I have been looking forward to Saturday all week. I was going to go to an event in Albany (about 20 miles from my house) with a close friend. I had to take the bus there & back and the event was going to be crowded and I'd be meeting new people. I thought I had come far enough to handle this.
So I got all dressed up, did my makeup and was getting ready to leave when boom, panic attack! I knew it was just panic, but I couldn't get my breathing under control. Eventually I had to call my friend and cancel. I've been beating myself up ever since.
I've been trying to find a part time job to ease myself back into the workforce. Now I doubt I can even survive an interview. I hate Social Anxiety & Agoraphobia!!!!!!!! I feel like a child, like I can't handle the simple things in life. I'm doing exactly what I told OTW not to do, I'm ruminating.
At least you are making a good choice in writing here. It's better than the alternative. Don't beat yourself up because you had a set back. If you can't handle it, then don't do it. But don't think any less of yourself because you can't right now. When you look for a job, try to find something that isn't going to stress yourself out too much. I am also looking for a part time job because I can't handle working full time. It has been suggested to me that I go on social security. I want to, but at the same time, I feel like a failure because I can't handle anything and doing that would be admitting defeat.
Thanks Lexismom - I understand your feelings about going on soc. sec. I felt the same way when I went on it. That's my problem, I've been on SSDI for 2 years. 5 hospitalizations, 2 years of heavy therapy and I still freak out. I catastrophize a lot. I keep thinking it's never going to get better. Saturday was my proof - nothing's going to change.
That sounds like a really high stress situation to try putting yourself into- big crowds, meeting new people, etc. I think it's great that you even took the first steps towards trying to attend. Agreeing to go and getting ready to go took a lot of bravery on your part. I don't see this as a set back for you at all but as a step in the right direction so don't beat yourself up over it. I'm really sorry the weekend wasn't what you planned and that you struggle with this. You know I can completely understand. (((Kate_Te))))
Thank you OTW. I appreciate your understanding. I feel like it reinforced my fears. Like every time I try my mind stops me. I just want to be my old self - slight social anxiety, but still able to function. My anxiety has kept me shaking like a leaf for 2 and a half days now. I keep trying to distract & self soothe, but it's not working. Just feel like I'm broken.
kate te, thank you for sharing this with our community here. i feel so sad for you that you just couldnt seem to make your big outing. however, i am proud of you for not choosing cutting or slicing yourself as an attempt to rectify or resolve the situation. i hope you are able to stay strong by refusing the urge to self injure.
As a Medicine Woman once told me: "We are not broken. We are wounded Doves and with the right nurturning and love we can learn to fly again."
Give yourself credit. You tried! That is a huge step for those of us with Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. You are so strong for not self harming. You were able to keep the urge at bay. Now that is a magor step. Be proud of what you have accomplished.
I know, easier said then done, right? And I should take my own advice. ...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...
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