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Long but I have no one else to talk to :(
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off_the_wall posted:
I hate social anxiety and how HUGE I am.

I've been taking P to story time at the library since last spring. In the past they've done one huge story time in an auditorium where there are at least 20 other moms with their kids. P and I could just slip in and out and no one talked to us even once.

Well for this fall they have decided to divide it up into morning story time and afternoon story time and they are holding it in a small room. So now instead of there being like 20 other moms, there are like 8 others. Last week one mom talked to me, which caught me off guard, but it went okay--- we talked for a minute and that was it. This morning though, was a disaster.

First of all, I had a doctors appointment yesterday where I found out I've gained 25 pounds already. I only gained 30 total the last time I was pregnant and I'm not due for another 11 weeks! So I'm feeling huge to begin with. On top of that, I'm short and have no hips, so even with my daughter my stomach got huge.

So this morning, a lady at story time asks me how far along I am. Her talking to me at all made my head start spinning but I managed to tell her I'm 29 weeks along. She responded with, "Oh wow, I kind of figured we'd be due around the same time, I'm 36 weeks". I look at her, look at her stomach, and absolutely can not tell she is even pregnant. So then I'm thinking, "Did I hear her right? She's pregnant?" And at the same time I realized she was calling me huge. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. Then she asks me what P's name is and I was so distracted and freaking out, I couldn't remember my own daughter's name. I finally did and then when she asked me how old she is, I told her she'd be turning "a year next month", which really she's turning 2 next month. But I didn't realize my mistake.

Then another lady comes up and asks me how old Payton is and I told her the same thing, "Turning a year next month" and she said, "A year?!?!? And I said, "I mean, 2 years" and both moms go, "I was going to say.....!!!!!" Then she asks me how far along I am and I tell her and she says, "OMG, you've got a long way to go!"

So 2 people in a row commented on how big I am. I responded by saying, "If she's anything like her big sister though, I won't make it that long". Which prompted them to ask how early P was born---- and she was only born a little over a week early. I said, my husband is a big guy so I seem to have big babies. They asked how big P was when she was born and I told them, "Almost 8 pounds" and they said, "That's not too big!" to which I just responded, "It is for me". I know my face was bright red at that point and I was completely panicking and embarrassed even though I know these ladies were just trying to be friendly to me.

I don't know, I just feel worse now than I did when no one talked to me. I was socially awkward and am embarrassed by how large I am and the surprised responses people give me when they find out I'm not due for awhile. Last pregnancy it was my MIL who kept commenting on how large I am. She hasn't seen me for awhile now, plus she probably expects it this time, so she hasn't been a problem. Now it's just strangers.

I feel like not eating but I can't since that would be starving my poor baby. I just want to cry and not go to story time anymore (except that P loves it). I'm sure those ladies won't try to talk to me again which will make me feel even worse than before when no one even tried to approach me. I think I'm going to start wearing my husband's big shirts to try to hide my stomach so people won't approach me in the future.

I hate feeling so alone all the time but sometimes it's better to feel alone than to feel like an idiot when someone does talk to me because it leaves me feeling twice as bad.

Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this. I have no one else to talk to.
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Kate_Te responded:
OTW -
I understand completely! I want to say congratulations on getting through that experience and not grabbing P & running! Great Job!

I realize you are probably a lot like me and are replaying this over & over in your mind, but please don't. You survived it, you didn't run and didn't freak out (there). Take some time to play with P or do something to self soothe.

People for some reason think it's okay to ask personal questions of a pregnant woman - I've never understood why. You know, every woman carries her pregnancy different than anyone else & every pregnancy is different. As long as your doctor thinks your healthy - screw those who think they can comment on how you are carrying your baby!

Stay safe,

Kate_Te
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to Kate_Te's response:
I agree w/Kate te that you really did a GREAT JOB! It's hard for anyone (especially when you're caught off guard and have severe social anxiety)!
I've always felt awkward because i'm 5'10" and now i'm considered morbidly obese! When i was pregnant the second time I gained a lot of weight..........25-30 lbs is nothing otw truly.
I know you're short but even so you have to grow a strong baby.
and shape P into the kind of person you've so far not been able to get to.
I really commend you for taking P to storytime! Its so important and now that moms are talking to you that is really good because P will see how to interact with others that aren't just family. The biggest thing that we can give our kids these days in the 21st century is emotional IQ.
You do know more than you realize on how to handle situations because i see how you handle dem and others and help them when you are feeling that you can. that you have something you can give away. You have helped me many times and I really respect you for that!
It's really ok to pat yourself on the back.........the only way you're ever going to get over your social anxiety is by keepputting yourself into social places ...........that's how they cure phobias. is by doing it over and over .......beleive me having 2 kids will get you jolted out of it real quick honey. If you can't do it for yourself you perhaps can do it for the girls!

