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off_the_wall posted:
Been having painful contractions for awhile now. One of the first times it happened I went to the hospital where they confirmed I was having contractions but in the end my doctor has told me not to worry about them because they go away on their own and I'm not dilated or anything. My doctor says some people just have them and they aren't a sign that I'll be having my baby anytime soon.

Well every time I have a doctors appointment, my MIL ends up e-mailing me asking if I'm still having the pains and what my doctor says about them. And every time I tell her exactly what I wrote above.

But then she responds my telling me that I'm not having contractions and she always has a reason as to what my pains are from. Tonight I got another such e-mail from her and it just upsets me. She says my pains are not from contractions that they are simply from my muscles being weak and my stomach being so large that it's pulling on those muscles. And if I would just listen to her and get a girdle to hold up my stomach that the pains would go away.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me but it does. I know she is clueless and the fact that she thinks she knows more than the doctors should be comical.

Haven't seen her or had to deal with her in awhile so that's been nice but she'll be coming here for my daughter's bday in a week. I know she'll have lots to say about my large stomach, weight gain, my contractions that she doesn't believe are contractions, how to raise my daughter, and anything else she can come up with.

Feeling sad, hurt, and stressed tonight. I've been doing good not SHing but it's not easy.
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bubbles_bobble responded:
Hi Otw

You are one tough lady even tho i know you don't believe that. You are under a TON of stress right now and to boot having the m i l from deep down under like i had is maddening! I KNOW! i LIVED IT TILL MY HUSBAND 10 YEARS AGO TOLD THEM TO LEAVE US A LONE. She would still ring the biz phone but never had my home phone and somehow she got my cell phone and called it and I said MIL don't ever call this no. again.
I like you were intimidated very easily and didn't want to rock the boat. My probelm was not only did i believe my mil would wreck my marriage and take my husband away from me because o how she vied and tried and had done this with my sil for many years. everything that ever went wrong (and my husband used to tell her about our marriage in the early years) was my fault!
So finally he dummied up and if your husband is doing this with his mom you've got to tell him that your stuff about yourself is private. She does not need to know any of your business and you do not need to volunteer anything. How are you? you are fine! o you've gained weight and you (she might say are so big) Yup MIL you got that right! How big were you when you were pregnantg. Be prepared for a variety of answers. AND just say gee isn't it funny i was this way with P and i'm this way with this baby and you were the way you were with hubby (Did she have any other children?) and i know many women and the doctors who are specialists in this field and have studied medicine for many years at least 8 tell me that every pregnancy and weight gain is different. Do you have a problem with that?
I know its hard to have the courage to stand up to this woman and it will take many times to push her button so she doesn't push yours but take small steps and use them wisely! When she starts a conversation about your contractions say any arbitrary word peanut butter.......and leave the room..............if she follows you go to the bathroom and stay there for enough minutes till P distracts her or your husband. What i learned OTW and it took me 25 years and i hope you learn faster than i do! and don't go thru the torture that i did...........is if you are not assertive and stand up for yourself with the people who want to make you feel bad b ecuase they love it then it is only you who will suffer. they will soon forget about it or gloat one or the other and MIL who are bad will likely do even more damage! good thing she lives far away.
Can you take some nice slow deep breaths box up all this crap and put it on the highest shelf in the house and close the door on it for tonight ok. If need be you can open it tomorrow but for tonight put it all in a box and leave it there!
and btw who cares if she thinks you're having contractions or not! she's not a doctor she's only your husbands mother which means she gave birth to a wonderful man that you love end of story. you do not have to please her you do not have to do anything for her. Let your husband take care of her!
take care of P! and yourself. If you have to leave the house and say you have to get something at the library, store, whatever and would she please watch P and put that witch to work! she'll feel honored that she gets to watch P.
2 years old o my goodness P is going to be 2 years old! WOW! i can remember wehn you weren't getting any sleep for 10 mos. or some such.
for now do nice things for you and P and plan P's birthday party. take good care of yourself............ ask hubby to do something you enjoy for you! I commend you you are not sh'g! SEE YOU CAN DO IT! BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHITE NUCKLE IT. just try your lamaze techniques when the urge comes up and breathe thru it you'd be amazed at how affective this is. It really is! I for one am very proud of you!
P.s.you're handling yourself with grace and dignity thru all of this stuff! andnot sh'g keep up the good work. I know its not easy. My mil called me a cow and an exhibitionist when i had my daughter and nursed her!
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
BB, I'm about to go to bed so I don't have time to write much but I just wanted to thank you so very much for listening and understanding. Sometimes I feel so very alone but you just made me feel much less alone. Thank you.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
YOU'RE WELCOME OTW. I'M GOING TO BED SOOM TOO. GOODNIGHT AND SLEEP TIGHT!
One day at a time
 
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Kate_Te replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
OTW - I hope you get a good nights sleep. I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. You are handling a two year old, a pregnancy, a medical issue and a meddling Mother in Law and you haven't SH'd.
Like BB says you are one tough woman!
 
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MandyCake responded:
The next time she says something to you set boundries. Say something like: I know you are concerned about me and my wellbeing, how I am raising my daughter, etc but I am really doing fine and am following my doctors orders. Then refuse to discuss any of this further with her.

You could also just come out and tell her that while she may mean well, you find her comments to be hurtful rather than helpful.

Just some suggestions.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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cuddles replied to MandyCake's response:
everyone is right , you are going to have to strong limits with her. now more then ever because your due date is close . you CAN so it
 
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off_the_wall replied to MandyCake's response:
Thank you all very much for the support. I really, really appreciate it. I have a major problem with setting boundaries and standing up to her. In fact, I don't think I've ever stood up to her. She reminds me a lot of my own mom who as a kid if I ever stood up to her, she beat the crap out of me. So I've learned just to back down from people. My husband does stand up to her and argues with her but it doesn't do any good.

