I've been going to group for a couple of months now and I'm trying to transition which is still hard.I have never been with a group that are a couple of years older than me but I figured it would be good and something I need.I haven't open up really about anything yet but no one is pressuring me.We meet three times a week and so far I have learned a lot from them.
Part of me not totally feeling like I can open up is kind of weird.I know that I shouldn't but in a way I sort of see them as the MOMster and Monster(PARENTS)Even though they have never done anything mean or bad to me.That's where I really need to organize my thoughts on to figure out why do I even see these these good group of people similar to the bad ones,it sounds crazy to me.The sooner that gets sorted out then the sooner I can be at ease with those that mean me no harm.
I have always had a bad temper and group has been real helpful when it comes to my anger.At times my anger just goes off the charts like tonight.Was leaving group but need to stop for gas and something to drink.So V followed behind me in her car and when I got there I ran into my ex.When I saw him the bells started going off,red flags was going up and my anger started blooming.He is one of those people that will do something evil and when asked about then he has a case of (CRS)--Can't remember s***.And that's what really makes me angry for real.Cause he's still playing his stupid little games and think it's funny.Every time our paths crosses I'm forced to relive those encounters right at that moment.That's what makes my anger so heavy and active but I have to find another way of expressing my feelings and emotions.
I feel like V was forced to exert all her persuasiveness to calm me down.I get to the point to where taking out my anger becomes more important than breathing.When I can't get to the person or thing that I'm angry with and tonight that's what's fueling the urge for me to just cut until I can't anymore.It's a real beast when you're dealing with so many mental illnesses. I'm go to bed and hope tomorrow is a much better day for me.Some much needed sleep could be helpful so lets hope I'm able to sleep.
I guess no one wants to be burden with any part of me today.I've tried calling,texting and emailing those that I thought I could talk too but nothing.So I put my feelings and emotions away to stay and that switch was hit again.Just in a foul mood since last night so I'm staying in for the rest of the day cause the slightest thing can trigger something off.The switch is very easy to turn but hell turning that sucker back off.Having it on it's easier to just mow over my thoughts and don't truly think too much of them.I can go from being angry to mellow.The things I couldn't do,I can.The things that I stress over don't mean a thing.
The things that I know they just get mow over.I don't worry about dotting all my I's or crossing all my T's.It gives me a chance to mirror what other see and lose the ability to be a person.Don't have to worry finding acceptance of my preference.Nor my inability to apologize for who or what I am to outside people who don't have a clue of nothing.
Don't worry or be concern about any of this.
I hope everyone is having a good day or at least descent one.
I'm glad you posted here about this. You wrote about it all here but have you ever tried writing directly to the person you're angry with, just spewing something all over a page but not actually giving it to that person.
That has sometimes helped me when dealing with anger. I hope others here have some ideas for you too.
I'm glad you're going to group and hope it will help you get a handle on all of this too.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
yeah i have anger issues to....one thing my therapist taught me a while back was to check things out and also to see my part in it cuz we alwyas have some sort of part in everything even if that means how we react to something then that is our part. i'm genrally pretty suspicious so i gotta check things out a lot which means i gotta ask a lot of questions with some people. its hard but when i don't do that i get into trouble.
Don't be sorry it's not your fault.The good thing about that switch is I don't make a big deal about what I'm thinking or feeling.Nothing means nothing,careless as others see it.Didn't mean to bore people with my nonsense but a whole bunch of nothing.I've lost everything and everyone I had so why am I still running and hiding from this person.
I write everyday about whatever I'm going through good and bad.But words,EPO,OR or nothing else doesn't stop this person from physically harming me.Who care right,no big deal it seems to be.I think I need to administer a dose of common sense.
My part in all of this was for me not to express my anger physically.Do things according the right way but it hasn't been working.To keep my distance from this person and avoid places they may be or go the other way if I see him.Doing my part each time just causes things to be worst.So I don't see why I should continue when I have no real force behind me or anything to hold onto.
Sorry I didn't stick to what this board is really for.No worries I have harm myself or anyone else today.
SK I'm sorry if I made things worse for you. Certainly if you're being harmed physically there is no excuse for that EVER! to ANYONE! and you have NO PART in that EVER! VERBAL ABUSE is the same way. The only problem with that is that people don't understand how to use communication properly because they were never taught as children.
I guess for me re reading your post there's a lot that doesn't make sense to me that only you would have the understanding of. Don't give up posting on here because it seems like a nice place and it seems like the people are caring and have good support. I'm really sorry if I didn't get it. Bubbles
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