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Faded Optimism
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MandyCake posted:
So much for feeling hopeful and optomistic. This feeling of Euphoria lasted less than one hour.

Housing showed up. What she said was they are looking for a place for this male tenant to move to... next year when his lease is up. Until then, the Housing Manager told me I should "keep to myself" and if threatened call the cops. As for smoking here, (It's supposed to be smoke-free housing) being safe and secure (Other tenants lock the door open and allow anyone and everyone in the building) Other issues, She just dismissed them.

History keeps repeating. I do not matter. It doesn't matter where I go, nothing ever changes. I'm told I have "rights" but no one else seems to think so. I'm told I need to have boundries but no one else respects them. I'm constantly having to fight to exist. I fight, and fight, and fight and I'm sick and tired of it. Since yesterday afternoon all I have done is cry and sink deeper into dispair.

I should have known better than to think things could ever be different.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
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MandyCake responded:
So I just spoke to crisis. I wonder... what is their purpose??? I asked them how do you keep on keeping on... the response was: Family and friends and finding fun activities to do. What if you have none of the above?

Anyone????
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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lexismom11 replied to MandyCake's response:
That's a question I have been wondering about lately as well. I wonder how am I supposed to keep pushing forward when I have no ambition to do it and all I want is to be gone. I don't know what their purpose would be then if they can't offer some kind of help to you. That's why I don't call. I don't need someone telling me to hold on for my family. I am just tired of trying to hold on.

Maybe if you call back you will get someone else who is more caring. I don't think they would all be cold and uncaring.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to lexismom11's response:
Bonnie and lex

Bonnie I don't know who the governing body is who actually owns the property (the state?) but i'd sure as hell find out! AND then i would turn this person in who told you all this bull. I know i run out of fight in my own situations and its hard year after year to keep pulling yourself up by the boot straps. Dig in kid. You do have rights and I'm goign to try to help you be able to use them. Sometimes it takes a long time to get the right help or situation to happen and only the HP knows why.
Personally I would call everyone i could possibly call and make such a huge stink that thye have to do something. That's called being assertive! not agressive. It is standing up for yourself. Call the board of directors, call the police dept. and tell them of your plight again and say you want to make a formal complaint! (they have to take it), call housing (is this section 8 or whatever it is call higher ups and find out who the supervisor is and then if that doesn't get any action find out who that supervisors supervisor is!) THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO HOLDS THEMAGIC KEY ITS JUST A MATTER OF FINDING THEM! GOOD LUCK! AND I hope if it helps to get your frustratioins out here you do it and you feel better! or know at least theres a place that you can go to rant and that we'll listen and care! cuz wwe do care!

Lex
You don't care about your daughter? how old is she? I can tell you this...........................which i wrote you before the sound that comes out of their voice when they find out that you tried is gutteral it is pure instinctual sorrow and if you've never heard it before you don't want to! I know what sound comes out as well when you know your sister in my case committed suicide at the age of 56. its sad real sad............its the sorrow you feel now. do you want your daughter for every birthday of yours, every halloween, every xmas, every time she has a birthday know that you're never coming back?

both of you ladies there are people who care. its about making a network of people you can count on! do it.................... take the baby steps to get back on your feet. i've been in both your places.
i've been trapped in my own home with a restraining order against a neighboor for 10 long years and then him breaking the restraining order and visiting next door and we took pics of him and they called the police for harrassing htem and so the police came over and we just simply told them this is evidence and if he comes over again we will press charges and he WILL GO TO JAIL. IT ONLY TOOK 12 LONG FRICKIN YEARS BUT GUESS WHAT HE IS OUT OF MY LIFE TODAY! YEAH!

I'VE found a great crisis line but its only for my state or i would share it with you. there are many crisis lines keep trying ok.

i had my neighboor next door get so mad because we called on his barking dogs again and he took it to court but for an entire year because he kept changing the date he tried to shut down my home based business. what kind of perswon does that and trys to take away your income. all we wanted was for the dog to shut up! geez can't you control your aniamal? and this was the neighboor who was in cahoots with the neighboor who i had the restraining order against.
One day at a time
 
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MandyCake replied to lexismom11's response:
((((((((((((((TRIGGER)))))))))))))))



Thank you Lexismom,

It's only MEN on the weekend for crisis. He said he needed to talk to his boss to see how they can help me and did not call back. Guess that means there is no help for me.

I tried to explain that I am 45 years old, physically disabled. That all of my hopes and dreams for a future departed with my youth. I can not get any of it back. So I asked: What do I have to look forward to? Just growing older and more disabled? Really, I feel as if no one gets this. The desire to have children, to grow old with a loving spouse and raise those children together, to go rock climbing, hiking, running with them and create lasting, loving memories. To have the career of my dreams. To be healthy and happy. Where is my happily ever after?

Everytime I see children, I cry. Everytime I see families, I cry. Everytime I see people out enjoying themselves, I cry. Everytime I see a light on in someone's place, I cry.

I was never wanted by anyone. I never belonged anywhere. I'm always on the outside looking in and I hate it. Then I hate myself for even wanting this.

When I answered the question my T and Psych asked: "Why am I still here?" The answer was obvious... There is no reason. I'm all alone in this hell and like you, am tired of trying to hold on. No one seems to get this.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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cuddles replied to MandyCake's response:
I am so sorry or everything you are going through. i told told you along time i totally understand the feeling because i liv with it too. its rotten to live with. but i k that i need to keep trying because of you caprice and everyone here. you are so very important and very much wanted. you area very dear friend to all us. please hang in there. hey i will make you a deal if i find a way that i can make that go away for the both of us ok?
 
