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Just can't take it (trigger)
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off_the_wall posted:
Just can't take it anymore. Have wanted to cry, to have time to grieve my sweet dog, but I just can't because I constantly have to be taking care of a toddler so I have to wipe away the tears and be strong. Then I just posted something on a college football internet forum and people are absolutely attacking me for no reason. Some people are so mean and their words really hurt. I have tried so hard lately not to SH but I'm not sure there's any other option right now. I just hurt deep in my heart right now.
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lovely_lemon_tree responded:
Why be strong, B? Why? Certainly P cries, and she would understand if you cried and explained to her that you're said because Dixie died and wasn't coming back, she would understand. If there's one thing young children understand, it's tears. They are too innocent to have expectations forced on them just yet.

It's even okay if you share the tears. I bet she's feeling sad too. But if you're not crying for Dixie, then she's going to get the same message you got -- it's not okay to cry.

Delete the message. Re-record: it is okay to share tears with my daughter.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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off_the_wall replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Because I want P to know that I am strong for her and am there for her. If I'm melting down then it'd be too hard for me to care for her. I also don't want her to be worried or sad. She's so young, she has no idea about death. When she can't find Dixie now I tell her, "Dixie is sleeping, baby." And she repeats, "Dixie sleeping" and is okay with it. It's me whose heart is breaking.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
Have you ever read (and maybe now is the time to) any books on how to break the news to a child that death has occured. Its an event in everyones life now and forever B. Nothing will ever change that.
It's ok that she knows. Its' not going to scar her. and if she see that you are vunerable then she can be too! she is sweet and innocent of course but you don't have to shield her from life!
life happens and if she learns now that its ok to have emotion then she will learn that she can be ok in her own skin.
I know your heart is breaking and so particularly now you need to take special care of yourself and be good to you. What are a couple self care things you can do for yourself?
You could go to the library and check out a book on how to break the news to P on Dixies death. If you deny your child the opportunity to not have feelings then you deny her the opportunity to learn how to deal with life on lifes terms and experience exactly what you are experiencing right now.

My kids saw me totally ripped to shreds and so messed up i couldn't even form sentences from this mental illness. they turned out ok. my son was different from the moment i carried him in my womb. he is not a bad person. he just has different views than others and he always has even as a child and thats ok. He is a good person even tho i don't have as close a connection as i would like to have with him. He's doing the deal and he's going to be a papa. and he's going to live his own life on his own terms. and as far as my daughter she's living life as it comes up too. on lifes terms. whatever she has to deal with she deals with! I'm actually very proud of both of them!

B, I used to run away from home for a couple weeks at a time and no one new if i'd return. not husband or kids. If i'd kill myself. it was one hellava way to live but i didn't know any differnt i had to run away i was compelled to get out of here.

what can you do to soothe yourself. how can you celebrate dixie. we did a little bit of celebrating here for you and for her with the pizza and raising our glasses to dixie. ask for what you need right now ok? ask hubby to do something for you that you like.

melting down was what i did when i ran away from home. just because you sob and cry really really hard and feel like you're gonna loose it doesn't mean that you are. is there something else you feel might happen in her prescense? if you allow yourself to cry? whats your meltdown all about? can you tell me about it.? maybe we can sorta roll play. sooner or later you're going to have to tell P that dixie is gone to doggie heaven and won't be coming back. you can always have your husband tell her.

i think the library or online is so resourceful for finding info that is tangablie *(sp). ok i can't keep my eyes open and i have to go give blood in the morning. good night.

God Speed.
One day at a time
 
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slik_kitty responded:
I agree with llt and bb. you need to tell p and you need to show her your tears, so she knows it's ok to cry, it's ok to have emotions and show them. so much damage is done to kids by parents who don't show the tears and the hard times. my son has seen the worst emotional wreck i was and he came out of it all just fine. yes, we need to be strong for our kids, but we also need to show our kids that we can be vulnerable and hurt too.

hugs. the loss of a pet is the loss of a family member. it's ok to cry.
 
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off_the_wall replied to slik_kitty's response:
I don't know, I mean I understand what yall are saying about it's okay to show emotions in front of her so that she knows it's okay too. But that's different then having the kind of meltdown that might actually make me feel better in the end. I don't want her growing up thinking that mommy is sick and her having to worry about me.

