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It's been suggested that we leave a space between the start of a post and the triggering part.

Write something innocuous in the first line. then leave some spaces between in and the subject matter. this should take care of accidentally triggering someone.

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((((((((((((((((((((((TRIGGER)))))))))))))))))))))) 3 a.m.
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MandyCake posted:
Here it is 3 a.m. I'm cleaning, no surprise there.... I seem to have a one track mind... I become focused on something and it just replays r and over...

All I can hear is my T saying: "Why are you still here, Yet here you are and If you don't want to change then nothing will change." How do you get people to hear what you are saying? Get them to really listen? Why is it so difficult to understand that for me, each and everyday of my life was a day of neglect, abandonment, and abuses? That even now, in a new place, PRESENT TIME, the same crap happens again and again, i.e. Housing, The male tenant, etc?

Why is it so hard to understand that all of my hopes and dreams are Yes, in the Past.... things that I will never have, can never have, impact me tremendously? Why is it because I do not know who I am or what I should want in life not comprehensable when I have never been allowed to be in the first place? Why is it hard to understand that I do not know how to begin a life at the age of 45, let alone as a disabled woman? Why is it so hard to understand that I can not see a bright and shining future when I have no idea of what that is and can only base things that I do know on my past experiences?

Why is it so hard to understand that I want to matter, I want to feel as if I belong somewhere, that someone gives a damn about me, that I am loved and that I do not want to be broken anymore? Why is it hard to understand that I am not chosing to be broken?

Why is it so hard to understand then, that now, I no longer care... I give up. Okay World, you win. I've been fighting just to exist in a world that has not and does not want me in it.

I understand now what my T and everyone else has told me in my life... Why am I still here... in a life that does not want me... They are all right. I have no reason for being......

I'm sorry I've been such a burden to the world.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
Reply
 
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slik_kitty responded:
you are not a burden to the world. i think you need a new t. this one is not helping you and is actually hurting you. hugs
 
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Kate_Te responded:
I agree with kitty, you need a new T. I understand your feeling like you're not being heard. My T thinks because I can present myself in her office like a sane person, I should be able to work.

I believe I finally got through to her because she brought up the subject of a case manager. I bring this up to just show that things can change. I am often paralyzed by the crap running in my head, but things can change.

(((Bonnie)))

Stay safe.
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Slik_kitty, Kate_Te,

Thank you both for listening and understanding. Sadly my T is the only one in the area who can/will accept Medicare only....

Crisis came and spent all morning with me. The woman, Kay, was concerned because I had SH'd. She gets it... I see my P later today.

It sucks feeling so lost, broken and alone in the world, detached and never apart of anything.

I have regressed so badly that I haven't paid attention to my bills and find myself now in real debt. One month behind on car payment, two months behind on cable, one month behind on electric and one month behind on 3 other bills. This isn't like me, I'm usually on top of things. Sadly, I do not know where the money for these bills has gone. I don't know if I gave it away again. (I tend to give everything away especially in a disassociative state as I call it blood money...money is a trigger)...

Kate_Te,

What is a case manager and what do they do? Is this something they would handle for me until I was more with in the present?

Thank you again Ladies.

Love to you.
Bonnie.
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Bonnie-

If I understand it correctly, a case manager is someone who comes to your home, helps you with the basics: cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.

My T said, "They are usually for someone who isn't as high functioning as you". I love how everyone thinks I'm doing great because I can look good for an appointment. I haven't let anyone in my house in 5 years because I'm embarrassed - not a hoarder, just not a cleaner, at least when I'm depressed (been a gloomy 5 years).

I'm afraid to allow a case manager in, I'm not sure if I'm going to take her up on her offer of this help or not. Still trying to decide.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to Kate_Te's response:
BONNIE
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN HERE TO YOUR T? I THINK THAT MIGHT MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER! MAYBE SHE CAN BACK TRACK AND START YOU AT SQUARE 1 INSTEAD OF 10 AND GIVE YOU SOME COMAPSSION. I THINK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR VALIDATION OF YOUR WOUNDS YOUR LOSSES AND I UNDERSTAND THAT. I HAVE FINALLY REC'D ENUF VALIDATION THAT I'VE BEEN MOVING FORWARD THE LAST YEAR. I'VE BEEN UNDERSTOOD I'VE DONE A LOT OF HARD WORK IN PAST YEARS AND I'M STARTING AGAIN TO DO THE WORK FOR WHAT IT TAKES!

GOD BLESS YOU KIDDO AND SEE IF GIVING THE POST TO HER WILL MAKE HER UNDERSTAND???? I WISH YOU THE BEST
One day at a time
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Kate_Te,

Don't you just love how others "Judge" you based on appearences? You look fine on the outside... grrrrrrrrrr..... To have your T say this is even worse. Your T should know better.

If you take her up on this offer, I would be curious to know how it works out for you.

I can't thank you enough for bringing this up. I clearly feel as if I need the help. I would have never have thought of this. I'll mention it to my crisis worker to see if she can help get the ball rolling. I would be interested to know however if once you allow a person to take over like that, how would I get the control of my finances back....

I'll keep you posted...

Hugs,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
BB,

That is a great suggestion. I think I will do this.

You and Kate_Te have given me some wonderful advice.

Thank you so very much.

Gra'
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to MandyCake's response:
I met with my Primary and she gave me antibiodics as my entire scalp is badly infected.

She sat and listened to me for over an hour and I left there feeling.... like.... okay........ For now I'll keep on keeping on and give the Stepps Program a chance.

My Nurse in her office also sat with me for awhile.

So I guess that for today my Gratitude expands to you all, to my nurse, my primary, to crisis and even my T. And to MandyCake, my cat.......

Okay, really, I'm heading off to bed.

Night-night...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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cuddles replied to MandyCake's response:
am glad you got the help you needed you needed and that you were listened to the way you needed to be. that is very important.. it is 4am my time i feel like i have not slept all night u am going back to bed


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