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cuddles replied to cuddles's response:
saw this and thought of you.
... Don't let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to cuddles's response:
bonnie
and lex
how ya doin now? its getting late but i thought i'd check in and see if you were doing any better or worse. the national suicide hotline that is listed here is not all men and i would ask to speak to a woman if you got one bonnie.

I hope I didn't make the matter worse for you bonnie by you feeling like i don't get it. I'm sorry if it seems that i don't. No one of course can walk another mile in another persons shoes that is for sure. I just share what i've gone thru with things that pop in at the time becuase you are being harassed by that man and i was harrassed and my whole family by the neighboor we have the restraining order against for about 13 years or more i forget exactly and am to tired to calculate but i do know becuase its just life that it does change.

I realize you bonnie are physically unable to do many things but i give you kudos because you got out last week and i believe you said you went to ptsd support group. That was a very good start for trying to build on things. I know when you're down in the dark pit its about impossible to dig out from it. Been there so long myself but for the first time in years i am actually feeling better.

If you want change you have to make it happen yourself and in Gods will I believe. I don't think anyone the universe if you believe in God or a higher power (HP) this forum anyone you know wants you to suffer intentionally. We all have been victims someone said here not to long ago and I think what dem wrote not to let the past define you is very crucial to both your well being. Does that happen over night HELL NO! it does not. I've been working on it for 20 years and i will be working on it the rest of my life. However, at the age of 50 something i'm here to say that life is a process a job if you will to get from point a to point b ................now we're adults with deficits once we were children with deficits...............now we have physical maladies as well as the mental or maybe it was always all along that we had the physical like me with messed up knees since age 12. i never got to hike either bonnie and i live in the state where its a main past time, i can't bike, i can't do a lot of stuff and yeah i get a big old resentment going and po'd and more and more i'm realizing its just not helpful to go down that lane. i have to focus on what i can do today right now right here because thats all i got! yesterday is gone and over with as it s/b and tomorrow may never come. so i have this moment this minute this day. thats what we all have. if you try for one min. thats better than not trying at all right? and if you add that min. to the next you have 2 and so on and so forth. it does add up you better believe it.
i've come from 20 years or so ago not making any sense at all and leaving and being gone for weeks on end and no one new where i was my sh escalated i've sh'd my whole life but 20 or so yhears ago it escaped me becasue i allowed a situation and a person to hurt me so i did what i didn't know anyone else did and never knew i'd done it my whole life.

anyway i just want to say hang in there. it ain't easy but keep trying. i did and i'm glad.
One day at a time
 
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lexismom11 replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
I understand what you are saying. I know it would cause pain, but I am so tired. I feel like this will never end. I feel so lost and don't know what to do. I can't seem to shake these feelings so the option for me is to give in. I can't fight anymore. My daughter will be ok. She will have my family to rely on. I have already thought about it. It's the only way I can see of dealing with it.
 
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MandyCake replied to lexismom11's response:
Lexismom,

I know you hate hearing "Hang in there, if not for you, for your daughter or family."

I have to say, I envy you this... at least you have others in your life. You have a reason in them to keep on, keeping on...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
I live in State Sec 8 Housing. The Housing Authority is the same as the one I had previously.

At my other address I encountered the same issues. It was a smokefree building but chain-smoking of all substances occurred and filled my apartment, a male neighbor all hours of the day and night was yelling in my bedroom window and a female tenant would take my picture everytime I went outside. And my abusive ex discovered where I was as his best friend was dating another woman out back so my ex began coming around.I followed the legal channel and got Legal Aid involved as the Housing Authority threatened to evict me for "Interfering in the management of the property."

The solution was they would agree to allow me to move to my present address as this was to be a non-smoking, safe-secure, new development that is close to my Doc's, Hospital and T...

But now, all except for my ex, all is repeating again here at my new address. Housing is violating their own lease agreement with me yet again. I'm sick of fighting. It never ends. No matter where I go... I end up having to fight and in the end, I wind up even more victemized.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to cuddles's response:
I'm sorry cuddles, I just do not see what there is to be happy about in the present.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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cuddles replied to MandyCake's response:
know i am sory i was just trying to let you know that you were not alone. i am worried about you. i hope you can forgive me.
 
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MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
(((((((((((((((((((((TRIGGER))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BB,

You have others, family, etc who care about you. I do not. Imagine this:

Since Birth being abused, abandoned, neglected every day of your existence by everyone who was in your life... And by all of the systems also... This is a "small" portion of what it is like to be me...

And now at the age of 45 I'm told to live for today and plan for a new wonderful future... I just do not see this as I have never had it.

In the Stepps program they state that others in your "care-net" should also be included and taught the material so they will know how to be there for you... Well, I haven't anyone. So my T, Psych, Primary and Crisis are going to stand in for "others." I can not explain how this makes me feel. Pretty Pathetic, aren't I?

I often say: "People hate to love me and love to hate me." That is my reality. And you know what? I feel the same way about myself. I hate wanting what I have never had and I hate myself for wanting period and yet I do want....... I'm extremely ambevolent in all things.

I just do not know how much more of this I can endure.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to lexismom11's response:
Lexismom,

Your daughter will NOT be okay. Sure family will be there for her but the scars of you Not being would destroy her. Most likely she would blame herself, feel she wasn't good enough, or that she did something... She will carry self-blame, self-hate, anger will eat away at her, she will lash out at everyone. She will push people and family away so as to protect herself from ever being hurt like this again. She will not trust. She may even decide she doesn't want to fight anymore either...

Do you really want your daughter to have to endure a life such as this? As a mom, who loves her daughter so much, would you really want to hurt her and distroy her life?

Please think about this... She needs you... Your actions will have a lasting effect on her...

"All of the flowers of all of the tomorrows are found in the seeds of today, so plant them well."
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie


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