Sorry your ruminating! Gosh I know i hate that too! It sucks so bad! try to slow your thoughts down by sitting real quietly after you put P to bed and just breathing real slow.... when the thoughts come just let them either float away on a cloud or pretend your holding a teflon skillet and let them slide out of the skillet and away from you.

Ya know nerves will do a lot to a person. My mom once repeated herself to a doc that she was 53 when she was actually 73. she was just scared.

do you have a worry stone, something comforting you can put in your pocket that you can touch and rub when you feel you are startin to come a part. just a couple things to try while you are home in your own atmosphere till you go out the next time.
practice practice practice doing nothing will give you the same results you've been getting all your life.

take care and take care of you!
me
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall replied to Kate_Te's response:
Thank you Kate_Te and Bubbles for understanding and for helping me to see that I did handle the situation better than I could have handled things. It's just hard feeling so alone all the time and feeling trapped by my social anxiety so that I feel I don't even have a chance of making friends. I know yall understand what a crappy feeling being lonely is. Thank you both so much for listening and understanding. It does make me feel not quite so alone.
 
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friedeggs replied to off_the_wall's response:
agree with everyone you did a great job in a rough spot,it is times like that i hate
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to friedeggs's response:
hi otw
how are you today.............it was 5 hours ago since you posted and hopeing you did ok.
i get lonely a lot too. can't say i like it very much and i can even be lonely when there is a day with a lot of activity.
i don't know why that is. but like now its really quiet SO I TURNED on my ipod.
you're just gonna have a big baby is all and you need to be able to support her. Look at P. she's in what percentile of height!
Does anyone know what day it is? write back if you do?
One day at a time
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
Chiming in...

I think you did great. There wasn't anything horrible or inappropriate about what you said. And I must say, HUGE is a relative term... for people built like you and me, a little weight gain like 30 lbs is a GIGANTIC DEAL. But ever since I was on Seroquel long-term, I've ballooned out to about double what I was before meds. It doesn't look like I'll ever be my small, thin, petite, 5'3 and 94-lb self again. It's been traumatic, so I can understand how upsetting the weight gain has been to you.

Besides, no one told us that our bodies continue to change as we get older -- we think they'll be the same for the rest of our lives once we get through HS and college with the same frame... but in truth, we change. I wish someone had told me that before it happened. You got your figure back after the pregnancy... (I envy you so much. ) why wouldn't you get it back again?

Gentlest of hugs.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
I know what day it is... it's Talk Like a Pirate Day.

ARRR.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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MandyCake responded:
OTW,

From working in a Women's Clinic... I can tell you. 8-9 pound babies are healthy babies and 30-40 pounds added can be the normal weight gain... So you are NOT fat!

Most of the small 5 pounder babies being born from our clinic were teenage mothers who smoked, had substance abuse issues, poor nutrition, etc.

I can relate to feeling alone. I have no one other than Mandy, my cat, and I'm allergic to her and Doctors suggest I find her a new home. I do not trust people with good reason. I'm messed up because I hate feeling so alone but I can't trust people so I isolate. Being ambevilant is horrible! I desire the opposite ends of the spectrum at all times, on all things...

As for P's age... lol... Heck I went an entire two years being 38 and when I turned 40 realized I spent the previous year... writing on everything and telling people I was 38. I would laugh this off... we are all guilty of having brain fog now and again.

Being here helps relieve some of that lonliness. YOU help with that lonliness...

I hope today being a new day is better for you...

Hugs...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
BB,

I hear you... I was 78 pounds at a height of 5 feet 2 inches in my 30's. I'm 45 now, shrunk 2 inches in height and weigth 188 pounds. It sucks! The weight all started with the prednisone and ballooned from there thanks my issues/health issues...I was anorexic and bulemic since my teen years hence the low weight of 78 pounds... I felt my best at 110 pounds. I was also very active/athletic... loved running, swimming, biking, hiking, sports, etc... due to abuse and health issues I became fat and and unable to do anything as just breathing can be difficult. I hate this. I hate being disabled. I hate being told I need to accept this and learn to live with my disabilities, to "create" a new life, find new interests, etc... Easy for Doctors and Therapists to say this when they can still work, when they can still be active! (I apologize... I sort of went off on a vent there)

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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off_the_wall replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
D2FEC0, I feel more lonely when surrounded by people than I do when I'm alone. I do wish I could just be "normal" and be able to make friends. I am concerned about how this will affect my little girls.

