Self Harm Community

I hate social anxiety and how HUGE I am.

I've been taking P to story time at the library since last spring. In the past they've done one huge story time in an auditorium where there are at least 20 other moms with their kids. P and I could just slip in and out and no one talked to us even once.

Well for this fall they have decided to divide it up into morning story time and afternoon story time and they are holding it in a small room. So now instead of there being like 20 other moms, there are like 8 others. Last week one mom talked to me, which caught me off guard, but it went okay--- we talked for a minute and that was it. This morning though, was a disaster.

First of all, I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I found out I've gained 25 pounds already. I only gained 30 total the last time I was pregnant and I'm not due for another 11 weeks! So I'm feeling huge to begin with. On top of that, I'm short and have no hips, so even with my daughter my stomach got huge.

So this morning, a lady at story time asks me how far along I am. Her talking to me at all made my head start spinning but I managed to tell her I'm 29 weeks along. She responded with, "Oh wow, I kind of figured we'd be due around the same time, I'm 36 weeks". I look at her, look at her stomach, and absolutely can not tell she is even pregnant. So then I'm thinking, "Did I hear her right? She's pregnant?" And at the same time I realized she was calling me huge. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. Then she asks me what P's name is and I was so distracted and freaking out, I couldn't remember my own daughter's name. I finally did and then when she asked me how old she is, I told her she'd be turning "a year next month", which really she's turning 2 next month. But I didn't realize my mistake.

Then another lady comes up and asks me how old Payton is and I told her the same thing, "Turning a year next month" and she said, "A year?!?!? And I said, "I mean, 2 years" and both moms go, "I was going to say.....!!!!!" Then she asks me how far along I am and I tell her and she says, "OMG, you've got a long way to go!"

So 2 people in a row commented on how big I am. I responded by saying, "If she's anything like her big sister though, I won't make it that long". Which prompted them to ask how early P was born---- and she was only born a little over a week early. I said, my husband is a big guy so I seem to have big babies. They asked how big P was when she was born and I told them, "Almost 8 pounds" and they said, "That's not too big!" to which I just responded, "It is for me". I know my face was bright red at that point and I was completely panicking and embarrassed even though I know these ladies were just trying to be friendly to me.

I don't know, I just feel worse now than I did when no one talked to me. I was socially awkward and am embarrassed by how large I am and the surprised responses people give me when they find out I'm not due for awhile. Last pregnancy it was my MIL who kept commenting on how large I am. She hasn't seen me for awhile now, plus she probably expects it this time, so she hasn't been a problem. Now it's just strangers.

I feel like not eating but I can't since that would be starving my poor baby. I just want to cry and not go to story time anymore (except that P loves it). I'm sure those ladies won't try to talk to me again which will make me feel even worse than before when no one even tried to approach me. I think I'm going to start wearing my husband's big shirts to try to hide my stomach so people won't approach me in the future.

I hate feeling so alone all the time but sometimes it's better to feel alone than to feel like an idiot when someone does talk to me because it leaves me feeling twice as bad.

Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this. I have no one else to talk to.