As far as telling her that Dixie is dead.... if she were a little older I would but she saw Dixie after she had passed away and she came up with the idea of "Dixie sleeping" on her own. She understands that and she's okay with that. She has stopped looking for Dixie although occasionally she will mention that Dixie is sleeping.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to off_the_wall's response:
Suggestion:

"P, Dixie is sleeping and she's never going to wake up again. She's never going to come back to us. When doggies and people go to sleep and never come back, that is called 'dying,'"
(P cries)
"I know honey, it's so hard and so sad but dying makes everyone sad. I'm very sad that Dixie isn't coming back to us, and I may cry too, but that just means that mom is as sad as you are."

It's a part of life that you don't have to be strong for. Often, children consider parents who cried, mourned their losses and moved on to be stronger than the ones who simply held it in. Just because you cry about Dixie in front of P (and make it clear to P that you're crying about Dixie) doesn't mean that you're sick. You're sad.

Did you hear that?

You're not sick. You're sad.

There's a difference.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
very well said Lovely!
One day at a time
 
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TheSullenGirl replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
I agree with the girls. Sometimes the whole sleep thing is confusing and is can actually turn around an bite ya in the behind. That if she sees someone sleeping (like daddy) but then doesn't see him for another 24hrs - it might cause anxiety.

Your little one will be able to learn from you that it is okay to be sad and cry, and that the hurt can go away. Maybe after you explain to her that Dixie is no longer here - you can do something together like get ice cream in memory of Dixie or play outside and let P know that Dixie would want her to have fun still because it would make her happy.

My niece found the family dog and my brother and sister were open with her. (this happened about 3 weeks ago) They allowed her to cry and let her know that they were sad too and even cried a little with her. My niece didn't get the concept of ashes - but when she asked questions they told her the truth in such a way that was age appropriate. My niece will say "I miss my dog," and they let her know that they miss her too.

I remember sitting in a rocking chair with my mom sharing tears over our family dog - and while a sad memory it is also one of those memories that mean a lot to me. I saw that my mom was a human too and that we shared the same sadness. We bonded in a very special way that day.

You are allowed to cry and show your beautiful girl that tears and sadness are okay and are a part of life.

In the end - it is your daughter and your choice. This is only my opinion and life experience. You have to be okay with your parenting decisions.

I'm sorry for your loss - I know that it hurts and is a big adjustment. ((HUGS))
 
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off_the_wall replied to TheSullenGirl's response:
Thank you each for the suggestions. I can tell y'all are wonderful with children. Like I said, if she were a little older I would definitely tell her that Dixie isn't just sleeping. If she continues to bring it up, I might tell her that Dixie went to heaven. That's how I would explain it to an older child- that she went to heaven and she will get to see her again one day but for now it's okay to miss her and to be sad she's not here anymore.

We got back into town this weekend and now my SIL is here visiting this week so neither P or I are back onto our regular daily schedule. Since that daily schedule used to involve Dixie, I'm afraid that's going to be tough. Not to mention, I just feel like my grief continues to be put on hold which makes me feel like the sadness is building up in me.
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to off_the_wall's response:
dont know if this is the right thing for her age. ifi i am wrong. but disney made a movie for her age Called all dogs go to heaven. it mght help or it may not. just a suggestion. i do understand that feeling totally.. trying to help a child throughbthe loss ofba pet a nd trying to deal wiTh my own greif. i am going to be arounD alot more
 
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off_the_wall replied to candykissesaresweet's response:
Well today she brought up Dixie again a couple of times so I've started telling her that "Dixie is in Heaven and it's okay to be sad and to miss her but you will get to see her again one day". Unfortunately she just looks back at me like, "What the hell are you talking about, Mom?"

I'm so freakin exhausted. SIL just left after being here most of the week. Love her but I've been busy for 2 weeks non-stop and I am the kind of person who needs my personal space and some down time to function! While at the same time I'm feeling a bit scared about having my space back....
 
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friedeggs replied to off_the_wall's response:
went to you tube about that movie. there are some parts of it there .she is two correct? this might help her make the connection to what you are trying to tell her
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to friedeggs's response:
easy does it otw....................just take it nice and easy okthats all you need to ask of yourself. your fully prego and have a almost 2 year old and grieving. be kind to yourself. i would recommend the movie dem suggested too. i'm glad your starting to help P understand because she does get the concept of sleeping and she understands that people and aniamals don't stay a sleep. so bravo for you.
There is another board on here about grieving and like i said you can always go to your lovely library for a special space time for you and for P and get a book this weekend on the subject. she can't read but you can! and then that might just be the ticket.
if that isn't doable ask your husband in a discussion for some help and or also you both sitting down together to talk to P about it.

Dad can help both of you now thru this. ok? I'm sure he'll feel very needed and great when he helps his two fav girls get thru a tough splotch! you're doing great
One day at a time


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