I can feel the stress building knowing that she's coming to visit soon. I think I can probably handle that visit, especially since I've had a nice long break from seeing her this summer. What I'm not sure I can handle is her coming to stay once the baby is born and me trying to recover from a c-section while caring for a newborn and a toddler and dealing with her on top of all of that. I can tell you that it felt like too much when P was born so I can't imagine how it will be this time around. She doesn't help so having her around is just more of a burden to me. But what can you do? I know she just loves her granddaughters and wants to see them (and meet the new one). I wouldn't think of not allowing her that but it's just going to be hard. Really hard.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
otw
is she going to be staying with you? If that's the case i would say no she can't stay with you. secondly i would set times of how long she can come to visit. One week a couple hours at a time................dang girl! I never stood up to my mil either or my mom but i did once slap my father across the face when he called me a very low life name at the age of 16 when i was a virgin. You do not have to put up with thiis. You don' thave to suffer. I did suffer ALOT! AND I KNOW ALL TO WELL HOW UNDERMINING AND ROUGH A MIL CAN BE.
One time my son was around 2 and daughter 4.5 much like your daughters in age and we were awaiting her glorious daughter to show up with her clan which no one had seen this famous (only famous to them because she disowned her mother and step father) for over 10 years and it was time to eat.
this was at an assisted lviing facitlity but it was reserved and very nice place for my husbands family.. My son started squirming and crying and it was just awful and so i took him into th ebathroom and spanked him which made it worse because she had come up to me and thrown champange at me and said here drink this if you quit being so nervous then maybe the child will setlle down and then when i handed him off to my hubby she came and rebuked me and lectured me on what a terrible mother i was! yeah I GET IT!
i'M A MIL to be and my dil can't stand me. which is fine i can't stand her either! lol. but i won't interfer with her or son only if asked will i give an opinion. i never spanked my son again.
OTW PLEASE SPARE YOURSELF AND ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND MAYBE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU YOU CAN SET SOME STRONG BOUNDARIES. IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE HER THEN WHAT'S THAT SAY. MY husband used to argue with his mom all the time too but that was always my fault too and i'd never said a dang word!

The whole thing is is you still have time to do something about this and having more stress added on to you kiddo doesn't help anything! I wish i could be your MIL.
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
No, she wouldn't actually be staying with us, she'll just be here all the time. When my husband does try to set boundaries with her she finds ways to manipulate the situation and cross the boundaries anyway. It sucks. I too wish you were my MIL. Trying not to worry about this because I know it won't do any good.....
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
let me tell you what i learned about this sorta thing and its called broken record and not letting people manipulate you! because if you let her manipulate you then what are the girls gonna do to you and you don't want that do you? and no it won't be different with the kids because kids are masters at manipulation even at age 2.

ok so broken record. Husband:" mom, B and I have decided that the time you spend with us we want to be quality time therefore we want you to come at such and such time x amount of times during the day, week, particular day, particular times.
when she starts to wheezel outta this NO MOM I SAID B AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT THE TIME YOU SPEND WITH US WILL BE QUALITY TIME THEREFORE WE WANT YOU TO SPEND ......
IT DOESN'T matter if she gets mad, it doesn matter if she trys to get her way the object of this game is you don't let her win the manipulation. You manage our life and the life of your daughters.
Let your husband take her on an excursion a couple of times by himself to just have son and mom time. or set her up with a seniors center that will take her to fun things she would like to do ..........find out her interest if you doin't know them ahead of time.
whatever she says to you or your husband you need to stick to the script (that's why its called broken record and once i got it down with certain people in my life it worked beautifully.) You stick to the script you make up with you and your husband something simple that you both won't deviate from to much and you memorize it and it doesn't matter if she plays the old feel sorry for me card! o you just don't want me to be around. O you are depriving me of being with my grandchildren. I/we didn't say this what we said is we want this to be quality time spent when everyone in the family! End of story and don't give anymore explantations you do not owe her any!
You tell her she may stay for however many weeks and how many hours during the day and she's outta there! its important tho to fill her days with other things so she can get a groove thing goin on for herself.
You are exactly correct worrying won't make anything any different only worse on you. what will make something different is doing things different so that you don't repeat the same insanity over again. I know otw how hard this would be but if you start practicing in your head what you and your husbands script will be it will turn out ok. you just have to keep practicing and no matter what sick trick on her part well sorry but i dont' want to be sick, death trick o i'll be gone soon and willnever have seen my grandchildren...........(we are all here for a short time and she is the one who created this problem you did not so you do not need to take responsibility for this. ALSO WHAT I FOUND IS VERY IMPORTANT..............Stay out of her and your sons arguements!
do not take sides unless it comes about you or your daughters.
and also LET YOUR HUSBAND DO ALL THE TALKING TO HER!
FROM HER ON OUT. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TALK TO HER BUT LIMITED. WORKS THE BEST! B ELIEVE ME. mil"doesn't otw like me?" husband" Like i said mom we just want to have quality time with our family and you. MIL, well exactly what does quality time mean? Husband" the best circumstances available for everyone to feel their best and visit their best ." AND LEAVE IT AT THAT! NO MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER. IF YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO BATTLE WITH HER THEN LET HIM AT HER HE'LL ONLY LOOSE BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE THE POWER PERSON AND BY HIM ARGUING WITH HIM I GUARANTEE YOU HE WILL LOOSE BECAUSE SHE HAS A NOOSE AROUND HIM SINCE HE WAS BORN!
CHEW ON THAT FOR A BIT OK. mil in waiting......lol
One day at a time


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