LLT- You are right, 30 pounds on a small person makes more of a difference than it would on someone taller with a larger frame. I gained a lot of weight thanks to Depokot several years ago. I will tell you that once I stopped taking it the weight came off too. Not saying for you to stop taking your meds, only that one day maybe your meds will change. And you are right, changes to our body are hard to handle! And yes, after P I lost the weight but I will tell you that I never got my figure back that is for sure. It's good hearing from you. I'm really sorry to hear you've been struggling so much. You have been in my thoughts as I've been hoping you are alright. Like Fran said, I too look up to you as you always seem to know the right things to say and provide such clear insight on things.

Bonnie- Thank you for your reassurance about my weight and your understanding. I'm sorry you too suffer from loneliness. I do think some of my social anxiety comes from having trouble trusting people. I also think it comes from all the times growing up that my mom told me no one would want to be my friend. Obviously as a kid I believed her and have always been scared to open up to others for fear of rejection.
 
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off_the_wall replied to off_the_wall's response:
Uggg, tried to post off my cell phone and it cut off the entire first part of my message which I had written to Fran! Stupid cell phone.
 
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off_the_wall replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
Let me try this again. Thanks so much for checking on me, friend. I'm really sorry that you too understand how bad it feels to be lonely. You're right about P, according to the growth chart that her pediatrician uses, she is taller than 97% of girls her age. We've actually yet to meet another girl OR boy close to her age who is as tall. So she definitely takes after her daddy, not after me. And little sister is likely to be as big. I know this and I know that all that really matters is that this baby is healthy. It's just hard (not to mention embarrassing) when people can't believe how huge I am. To me they aren't thinking, "Wow, big baby", they are thinking, "Wow, big pregnant woman". And anyway, even with as big as P was at birth, I still had only gained 30 pounds total which I'm about to reach with still 11 weeks to go.

Oh, and I didn't know it was Talk Like a Pirate Day. Avast! I'm sorry I missed it, Arrrr! I guess that would explain why my husband told me yesterday that he read in the newspaper that they are going to have a "Pirate Ghost Parade" sometime next month. Apparently they are encouraging everything to dress as pirates and there will be Mardi Gras floats and bead throws. Pirates are a big deal here since it's first European settlers were pirates (Jean Lafitte).

How are you today, Bubbles? I hope you are well. I've been keeping busy so right now I'm actually feeling okay (which is a good change from how extremely depressed I was last night).
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
hi otw
i've been metlting down a lot lately and just want to go away.
i was so mad at husband because he cost us 1400.00 in airfair that we can't collect on simply because he didn't keep tract of when we coul duse it. and with the baby comin in jan. it woul dhave really come in handy.
we had a knock down this morning but we've made up. i'm not going to do anything at all because i'm just plain tired and i need to rest. not do anything. i feel like getting drunk but not gonna do that. got so outta sorts this morn was goin to sh but didn't and reminded myself tha tmy life is unmanageable and if i keep sh'g i'll never get it under control. so i refrained.
i'm glad! i'm so scattered all over the place i can't barely function! i'll be glad to get outt a dodge next thurs. i see for the very last time my pdoc and i'm really sad about that. i feel like she was the only one who cares. who is trying to make a difference in my life and i'm loosing her! breaks my heart!
they wonder if i'm feeling sicker because she is leaving. haven't really given it much thought except i'm upset that my hmo lied to her so therefore she has to leave. sigh i'm lonely today and feel like checking out. husband admitted that its his fault we're where we're at in biz because of his lack of listening to me 20 years ago! dang he finally admitted it.

well sorry for my depressing saga. i hope you are having a good weekend so far and all we can do for ourselves is the best we can ! what day is storytime?
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
I'm really sorry you are losing your pdoc. I know that must be really hard. I'm glad to hear for the time being you are hanging in there and not SHing. I know it's hard but all we can do is our best and continue to take things one moment at a time. (((Hugs)))


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