I've been going to group for a couple of months now and I'm trying to transition which is still hard.I have never been with a group that are a couple of years older than me but I figured it would be good and something I need.I haven't open up really about anything yet but no one is pressuring me.We meet three times a week and so far I have learned a lot from them.
Part of me not totally feeling like I can open up is kind of weird.I know that I shouldn't but in a way I sort of see them as the MOMster and Monster(PARENTS)Even though they have never done anything mean or bad to me.That's where I really need to organize my thoughts on to figure out why do I even see these these good group of people similar to the bad ones,it sounds crazy to me.The sooner that gets sorted out then the sooner I can be at ease with those that mean me no harm.
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I have always had a bad temper and group has been real helpful when it comes to my anger.At times my anger just goes off the charts like tonight.Was leaving group but need to stop for gas and something to drink.So V followed behind me in her car and when I got there I ran into my ex.When I saw him the bells started going off,red flags was going up and my anger started blooming.He is one of those people that will do something evil and when asked about then he has a case of (CRS)--Can't remember s***.And that's what really makes me angry for real.Cause he's still playing his stupid little games and think it's funny.Every time our paths crosses I'm forced to relive those encounters right at that moment.That's what makes my anger so heavy and active but I have to find another way of expressing my feelings and emotions.
I feel like V was forced to exert all her persuasiveness to calm me down.I get to the point to where taking out my anger becomes more important than breathing.When I can't get to the person or thing that I'm angry with and tonight that's what's fueling the urge for me to just cut until I can't anymore.It's a real beast when you're dealing with so many mental illnesses. I'm go to bed and hope tomorrow is a much better day for me.Some much needed sleep could be helpful so lets hope I'm able to sleep.
Thanks for reading my rambling...........