_Te
 
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Kate_Te replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
LLT -

SPCA sounds like such fun. Helping dogs & cats. I hope you enjoy yourself - you deserve a good day!!!!!

Kate_Te
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
(((((TRIGGER)))))))))

Hi Kate_Te,

I do not take sleep meds... I tend to be "med phobic." I also view sleep as an enemy, makes me vulnerable and of course, nightmares... Lately however, I have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep (broken up, not usually all at once) which is more then I tend to get unless really ill. Then I could sleep for days.

My pdoc, therapist, psych all state I am not crazy, that my disassociation is all part of my Complex PTSD and that "it makes sense after living through all that I have." Well, to me, it doesn't make sense and to me, I truly feel crazy.

I walked in the woods and made myself ill from it as it is hot and humid out. It triggered my lung issues, heart, fibro, and the vertigo real bad. (sigh) This is so hard for me to handle. I hate not being able to be active without all of these issues.

I love the adirondacks and catskills. Near Albany there are many beautiful area's as well. Do they not have the train anymore? It's a shame as nature is what I love.

In my disassociative state, it seems I also used the money for my car loan payment this month and bought groceries and staples for 2 tenants in my building that were in need as they just came to my apartment to thank me and tell me they will pay me back when they are able to??? So now, I have no money for my car payment but I did do something nice in helping those who needed help, I guess...

Since July it seems my disassociation has been more acute rather than chronic. To many triggers I suppose.

I feel myself slipping away again so I'll log off for now.

LLT, Any animal cause is great by me!!! Bless you for being there for these furbabies.

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...
 
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freesprit21 replied to MandyCake's response:
think i am here ha ha. i have lttle three and half weeks until my birthday.fingers crossed i should be om my computer Bonnie you@ i are like when It Comes to sleep. do you ever try herbal teas that make you sleep?
 
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jankearney123 replied to freesprit21's response:
hi everyone..................I'm sorry First of all Bonnie that you're dissassociating so severly. I've been like that about 15 years ago not as severe tho and i do understand how that feels. I still disassociate under a lot of stress but i can usually recognize i'm going and bring myself back.

Kate-te..........I know i feel the same way cuz i don't get calls either but i did get a text today and made plans to visit with a friend this coming week. You do have to reach out in order to have people come to you silly. It's like if you want a s/o if you don't put yourself out there how would you ever find one?

I know its nighttime now and i'm a day late and a buck short but it was my hope that you'd all ban together and support each other and you have.

Lovely last but certainly not least. You always amaze me girl!
I'm glad that you can go and volunteer to be with your furry friends. That's neato! Good JOB! I

Everyone I know its hard. I have had a bad 3rd day of pain...yesterday was easier and i got drunk. slept 3 hours and really hurt even with pain meds an d tens units on. ice heat everythng i can do plus pt but i lost my exercises.
had such bad injury ended up waiting for a doc for 2 or more hours i lost count i think i don' tremember. i'm feeling really sick so i'm gonna go.
 
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MandyCake replied to jankearney123's response:
(((((((TRIGGER))))))))))))))))))

Hi Fran,

Thank you. My Therapist states I am a Master at disassociation. I discovered that in slipping away last night... That I had cut my arms up yet again. Not deep so they do not require sutures. It seems like I had trouble cutting deep due to scar tissue... And... I engaged in BDSM again. With a male playpartner that I have been switching with these past 2 years.

Thankfully today I have Group Therapy and then I get to spend time with my allergist. My therapist heads up this group for Women with PTSD who self harm. Then tomorrow, I meet with my Therapist for one on one counseling.

I know one of my triggers that has set me off... Of course, I figure it out, after the fact and not before. And that trigger begets others and a downward spiral begins.

Anyhoo... I hope you all have a wonderful day, are able to find time to play, and stay well.

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...
 
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jankearney123 replied to MandyCake's response:
think i need to do a gratitude list i'm gaD THAT you are being taekn care of bonnie with the councelors and groups that you are going to its very hard not to have that knd of support and i'[m glad everyone here is trying their best.
 
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MandyCake replied to jankearney123's response:
Thank you Fran! I am grateful to be here with such loving women.

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...


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